Waiting

I am sitting in the bathroom floor on top of a towel, next to my sweet little buddy Familiar kitty. He's pushed the heating pad off for now - which helps to keep him warm, as his body temperature has been falling. He's resting, peaceful, softly purring, and every few minutes, I reach over and touch him gently - rubbing his ears, neck, paws, nose. He is so thin - I hadn't realized that he had become so much thinner in the last week or two, it's sometimes hard to notice those things when you're around someone so often. 6.6 pounds. That's what the vet told me last night, he weighs 6.6 pounds. What a far cry that is from the obese buddy of a few years back, nearly 19 pounds.

My heart is ripped open, and the tears keep welling up, overcoming me. I simply cannot imagine this little one not being in my life. He has been in my life for 13 years now, ever since I got my first apartment when I was 20. This morning, I went out to have some food with my dear beloved neighbors, since I had been too consumed by this whole thing to have any dinner last night. I hated to leave, just in case he passed...but he was looking a bit more sparkly, he had eaten lots of salmon, and was drinking lots of water. And I know that I must continue to take care of myself.

He's just shifted now, as he does quite frequently. He's probably uncomfortable in his body, being so skinny, and at least he's now laying on top of the heating pad. That will be good, he won't feel trapped by it, at least. Now he's moved on to pee on the bedroom carpet, and is trying to get comfortable in the hallway. His cries are so sorrow-inducing. They seem to say, "I don't understand! What is happening?" And I am trying to be there for the little guy, just to comfort him with touch. He is weak, staggers when he walks. But to my great joy and delight, he still came to meet me at the door when I returned home from having brunch...oh, the joy of my little buddy Familiar, meeting me at the door so many times, demanding, "food please, and now!"

The vet didn't even need to do much to know that he was experiencing some liver ailment. It could be liver failure or cancer, or some other thing, and it probably also a hyperthyroid problem too. But she seemed to think it was advanced enough, evidenced by the jaundice in his skin and eyes, that it was only going to be a matter of time. I am still in disbelief that the time is nearing to say goodbye to this little creature who has taught me so much, given me so much...

But it is in a moment like this when the things that truly matter become clear as the blue summer sky. I love this kitty. I couldn't care less that he's peeing on the rug, that can be cleaned. I only want to be here to love him and to fulfill my commitment to him, that I would lovingly care for him for as long as he walked this earth. My heart is breaking...but my own suffering is not so consuming that I am not coming back to this blessed gift of time together. I am so lucky to have whatever time we have right now. I want to keep my heart open in spite of the pain, to love him over and over again, to feel the pain and allow it to stretch my heart even wider.

Blessings and love to you, little Familiar kitty, sweet buddy. I am here for you, I am here.