Unsolicited Advice

This day has fallen out of rhythm with the daily process of writing that I’ve been embracing, but I am grateful for what it has brought to me - an afternoon filled with depth and insight into being human and relating that are the gift of today’s Nonviolent Communication workshop. And in this moment, I am feeling glad that my daily writing is coming later - and I am now going to have the blessed opportunity to go deeper into what I have just been working with in NVC.

We were given a prompt - to choose some situation in which something that was said or done caused us to be triggered in such a way that we have not let go of it. And then, we were paired up, and given a process to follow to explore that situation more fully. It actually took me some time to find something that was “alive” for me in this way, which was a welcome surprise! But surely enough, I found something that was under my skin. It wasn’t a particular incident with a particular person, as many other people’s were. It was a particular kind of situation for me: the giving of unsolicited advice.

I have brought this up in at least one previous blog, for sure, but today I was able to go deeper into why this bothers me so much, and what I am needing that isn’t being met by the giving of unsolicited advice. I also faced my own tendency to be an advice-giver...which allows me to visit both sides of the situation, and that is what I’m hoping to dive into more deeply right now.

I had shared that upon discovering that while I am feeling stifled by unsolicited advice, that I have often been the one offering unsolicited advice myself. Lynd, one of the facilitators had some really beautiful insight into the need that is alive behind the giving of advice: the desire to offer my life energy forward to others, to help in some way. And in this moment I am grateful to her for stopping me in my process of repressing anything within myself, to listen to my own need as an advice giver in order to gain insight into the motives of those who are offering me advice, too.

When I see someone struggling with something, and unhappy in the way that life shows up as a result of that struggle, I want to help in some way. And truly, I have often been intolerant of people who have seemed to *never* move beyond their struggle. I can see that in my life I have lost many friendships as a result of my “helping.” Sometimes this has been really painful. I have never intended to cause any harm in my advising. I have only wanted to offer an outside perspective that may or may not help someone clarify their situation in order to take action - to FIX the struggle, to make things better. But sometimes, it has been very welcome, too. Some people are addicted to the drama of this kind of endless suffering. And there have been times that I have been grateful to walk away from what I feel is a “lost cause.”

The truth is, there has been a lot of judgement in the perspective that I have brought to these kinds of situations. And the Universe is so kind a teacher, she has brought me the experience of the other side in order to learn this really well. Thank you.

It was in Peru this August when I first became aware of this shift in myself. I had gone into ceremony a couple times and found myself touching into some really subtle, yet powerful part of myself. I felt myself hesitating to enter into conversations with people about these things, but also felt myself needing to speak some of these things out loud in all their vagueness and uncertainty. I talked to one friend, and found that I could hardly articulate one complete idea before my friend would interrupt with suggestions, interpretations, advice. I felt a deep dread in my belly as this kept happening. After every couple sentences, he would interject his strong ideas about my experiences. I felt stifled, and eventually ended the conversation. Several more times this kind of thing happened, with him and with one other person. Gradually, I began to see that I was being offered unsolicited advice, and that I was feeling like I couldn’t get into the juice of my own experience because I couldn’t follow the flow of my own words for any length of time. Interruptions upon interruptions, while well intentioned, were blocking my path.

The Wisdom Circle process in my neighborhood has been a real blessing in learning another way, one that is very much in line with NVC. We meet, sit in a circle, and are invited to speak from the heart whatever things are alive for us in the moment. Usually there is some kind of brief reading that inspires the start of the conversation, but beyond that, we all offer whatever arises spontaneously. The most powerful part is in the way that what we speak is received - there is a rule that we do not respond to the speaker in any way. Some people may acknowledge what is spoken with “ho” but otherwise, we receive each other’s words in deep, attuned silence. While this sounds a bit odd at first, I must say that I have never felt more *heard* in my life. What a blessing to show up and speak honestly and authentically, without fearing the judgement that could ensue in a “normal” conversation. And perhaps there is still judgement there, who knows. But it is left to the owner of the judgement and not hoisted forth onto the speaker. And what freedom as a listener, too, to just receive the experience and words of a person without having to come up with any witty response, or solution, or an equal story to match it. Just speaking and listening. I have been deeply moved in this process, and have come to experience a beautiful feeling of trust and communion with these people. I am fed by this process beyond any other.

While I was in Peru, I realized how much I was longing for this quality of connection. I did eventually address these needs with my advice-giving friend, trying to explain how the Wisdom Circle communication works, and he did try. But beyond those conversations, I have come to realize how deeply this has affected my whole life.

If I am constantly afraid of sounding like an idiot, or being wrong, or whatever, I am going to censor everything that I say. I am going to try to be right all the time. I am going to try to sound intelligent and good no matter what. I am going to try to avoid any conversation that takes me into zones outside of my comfort zone, and perhaps feel confrontational if conversations do take me there. Or, if I am not willing to be confrontational, I may walk away. Either way, I am feeling that who I am is somehow not okay, that I must tailor myself to fit every situation. And wow, how tiring this is! If there is never a time when I can show up with others, not have all the answers, and just be present for whatever that is, I am going to want to spend a lot of time alone. And that is exactly what I have done for much of my life.

While I was in Peru, I found myself entering into profound new levels of self-acceptance. I found myself outraged when advice was tossed at me. I just wanted to speak whatever was real for me in the moment! To be in a space of not-knowing, of not having answers, for as long as necessary...whether that was five minutes or five days or five years!! For the first time, I felt such a deep sense of trust in my own process in spite of not having all the answers. And I wanted to savor that process of unfoldment, of following the epiphanies whenever they came. And most of all, I wanted to share that with the people in my life. What an amazing transformation within me, too. It was essentially a deep shift from living as a loner, isolating myself from others, into living in connection with others, wanting to share my life with all its uncertainty and processes. Wow!

Today in the workshop, I contacted some deep beliefs that have been underlying my isolation for years. A few:

- There’s no space for unknowingness.
- Do people believe that they know better than I do?
- People don’t value discovery, and coming from an inner place where answers aren’t known.
- People aren’t relating to each other.
- People are just pushing their own ideas.
- There’s no listening, just speaking...and even less connection.
- Others will only listen “if you do it my way.”
- There’s no solution, we can’t both get our needs met.

Deeper even:

- I’m not going to waste my energy if I can’t be met where I am.
- I don’t want to be trapped with people who can’t accept me as I am.
- I can’t change external circumstances.
- I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with other people when I don’t feel accepted.
- When I show up authentic and people can’t handle it, I need to pull back or walk away.
- I shut down; I don’t want to hear, listen, or read anything more.

Essentially, I desire to be in a place of unknowing, and to share that in connection with others. And when I am bombarded with advice, my response is, “Stop! Stop! Let me find my own way!!” I like to believe that I don't have to do that in solitude. But it will surely require my deep honesty with those offering the advice. Honoring their desire to be truly helpful, but requesting that they could help in a much simpler way, by just listening and offering attention and presence.