Well, it was bound to happen sometime...I missed writing yesterday! I was lying in bed last night, and it hit me that I hadn't written here...and I took a deep breath and let it go. Today is another day, and here I am, showing up on the page again.
Yesterday the fog started to clear, and it has continued to clear throughout today. The fear-based thinking that has been pulling me down, down, down began to lift. But not willingly. It has taken some serious effort on my part, some serious desire to hoist the thick stuckness off of me, and to send it on its way again and again.
I had a conversation with my beloved neighbor Lynn yesterday morning. The night before, I had fallen into a panic-stricken terror while trying to fall asleep. I had seen Alan's light on and knocked on the door, and he kindly sat with me while I wept and shivered and was overcome by the experience. Lynn suggested that *this* wasn't grieving and mourning...that it was something else. Possibly something else that was trying to feed on my grieving and mourning. An attachment that was drawn to the dark, heavy, sorrowful energy I have been emitting. And that attachment energy/presence/being/whatever was triggering me to feeling more alone and afraid and paranoid in order to feed itself. Having had strange experiences with energies like this before, I decided to sit with her idea, and see what happened.
She was absolutely right on.
There was one heavy presence, thick and gooey like a jellyfish, that was draped over my head, making it impossible for me to connect to any feeling or thought of love and power. I knew that I loved things, was passionate about things, but couldn't remember what exactly...I was stuck! I also felt there were two other secondary presences that were benefitting from the brain-sucking of the first one...and using my fear to trigger pain and pressure in my body, making me more afraid and paranoid that something was wrong with me. Seeing this, shining light into the dark places, these "attachments" were caught in the act - busted! And things started to change instantly.
My mantra these last two days has been "get the FUCK OFF of me!" Sometimes it has been necessary to physically pull the energies off my body. Sometimes the intention and words and feeling behind them are enough. But I have found in this a path back to my power. My center. Even if I was suffering from some strange series of afflictions, is *this* the way I want to die? Shriveled in fear and paranoia? Absolutely not! And I have felt things really turn upward today. Little bubbles of something have started appearing in my belly, along with feelings of something like joy in my heart. They are small, and still lost in a sea of sadness and residual body responses to fear and trauma, but they are there. Like seedlings emerging in the spring.
At our last Wisdom Circle, someone asked a question, "what gets you out of bed in the morning?" My answer came quickly, spontaneously. I get out of bed in the morning in the same way that seedlings emerge in the spring, from cold, hard, desolate earth that appears barren. I awake in the morning with the call of the sun, the call of life. And now, in this time of letting go and healing from the death of my sweet little Familiar kitty, the same energy is emerging. The energy of uprising, of life living itself alive over and over and over again.
What has been coming as a gift in this time of sorrow, followed by this time of fear, is the experience of softness. Of feeling laid out onto the ground, sprawling, vulnerable, with no resistance left in me. And beyond the fear and paranoia about my own mortality, beyond my sorrow about the loss of my kitty, there is this other piece of me, raw and honest. In fact, as I sit with it right now, I find that the sorrow and the fear and paranoia are *re-actions* to things that have happened. But this deeper piece is not...this raw, honest part is maybe the simplest, purest voice that I have ever heard come from me. It isn't worried about how I look or sound, how I will be perceived, what anyone else in the world is doing or thinking. It merely shows up, vulnerable and simple, honest for lack of energy to be anything else. And this voice feels so authentic. It almost feels like the other responses are happening in the snowglobe of my life - shaken up completely - but this other voice is the one that emerges after the snow settles down - in the empty space. Mmm. Yes.
A little more than a week before Familiar kitty passed, I had come to discover this new authenticity appearing in my life, and a total shift away from the fears that I had carried so long regarding how I am perceived by others. I am grateful to have taken the time to acknowledge that and to be present with it in my writing. And now, I see how that came at the perfect time. I have been learning to be authentic in a whole new way in this process of grief and panic and letting go. I am in various degrees of falling apart and coming back together every day right now! And there is no part of me that is trying to hide, to push people away, to pretend everything is fine, life as usual. Life is *not* as usual. And I am living authentically, riding that wave as it comes, accepting everything, trying to stay present. One breath at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.
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