Dream of Betrayal

Cloudy morning. Still. A few birds are singing, but not full-on singing of bright spring days, this is a singing of economy. Past the birds, I hear sounds of traffic in the distance...which I don't normally hear from home. Now, a second kind of bird is joining the conversation, and the singing is more lively, if not ecstatic. A third enters, and the symphony of morning is beginning to blossom. As I sit here writing, a loud purr penetrates, and my sweet kitty companion has begun to lick my hand while I type. He is such a being of love, and his affection and sweetness have been a balm to my heart in these last couple of weeks. I truly don't know what I would do without him right now.

Last night, I was awakened sharply by a dream. What I remember is somewhat disjointed, but a few images are clear, and the feelings are penetrating even now. I dreamed that I had observed behavior between these two people that concerned me greatly. These two people were a part of our larger community, and seeing this, I wanted to help. I can't remember now exactly what it was that the man was doing to the woman, but it seemed to be causing her harm. Not feeling safe to confront them alone, I went to some of the others in the group to talk about what I had seen. Instead of receiving the concern and support that I had imagined would come from sharing this, and instead of enlisting help to confront the two people, my words were received in silence. This didn't concern me right away, but I began to feel the silence as a space between me and my concern, and something else that was going on around me. I made the decision not to take it personally, but I began to feel an impending sense of danger. Soon, those I had spoken to about this issue had shared my observation with the rest of the community, and they began to come after me, with no explanation. It became clear that I had seen something that I was not supposed to see, and everyone else knew about it, and now they must destroy me. I fled the building, and went outside. On one side of the building was a river that I could not easily cross, on the other side was a road, and the two people I had observed. The rest of the community began to come at me, almost like zombies, and they came from all sides of the building, even the roof. Just before I awoke, I began screaming and trying to find a route for escape, but felt none was possible.

This dream was intense. I felt deep betrayal by the community in which I was living. I felt like they had been hiding something from me, and maybe the same thing had happened to the other woman who had been harmed by the man - the very thing I had observed. When I probe deeper into the dream, I have a lot of questions. I'm having a hard time diving into the depth of them right now, but the feeling of betrayal, followed by the feeling of deep fear linger in me still.

I have felt plenty of fear in my life recently. Fear about living and dying, about the truth that eventually my body will fail. Fear about going through this intense process of love and loss over and over again in my life. Fear of not knowing when either of these things will grace my life. Is the fear in the dream the same as these? Probably...it sure was a fear related to living and dying. But the betrayal...was that related to this? Maybe the betrayal I felt wasn't from the community in a literal sense, but feeling betrayed by the continuity of livingness all around me that will one day cease. Living flows onward, it is only the forms that life takes that cease. And yet, the forms of livingness sure do seem to be the essence of life to me most days. I have read enough esoteric spiritual texts to have an intellectual understanding of this, but to learn it in my heart, and in my body...I'm not there yet.

I am struck by the feeling of wanting to escape, and having no place to escape into that would be impervious to their chase. Behind me in the dream was a forest. To my left, a river, and a forest on the other side. These were my only possibilities of hiding, but it seemed hopeless to even try, because their numbers were great, and my own survival and hiding skills were not strong. This feeling that I am coming in touch with is familiar to me, for sure. The feeling of being backed into a corner, and having no way out. In this moment, I don't feel the need to analyze it any further, just to hold it and sit with it. Perhaps during this day, these things will be clearer, and will bring me some understanding.