One Week

From my seat here in my bed, I can see a cloudy blue sky, and a tree whose leaves are just beginning to turn yellow. The sunlight is faint and weak this morning, providing some brightness but little warmth. But I am lucky, I am being given warmth by the cozy blankets all around me, and especially by the little golden kitty to my left side. He has a fixation with licking my hands, and has been licking away as I type. I sometimes think he likes the taste of the soap I use in the bathroom - Dr. Bronner's Peppermint - it must feel cool on his tongue.

One week ago right now, I was outstretched in the bathroom floor as my little Familiar kitty love was suffering and whining, crying out weakly. I am glad that I will not be home when that fated hour arrives - 1110am - the hour of his passing. It seems impossible that a week has passed since he died. In fact, since he became ill, my whole sense of the passing of time has become even less clear than usual. It is like the whole flow of my life stopped for him. I have a hard time figuring out which day it is, and what time it is. I am meeting my obligations without trouble, but in the other hours of the day, I feel pretty much lost. It's amazing the way a little being can give so much meaning to the day...and how empty and confusing those days become when that little being is gone.

But Friday kitty is such an incredible blessing. He can't heal the heartbreak or erase the sorrow. But he is so loving and so cuddly, and he just shows up *all the time* to love me. I always have laughed about his sweetness - that he is a "heart with feet." And that's always been true. If people broke into the house to steal stuff, I can just imagine him saying, "okay, take what you want, but hey, sit down a while and give me some love, what are you in such a hurry for?!" My little Friday kitty teacher has taught me many things, too. The two that have come to mind the most readily are these: have no memory, and love everyone for no reason. These are the gifts of this little being to my heart. I love him so much, and if he wasn't here right now, I don't know if I could be in this house anymore.

It all came on so quickly with Familiar - he seemed fine, and then he wasn't, and then he was gone in less than two days. And this has given me plenty of anxiety about my own body and mortality. The pain of my sorrow has definitely come into my body, with pronounced anxiety. Add to that PMS and an unusual amount of cramps accompanying that, and I have been pretty paranoid. I haven't been to a doctor in years, and I have little faith in western medicine...they tend to treat people as objects, so little respect, and very little time and listening...they just seem to want to medicate you and get you out of the office. But this is why I have come to appreciate alternative medicine so much. My acupuncturist always has the time to listen to what is going on, body, mind, and spirit. In fact, it is necessary to know that in order to choose a treatment. But now, my mind spins to "what if?" If Familiar kitty could go from fine to gone in a few days, my own life is equally fragile. And my parents have health issues that are considered genetically passed down - high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I find myself concerned that I will be afflicted with these things too, especially given that I am overweight and have been my whole life. When my mind gets hold of these ideas, the fear and paranoia mount, more and more and more.

But the truth is that I am not my parents. I eat relatively well. I don't eat junk food, really, and haven't for years. I eat fresh fruit and veggies, and whole grains. I have been vegetarian for more than ten years. I do eat way too much sugar, though, and that is probably my major downfall in eating healthy. I do walk somewhat regularly, too, but am not as active as I'd like to be. I have been making an effort to walk more these last few days. I suppose that if this fear and paranoia do bring me a sincere message of ways that I can improve my own health and wellbeing, they are not empty messengers. I am listening to those needs, the needs to take better care of my body out of love of this life.

The clouds have cleared somewhat, and the sunlight is bolder. A soft breeze is rustling the trees, and a bird is calling in the distance - or is that a squirrel? It is a beautiful day. I am grateful to be alive in this sweet world.