What an amazing weekend this has been. Truly a blessing during a time in my life when I needed it the most. This has been a time of going into deep questions, of connecting with my desires to turn love into action, and of experiencing community around those questions and desires. I have been able to hold space for myself in this time of mourning without having to go into seclusion, and have been able to engage in meaningful experiences and conversations with wonderful people, and without ever feeling the need to turn the sad, hurting parts of myself away. It has been a weekend of both/and instead of either/or. In NVC language, it has been a time of "power with" instead of "power over." And I am feeling deeply nourished.
Tonight I had a long, wonderful conversation with Eileen, my gracious host and dear new soul sister. She is a strong, yet gentle woman, with a huge heart, and rich laughter. I have enjoyed hearing stories about her life, connecting in a really rich, authentic way. And I greatly appreciate the space to be who I am, to say anything, to ride the wave of life as it shows up...an amazing gift she has offered me. I have been talking so much lately about how I am coming into a time of truly accepting and loving myself, of being able to show up authentically without fear of judgement or not being accepted. But each time this shows up in my life with a new person, it gives me strength in this new way of being. It gives me confidence in this new, vulnerable way of living in the world, and encourages me to feed it, water it. And it is an ever-giving way of living...the more I am accepted, the more I am able to embrace others with that same acceptance, which delivers more of the same to me, on and on and on.
When I start to get excited about this way of living in the world, I can get so carried away, and start writing in a way that is ecstatic and beatific, and what I do notice when that happens is that I lose the connection with others, and with this world. I am wanting to observe that more in my life to see how it shows up. The energy that I feel in this excitement is an energy that moves me powerfully to express what it is that I'm feeling. The energy moves up and out in a rush. There is a part of me that is wondering how it would feel to approach things in another way. Not to repress the power of the feeling of excitement, but to allow it to simmer and deepen instead of exploding out of me in the form of words or action. What would it be like if I could simply sit with that intense living energy, and allow it to live within me? When the flames of the fire are licking the logs and dancing high, the fire is beautiful, but it is when the flames die down and the logs start to glow that the fire becomes mature, and the heat really radiates. I just wonder how this same principle might work in my own life. Hmmm...
As I prepare to return home tomorrow morning, I am feeling glad to return to my bed and my kitty. It will be wonderful to connect with the beautiful people in my life, and to begin the walk in my life once more, with more time having passed since Familiar kitty died. I am still feeling sadness about his passing every single day. I am still feeling the intensity of the impact of his passing on my body. I am thinking that having an acupuncture session early in the week would be wonderful if I can get that scheduled, for sure. And I am finding a real need to remember to stay present to my own experience and feelings, instead of pushing them away in the name of convenience or being "strong." I want to return to the soft place that this loss has opened in me, to stay connected to my heart even as life goes on.
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