The Heart of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving week is here. And I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I am going to enjoy spending time each day devoting my attention to all the blessings my life has generously given me. Most recently, I am grateful to be alive and well in this body that I call my home. After my accident, I am feeling a renewed sense of gratitude for my life. Especially since during the previous week I spent a lot of time saying "fuck it all" and "what is the point of this life anyway?" I wonder if I had given more energy to that kind of thinking whether my accident would have turned out any differently... What I do know is that life gives us all opportunities to check out or to decide to stay around. And I am feeling pretty clear right now that I am exactly where I need to be. This life has a lot more to offer me, and I have a lot more to offer it.

I have a bright red rental car right now, and was able to go to the body shop and empty my car of so much crap. I was told that they should have an opportunity to check out my car tomorrow and hopefully determine the cost of repairs, and whether or not my insurance company will pay for those repairs or total the car. Either way, it is pretty much empty now. I took away bag after bag of stuff: two large plastic garbage bags filled with glass and plastic recycling, a bag of clothes and shoes, another bag of papers and binders, and several more bags of random stuff. I even found an umbrella! I didn't know I even owned one...

I am also grateful that I could go grocery shopping tonight. I pulled out a cookbook from a Buddhist monastery, and found a couple of heavenly sounding recipes. One was for quinoa lentil mushroom loaf, and the other was for sweet potato burritos. Unfortunately, I ended up needing a lot of ingredients, and headed out to Trader Joe's and My Organic Market. By the time I got home, it was nearly 8pm, and my steam for cooking up a feast had withered. So, tomorrow night I will have good things to create, and that sounds wonderful!

One of the things that I get frustrated with this time of year, though, is the whole speedy convenience living of it all. Trader Joe's was filled with tables and shelves of ready-made foods that would be luxurious and tasty for the holiday. And there were tons of folks flocking around them, picking their treasures. It makes me sad, though, that people are no longer willing to devote some good time to preparing this feast of gratitude. It has become, largely, just one more obligatory holiday where so many people just go through the motions and create the feast without any connection to the meaning of it all. Now, sure, much of the meaning could be found within a bunch of white religious zealots who sailed their ships to the New World and began spreading plagues and dominating the intricate balance the indigenous people held within the natural world. But somewhere deeper, I find this holiday a time of celebrating the harvest, the bounty that Mother Earth has given us yet again. Celebrating the beauty of togetherness, and creating food in community. Of celebrating gratitude for all that we receive. And there is something that makes my skin crawl about the whole way people buy the ready-made pie without knowing who made it, and without knowing where it came from, and without caring a bit about those things. One more way that Americans want what they want, cheap and convenient and easy, without needing to contribute much of themselves to it, other than money. *shiver*

And with these things in mind, I am feeling super-inspired to cook. I am feeling grateful for having a lot of time this week. I am also feeling grateful for the slowness I have been inviting into my life since I began this blog, contemplating voluntary simplicity. To me, cooking a feast to share with my beloveds is the very essence of what makes life worth living. And *that* is something that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving.

Microwaves and Convenience

Another blessed, quiet, beautiful morning on my porch. Cool wind blowing the trees, overcast sky with windows of pure blue. Kitty on the rug staring me down, begging for my breakfast. And it's truly a cat's delight...oatmeal with flax and dried cranberries...haha! There is some noise off in the distance that is probably some kind of road construction team. When I first heard it, still in my dreamy morning mind, I imagined that it was a drum circle really rocking out! Oh, the joy that would bring, to wake up to that kind of "noise" on any given day! But, too, there are other sounds that draw me in more deeply than the road construction noises far away. Crickets are singing their songs, and a couple of crows are calling out to each other. Could they still be chasing that hawk, like they were on Sunday? These are the timeless sounds that lure me out of my mind, and into my heart...into the whole wide world, of which I am an inseparable part.

Yesterday I had another crunchy time. It was mid-afternoon. I had enjoyed a luxurious morning, and had finally gotten myself together to leave the house. I needed to take care of a few errands, stop by my friends' house to take care of some housesitting chores, and have some lunch before I made my way to class. Unfortunately I didn't allow myself enough time to take care of all of it. I left my friends' house with ten minutes to spare, hoping to stop by David's Natural Market to get some lunch. Okay, it was nearly 430pm, that's not exactly "lunch" as we define it in this culture. But it was the time when I needed to eat something, and I was hoping to find something good there. Well, I did. The kitchen closed at 4pm, and I found some prepared foods in a case nearby. I went to the "cafe" area of David's in search of a microwave. Nothing. I looked around, curious. Nothing. Finally, I found an employee, and asked her where I could heat up the food. She wasn't sure, and asked an older man, who was sitting at a desk in the front. He gruffly informed me that there was no microwave. Now, in the open kitchen, I had walked by one! I said as much, and asked if someone could just heat up the food for me. Once more, gruffly, he said "we're not supposed to do that. The kitchen is closed and that is that." I was stunned. There was a microwave right there, in a food-prep section. But because of some arbitrary "rules" he was flat-out refusing to render my beans and rice dish edible. Not that it was busy, I was the only customer in sight. Just out of beaurocratic rules...or perhaps he might cite a "health code violation" if I pushed him further. Stunned, I dropped the food on the conveyor belt by the register, and informed them they'd lost this customer.

There are so many pieces of this that are fucked up! That a food market that prepares food and sells that very food would refuse to heat that food for a customer - this is insanity! That "we're not supposed to" is used as an excuse - this is pathetic at best. That some arbitrary bullshit rules actually have some degree of weight in peoples' lives - as opposed to stepping up with some degree of personal responsibility and making the decision that is kind, humane, logical. And stepping beyond this isolated incident - that this is the SECOND time in around a week that I have been given the same answer!! My mind is effectively blown.

But what I'm also hearing beyond this is important to acknowledge too. I have been on the fence about having a microwave for a while now. It sure is fast and convenient when it comes down to eating or not eating at the last minute. I've had friends who absolutely refuse to own a microwave because of the fact that it's using radiation to heat food...and that it destroys the quality of the food. And now, twice in a week, I have been refused access to a microwave in public to heat my food. Irritating, yes. But is it also pointing me to a deeper need?

I have let go of convenience in many parts of my life. I cook for myself much of the time, instead of going out to eat. I take my own bags to the supermarket. I opt for products with no packaging whenever I can, and then factor into my purchases the environmental impact of whatever packaging there is. I almost never buy processed foods in the market, and when I do, I only buy organic. I try to be as economical as possible about driving, and include as many stops as possible in a small area, so to not waste gas driving all over the place. I have been composting my organic waste for more than a year, and will hopefully have something to contribute to the health of the garden once Spring returns. I enjoy making choices that are better for the environment, and also in alignment with my own desire to slow down and enjoy life more. I don't buy cookie dough at the store - I bake my own from scratch, and wow, they are so much better! Has the day come for me to let go of this next "convenience" - to get rid of the microwave?

Once again, I am brought back to the very thing that made me decide to start this blog in the first place - contemplating my life, and the changes that I may need to make in order to live more simply, and also to nurture myself in ways that are missing. Do I really need a microwave? I don't often buy frozen food, and have found a variety of ways to heat leftovers - in pots, in the oven, in the toaster oven, in my steamer. Hmmm...this sounds just about right. Maybe it's time to put the microwave in my basement, right next to the TV. ;)

Fortunately, on my way to class, I did decide to stop and find some food. I stopped in another small health food store - Good Life Market in Severna Park. They always have several crocks of homemade soups, hot and organic, and vegetarian, and ready to go. The owners are Indian, and so very nice. They asked which soup I chose, and told me that the Curried Cauliflower Chickpea is one of their favorites, very satisfying as a whole meal. I left, dinner in hand, feeling like my faith in humanity had been restored. This is a business that I am grateful to support. And the soup, as always, was amazing.

In the Flow

It is a beautiful, quiet morning. I am enjoying another morning on my porch, connecting with the world around me. The sky is pretty overcast, but patches of bright blue are promising their clarity in the afternoon. There is a sweet coolness that speaks of fall, and a few more leaves are scattering on the ground. Yesterday it rained pretty solidly through the afternoon and evening, and it was delightful! And now, after the rain, the Magnolia's cones are more rosy, ripening like fruit. Beautiful! The sun just burst through the clouds, and the world is awash in brightness.

I am appreciating just how much this blog is helping me to connect to myself. Just one week ago today, I was hosting a brunch in my house, enjoying the laughter and company of some really great friends...hoping to create more community in my life. Now, after less than a week of blogging, I am finding things shifting and moving more already, and in a direction that is meaningful and fulfilling. What a blessing!

I have been looking for ways to live more green in my daily life for a little more than a year. I attended a workshop at the Well in May 2008 that was super inspiring, providing many ideas of how to live greener everyday. I began composting right away, and eventually made myself a compost bin out of a Rubbermaid trashcan. Ever since, I have been saving my organic waste, and composting it...turning my food scraps in to food for the gardens! I also made a commitment to myself not to buy any more conventional cleansers that contain so many toxic ingredients. It all just ends up in the water, and I don't want to drink that! So, the wonders of essential oils, white vinegar, and natural cleaners have made my house less toxic. The one thing I was really hoping for, too, was a clothesline. I talked to my landlord about it, about how much energy it can save. He wouldn't hear of it. There's just been too much of a stigma created around laundry lines and "white trash"... I don't get it myself! So, since last fall, I have been yearning for a way of doing this without directly going against my landlord's wishes. Yesterday it hit me!

When I was in college I had a collapsible drying rack for hand washing. It wasn't very sturdy, and I didn't use it much. Eventually it fell apart, and I tossed it. But yesterday, it hit me that THAT is exactly how I could have a laundry line. So, I went to Target, found one that was good and sturdy, and came home to hang out my first wash. Now, this certainly isn't an answer for days when I might be in a hurry for some particular clothes. And it's not ideal for drying heavy towels and bed linens. Right now, almost 24 hours later, my clothes are still not dry, due to the rain. But in the name of living green and in voluntary simplicity, I've made my choice! Funny how such a small, silly thing can make a person feel so empowered. Haha!!

Last night, I drove to Virginia for my friend J.J.'s birthday gathering. After my epiphany yesterday in my writing, I was rather curious how I would be at a party of people I didn't know. Usually, this has not been my kind of scene...I have felt like a wallflower, watching people, and trying not to be seen. But last night, I had a great time! I ended up seeing several people I had previously met through Nonviolent Communication workshops, and enjoyed those conversations so much. I met several new people too, which was lovely. This whole evening has shown me some real truth about what I was writing about yesterday. Having let go of so much self-consciousness, I can truly show up as I am! And in doing that, I am much freer to just listen to whoever I meet, open to receive what they have to offer the conversation. And what a relief, not to be constantly worried about whether or not they like me, or are judging me for my ideas, or my appearance. What liberation!! Does this truly mark the end of my lifetime of social anxiety, of fear of judgment? When I consider that as a real possibility, everything in me relaxes, and it's the kind of relaxation that goes right to the core of my being.

After a lifetime of feeling that I shouldn't be who I am, that I need to somehow be some other version of myself, and that I will never be accepted the way I really am, I became aware of the feeling in myself that I couldn't relax. Ever. Not really. I remember writing about this in the summer, before I went to Peru. And the miracle of it, seeing how this has shifted within me, without me really even realizing it! I am so grateful for this. The changes that I saw in my life last year after coming home from Peru were so wonderful, I couldn't even believe it. But now, as I am finding the gifts of my work there this time...I am humbled and truly in awe of this Medicine and the deep healing that I have experienced. I just have no words...this is a blessing beyond any I could have ever imagined.

Communion, Mother Earth, and my Fellow Humans

Yesterday's blog really allowed me to hear some needs within myself that were not being met, and I was able to listen to those needs and begin to meet some of them. I spent time on the porch having breakfast with the kitty, and sipping a cup of tea. A much better way to begin the day! And what I noticed during the rest of the day is that no matter what things I "had" to do, I was coming from a place of deeper satisfaction within myself. Being stuck in slow traffic on the way to school wasn't as much of a pain as it might have been otherwise. By beginning my day by honoring my needs, my whole perspective shifted.

So, this morning, I am writing this from the cushions on my porch. There is a slight chill in the air, even though it is almost noon. A few stray leaves are turning yellow on the trees in front of my house. The cones on the Magnolia are still pink and fuzzy, and I am really looking forward to watching them become...well, the thing I found on the streets of DC last winter! I still remember the day, I was walking to a meeting for the Choral Arts teaching artists, and there on the sidewalk was this incredible, bizarre looking "pinecone." I picked it up and carried it with me to the meeting, hoping to find someone who could recognize it. Someone told me it was from a Magnolia, and before that point I'd never really been interested in or aware of those trees.

This season, Magnolia has become one of my beloved friends. Her shiny leaves seem out of place within the realm of foliage that lives in this area...they seem misplaced from the Amazon. And yet here she is! I have peripherally noticed the blooms on the tree in my yard for years, but never really made a connection with them. All I could see were giant white blooms that looked like a wad of crumpled paper. What a tragedy that I never looked closer!! This year, the Magnolia bloomed more than ever before! The blooms were huge and creamy white, with thick, soft petals...which turn brown and leathery when they wither and fall to the ground. The center of the blossom is otherworldly, very sturdy and intricate...these become the cones. But the fragrance, oh!! She leaves me utterly spellbound. One day this past summer, I was laying on the ground beneath her, and periodically, a river of fragrance would sweep by...it was just magnificent!

Taking the time to see, to connect with the world around me, both human and plant and animal and wind and water and earth and sky...this is the richness of life, for me. Remembering "all my relations," as the Native Americans say. And when I do find the time and space to live within this perspective, I feel a deep sense of belonging. A belonging that transcends our constructed human ideas of what it means to belong. The "Garden of Eden" is still right here!! But I have to show up to live within it, to choose it consciously. What I long for, more than ever, is to share this kind of connection with my fellow human beings. Not just occasionally, when the season changes and someone hosts a party, but on a daily basis. Living in connection with "all my relations" in each day. What a beautiful thing it could be, to take the time to sit and be with the Earth, to be with the day/night, to be with the weather...and to be with other humans, too, while doing this! Much of the time...most of the time...I do this alone.

Once more, I am feeling the pull of simplicity. I feel how it is when I'm so busy, doing doing doing doing so much, and how I long for the luxury of porch sitting and watching the wind in the trees. And I feel how difficult it can be to step out of the raging flow of activity and try to claim a few moments of silence and peace. Guilt sometimes emerges, and stressful to get "behind." Sometimes this extends beyond the luxury of porch sitting into basic self-care. I don't have the time to provide myself good, nourishing food...cooking takes so long on those days, and there is no joy in it. Sleep is not usually a problem for me, but when life is super-hectic, I find that I need to sleep for 9 hours or more in order to restore myself from the intensity of living in such a busy way. And I end up feeling angry and stuck and frustrated all the time, I have no patience, and I really have no feeling of love for myself or for the world. On days like these, I have often felt like driving my car off the road and just abandoning it. Walking away. I am pretty sure I am not the only one...

What a blessing this week has been. I have had very little going on. Students calling out sick, and I, too, was feeling a bit run down early in the week. I have had lots of sleep, and have had the dear, sweet time to begin this blog and connect to my deeper needs and desires.

I had dinner with my friend Liz the other night. Indian food. And one of the things that I have come to appreciate about her is that our conversations are never trivial or shallow. I can be real and open with her, and I can cry, and I can be frustrated, and I can be joyful. I can show up exactly as I am, and that's perfect. What a gift, indeed! While I was waiting for her, I was realizing that I hadn't felt connected to my heart in days...I felt empty and scattered, and there wasn't much joy within me. By the time I left, I felt completely connected to my heart, open and honest and true. I am so grateful for this friendship, it is deeply nourishing, true sisterhood and soul food.

I am yearning deeply for this quality of connection in my life. But what I realize is that I don't experience it very often. I don't know a lot of people who are willing and able to go there with me. I feel like much of the time, when I let myself go there in conversation, people don't know how to receive it. Some get uncomfortable ...these conversations end up not lasting very long. Some people just try to distract from the depth, lighten it up, change the subject. Some people don't know how to be in this kind of connection at all, having never felt fully free to show up exactly as they are. Some people talk endlessly, always talking about something or other, never allowing the conversation any space to breathe or settle. And then, there's the advice givers...

I am fully able to admit and see that I have been an advice giver for much of my life. I am a "helper." I hate to see people stuck or unhappy, and I have little tolerance for people who complain constantly about this or that. For some people, life is always full of drama and problems, and I have had a very hard time sitting idly and watching people live in misery day after day, unwilling or unable to change that situation. It is always easier to see solutions to *someone else's* problems! But I am finding that unsolicited advice is rarely welcome. It often comes with the best of intentions, for sure. But it also comes with a lot of assumptions. Twice this week, in fact, I received unsoliticited advice from two different friends, both of whom are "helpers" and dear, sweet beings...and both times, I could feel an edge of something hard to describe...

My community has formed a "wisdom circle." And once a month for the last six months, we have met to have deep, heartfelt conversations. One of the "rules" of our meetings is that there is absolutely no advice giving in response to what a person offers. There is also another "rule" that states each person must only speak using "I/me/my" instead of the easy slip into "you" or "we," which also carry tremendous assumptions. So deeply entrenched is the tendency to offer advice, to help others clarify their situation, or to make them feel better. And what I've noticed in these six months is that there is a tremendous sense of freedom and acceptance that comes with speaking from the heart without receiving any response! It is far easier to say exactly what's alive in the moment without fearing the judgement of others, or worrying about how stupid I must sound, or whatever. It is a powerful thing, to have space held for me, no matter what I say. And it is equally powerful to hold space for others, without having to worry about having a "proper" response. And in that space of silence, I have felt such a deep sense of connection to the others...I am so grateful for this! How prickly it feels, then, to return to conversations with people who offer their advice without any sense of this alternative...

Is it so much to ask for? All I want is to live in harmony and deep communion with Mother Earth, and all my relations. To experience deep connection and community with my fellow human beings, centered in the heart, rich and simple. To show up every day, to offer my gifts to the Earth, to accept the gifts offered in return. To live honestly and authentically, and to care for others while accepting their care in return. Is that really so much? I think not. But it will take conscious effort. I am willing. I am also very much aware that I cannot do this alone...

Voluntary Simplicity

Last week was so full. Within the first half of the week, I made the trek to Washington three times, for working - rehearsal, concert, meeting. Then twice during the week, I made the trek to Annapolis/Arnold for massage school. Finally, at the end of the week, two more treks out to Dickerson for Keith and Sarah's wedding rehearsal and ceremony. All good stuff, and all incredibly draining. Each of these drives were an hour each way. That's about fourteen hours in the car in the course of seven days.

I have chosen each of these things that takes me out onto the roads, in spite of the truth that I really don't enjoy driving around very much. While I say I would love to live without a vehicle, I drive as much as I ever have. In some sense, I am working a significant amount just to pay for the car! Gas, oil, repairs...these things really add up, so far as expenses go. But way beyond money, using a car this much also delivers a significant impact on the environment. I know that it is harmful to my own mental health, and to the health of the planet, and yet it continues.

In Pisac, almost no one has a car. People walk everywhere. When they need to get across the town while carrying stuff, there's taxis and motos. When they need to get into the valley or to Cusco, there's the bus or a collectivo taxi. I love this way of life! Every time I go to Pisac, I end up walking at least a mile a day. I never, ever miss driving. My body loves the exercise...and it's much better than the "exercise" walks I take here at home...there, I usually have a purpose, a destination...I need to go food shopping or meet up with someone. Not that I don't ever take a joy-walk there, because I sure do. But there's something about it...walking is transportation there, as well as soul food - the Andes mountains!

But here I am, back in my little town. Driving my car. I haven't taken a walk for days...probably more than a week. Why is that? Busy busy busy. Even my life - which is far more chill than many people's lives - is too busy for a walk to town every day. Or is it?

The idea that has been feeding my soul a lot in the last week is voluntary simplicity. Choosing to live in a way that is simple and sustainable. Choosing to let go of the life that may be convenient and extravagant and easy, and for the sake of financial, emotional/mental/spiritual, and environmental wellness. I'm in love with this idea. I'm reading a great book, "The Circle of Simplicity," which really looks at the ways that our culture feeds the consumerism and excess...not new information, just a confirmation of what I see around me, what I feel ready to let go of.

One particularly interesting idea that the author discusses is the way that our culture encourages competition...the polar opposite of community. While a sense of community may develop around some things...football, for example...there is always a sense of us vs. them. But our culture has a really hard time with community based around the idea of just sharing our common humanity, our everydayness, our lives. That's what I want more than anything. Community that requires no special belief, nor any special interest to gather people. Just living together out of love of togetherness. As simple as it sounds, and as utopian-hippie-commune as the idea may be, it is surely one of the most difficult choices to make. To choose to enter into the difficulties of living with other people, with all that arises...not the norm in this culture that often builds 8-bedroom McMansions for a family of four. Why, here I am, only one person, living in a 3-bedroom apartment with two bathrooms...

I don't have any clear answers. But what I do know is that the more I live in a way that is true to my soul, the more I "fall into the heart," and the more that I feel the barriers between myself and the world around me falling away, the more I know that community and simplicity are of profound importance in the way of life I want to create.