Oella Fall Potluck

I'm feeling very sleepy, and glad to be tucked under the comforter right now. Today has been a wonderful day of sunshine and connecting to beautiful people. It has also been a day of surprises, and confusions. I feel like I have fewer answers than ever about some things. But in the same breath, I feel like I have greater clarity about some of those very same things. And I am grateful that I enjoy the juxtaposition.

It is a challenge to type much right now, after a somewhat nasty fall today. I woke up this morning feeling very clear that I needed to walk to Main Street and spend some time writing on paper about things that I wasn't feeling inclined to bring to this blog, and as I made my way down the street, my dear neighbor Lynn and her boyfriend Skip drove up. We stopped our ways to chat, and then moved to a driveway to continue the chatting as another car came by to pass. As we parted ways, and they drove uphill, I turned to walk downhill, and BOOM! Out of nowhere, I was falling to the ground. I landed on my left wrist first, and the scrape is deep and painful. My knees were both scraped, too, through my pants. I rolled over to check out the damage and was grateful that my favorite linen pants hadn't been torn in the fall. But my left hand was looking pretty nasty. As the day continued, the wrist began to feel bruised and swollen, and has become hard to move. I am sure that with rest it will be fine in a few days. But for now, it does limit some things that I need to do - tomorrow's teaching artist work won't happen, and massaging on Tuesday, too, will need to be rearranged.

I had a most incredible night at the Oella Community potluck last night. These community gatherings always bring together amazing folks, both new and seasoned, and my soul is filled to the brim with joy and goodness. It's funny, last weekend I spent time dancing, and found that I had confronted some major fears about dancing. And last night, in addition to playing drums and rattles and flute, I found myself deeply called to sing...in spite of my fear about singing. It seems to me that these fears that I have held are disintegrating right in front of me. I didn't do anything to get over my fears of dancing - I just decided to dance. I didn't do anything to get over my fear of singing - I just followed the spark in my heart to sing. And I wonder, is it really that easy all the time? Is it my own thinking and tightness that get in the way of letting go of every fear that I have?

There have been so many things shifting within me in the last month. From having had the realization that I am no longer the isolated, introverted loner that I used to be, to letting go of these recent fears about dancing and singing...it seems that many of the fears that I have had about the ways that other people think of me/judge me/receive me have been largely washed away. And what I am feeling now is that there is this great freedom to just be who I am, to follow whatever passions I have, to love myself and others for who they are, and to know that the only true limitations within my life are of my own creation. It's funny...back in Peru this summer, I felt too shy to freely sing out in ceremony...and last night, I sang out joyfully without fear, by choice!

But there was a shadow of darkness in the atmosphere for me last night. An old fear came to visit as a messenger. The fear of being fully alive and expressing myself authentically and joyfully...the fear believes that if I am like this, then I will be "too much" for other to take, and that I need to temper my own expression, my own joy, my own full personality in order to be accepted. And now, I don't buy it for a minute - there was no part of me that was going to go back into suppression, into hiding, into restraining the fullness of who I am. NO WAY!! But there was a shadow of doubt that maybe I was right in some ways in that old story - that maybe there are some people who just can't handle my intensity...or perhaps some people are still in hiding too, keeping the fullness of themselves deeply buried within, barely allowing the jewel of their beings to shine brightly. And while I can empathize with that, and have been there, I see the truth of my own growth - I am not there anymore. I am so lucky to have felt genuine acceptance from my community, to know that I am loved and embraced for who I am, without reservation. And I am also deeply lucky to have found this within myself too, no longer beating myself up and wishing I was different in this way or that way. Nope, I feel like I am finally able to start understanding what it means to accept what is. And it's not like I imagined at all. It's way better, in fact. =)

Dancing my way Whole

I have never been much on dancing. Sure, there have been times here and there when I have felt drawn to get all decked out and head to a club to dance - usually with all my favorite gay guys. These dance nights usually involved alcohol, and were filled with techno music about love and sex and the like. And while I have gone along with those dance nights, they have never felt comfortable to me. I never craved them. There was something raw and animal that was very alive in dancing in those environments, but the undercurrent of sexuality was always somewhat creepy to me. I never wanted to go dancing to check out men, and sure didn't want them checking me out too closely! As a larger woman, dancing has always made me feel like hiding in the corner. I mean, if dancing is part of the whole "meat market" of "hooking up" - as it has felt to me - then of what value am I, a larger woman, in a sea of skinny, "hot" chicks?

Well, I am endlessly grateful that I have been letting go of this kind of thinking over the last few years. Through Kundalini yoga, I began to release my fears about what would happen if someone saw my curves jiggling so much...and it has come in deeper and deeper to my way of life. As I have come to accept and love my body more, I don't feel so much like hiding. And tonight at the Dancing Lodge, that has been transcended more than ever before.

What a brilliant - if not new - possibility: that dancing could be a celebration of life in a much deeper way, of connecting to the Great Spirit that flows livingness through each of us! Tonight I *loved* dancing. Loved it. Completely. Uninhibited. Free.

If I am able to accept myself fully and completely, then I will be able to show up in my life without being afraid of how others will feel about me, how they might judge me, and *everything* is better. And if I am able to allow my body to be free to express itself without any fear of judgement, then I will inhabit every beautiful corner and curve and twist and turn and feeling that comes through this physical form, beautiful as it is.

Dancing solo. Dancing and moving, finding the ways that the body can move when given space for that expression. Patterns emerge, patterns are broken, moving and stillness flow one into the other, sometimes without warning. There is a kind of knowing that is within the body that is deeper than the mind. It is primal, instinctual, intuitive, it is its own rich expression of living. And to explore space - within and around me - was a beautiful adventure. The conscious choice to leave behind fear, to leave behind thinking, to just feel and move. Incredible.

Dancing in partnership. The beauty of being held and received as my body expressed my experience in this day. If my mind had had any opportunity to consider it, the answer would have been "fuck! I don't know how to do that!" And yet, given no opportunity to *not know* meant that the body had the chance to express itself before the mind could enter. What power there is in allowing dance and movement to tell this story. And moving into partnership, into trust with one person, then another, then another - oh, how many ways there are to dance with others in this world! Twirling one after another into the center of trust, letting life carry us forward with no fear, no question, only moving and connecting. I was deeply moved - in fact, I now feel like I know what trust actually means in a much richer way.

Dancing in community. Holding space. Aloneness and togetherness, dancing in rhythm. Oh, the joy of moving together, of savoring each person's sweet jewel of being. And to come together without the story, without history, without names, without reason, only to share in that togetherness. And even being alone is held sweetly within community. There is space there to be alone without being isolated - and that is a true gift. How many ways there are to dance, walk, sing, create, be in this world! To come together to embrace those different ways of showing up in all their beauty - oh, yes, this is the world I want to live in!

Dancing to the Great Spirit. Body as prayer. Motion as prayer. Breathing, sweating as prayer. Surrendering everything as prayer. This is holy, this is sacred, timeless, transcendent. And this is what I have been longing for deep in every cell in my body.

What if we could show up together, bringing all of our presence, and sitting aside the details of our lives, and embrace each other for no other reason than our shared humanness? What if that shared experience burned away the ordinary boundaries that keep us living in such separation? What if I could openly and freely express huge, powerful LOVE to a room full of beings without having any motive other than loving them, and loving myself? This is the world I want to live in.

Tonight I prayed with tobacco, asking that this heavy, tight, sharp heartache would be lifted. I prayed that this time of sorrow wouldn't shut me down further, protecting my heart from more pain from loving and letting go. I prayed that my heart would be stretched ever wider, so that I would be able to love even more, even deeper, so that I would gladly and willingly accept the pain that may come from loving so completely. I prayed that my heart would let go of this protection that has come through my nervous system, trying to keep me able to function in my body, in my world, in a time of such intense sorrow. I prayed that the fear that has been knocking at my door would be washed away in a flood of love and dancing that tonight's sweet Dancing Lodge Ceremony was sure to bring. And I showed up, fully ready to surrender everything to the fire of dancing.

I moved in more ways than I ever have before. I felt the sweet gift of bare feet on the floor, and sweat trickling down my back. I felt the joy of sisterhood, sweaty and swaying in a flow of connection. I felt the power of masculine energy, and the power of feminine energy, and the incredible appreciation we share for each other. I felt rose petals under my feet, dancing the joy of peace, and of living rich and fully alive. I danced the overwhelming sorrow of loss, and the blessing of a love that is so huge that this much pain could be possible. I danced in connection to all that I know, all that I love, all that is true and holy in this world.

And for the first time in almost two weeks, I felt really, really happy.

I prayed once more, after the ceremony had ended. I prayed that when my time to leave this sweet Earth comes, that I may be so completely centered in love and in the ways that I may serve this world through that love, that there is no room left for fear.

Moving Past Fear

Well, it was bound to happen sometime...I missed writing yesterday! I was lying in bed last night, and it hit me that I hadn't written here...and I took a deep breath and let it go. Today is another day, and here I am, showing up on the page again.

Yesterday the fog started to clear, and it has continued to clear throughout today. The fear-based thinking that has been pulling me down, down, down began to lift. But not willingly. It has taken some serious effort on my part, some serious desire to hoist the thick stuckness off of me, and to send it on its way again and again.

I had a conversation with my beloved neighbor Lynn yesterday morning. The night before, I had fallen into a panic-stricken terror while trying to fall asleep. I had seen Alan's light on and knocked on the door, and he kindly sat with me while I wept and shivered and was overcome by the experience. Lynn suggested that *this* wasn't grieving and mourning...that it was something else. Possibly something else that was trying to feed on my grieving and mourning. An attachment that was drawn to the dark, heavy, sorrowful energy I have been emitting. And that attachment energy/presence/being/whatever was triggering me to feeling more alone and afraid and paranoid in order to feed itself. Having had strange experiences with energies like this before, I decided to sit with her idea, and see what happened.

She was absolutely right on.

There was one heavy presence, thick and gooey like a jellyfish, that was draped over my head, making it impossible for me to connect to any feeling or thought of love and power. I knew that I loved things, was passionate about things, but couldn't remember what exactly...I was stuck! I also felt there were two other secondary presences that were benefitting from the brain-sucking of the first one...and using my fear to trigger pain and pressure in my body, making me more afraid and paranoid that something was wrong with me. Seeing this, shining light into the dark places, these "attachments" were caught in the act - busted! And things started to change instantly.

My mantra these last two days has been "get the FUCK OFF of me!" Sometimes it has been necessary to physically pull the energies off my body. Sometimes the intention and words and feeling behind them are enough. But I have found in this a path back to my power. My center. Even if I was suffering from some strange series of afflictions, is *this* the way I want to die? Shriveled in fear and paranoia? Absolutely not! And I have felt things really turn upward today. Little bubbles of something have started appearing in my belly, along with feelings of something like joy in my heart. They are small, and still lost in a sea of sadness and residual body responses to fear and trauma, but they are there. Like seedlings emerging in the spring.

At our last Wisdom Circle, someone asked a question, "what gets you out of bed in the morning?" My answer came quickly, spontaneously. I get out of bed in the morning in the same way that seedlings emerge in the spring, from cold, hard, desolate earth that appears barren. I awake in the morning with the call of the sun, the call of life. And now, in this time of letting go and healing from the death of my sweet little Familiar kitty, the same energy is emerging. The energy of uprising, of life living itself alive over and over and over again.

What has been coming as a gift in this time of sorrow, followed by this time of fear, is the experience of softness. Of feeling laid out onto the ground, sprawling, vulnerable, with no resistance left in me. And beyond the fear and paranoia about my own mortality, beyond my sorrow about the loss of my kitty, there is this other piece of me, raw and honest. In fact, as I sit with it right now, I find that the sorrow and the fear and paranoia are *re-actions* to things that have happened. But this deeper piece is not...this raw, honest part is maybe the simplest, purest voice that I have ever heard come from me. It isn't worried about how I look or sound, how I will be perceived, what anyone else in the world is doing or thinking. It merely shows up, vulnerable and simple, honest for lack of energy to be anything else. And this voice feels so authentic. It almost feels like the other responses are happening in the snowglobe of my life - shaken up completely - but this other voice is the one that emerges after the snow settles down - in the empty space. Mmm. Yes.

A little more than a week before Familiar kitty passed, I had come to discover this new authenticity appearing in my life, and a total shift away from the fears that I had carried so long regarding how I am perceived by others. I am grateful to have taken the time to acknowledge that and to be present with it in my writing. And now, I see how that came at the perfect time. I have been learning to be authentic in a whole new way in this process of grief and panic and letting go. I am in various degrees of falling apart and coming back together every day right now! And there is no part of me that is trying to hide, to push people away, to pretend everything is fine, life as usual. Life is *not* as usual. And I am living authentically, riding that wave as it comes, accepting everything, trying to stay present. One breath at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.

Gratitude to my Plant Teachers

I can hardly believe how chilly these mornings are becoming! I am sitting here on my porch, wrapped in a blanket as I write. Puffy white clouds are floating by, and there are four graceful birds soaring on the highest wind currents. Turkey vultures. Such wicked, gnarly looking creatures! And yet, as they fly far above, they seem to be one of the few species of birds that are floating for pleasure, riding the waves of the wind without hurry or imminent purpose. Of course, they are scouting for dinner, but with what abandon and ease!

The sun is bolder today, and I am yearning to feel it on my body...not much sun on the porch until mid-afternoon, unfortunately. The pink cones on the Magnolia are looking fuzzy, and turning a duller shade of pinkish-brown...oh, how this evolution thrills me, day after day, to watch the world changing in front of my very eyes! It's so easy to believe that things are the same, day after day...but when major change comes, it feels epic, catastrophic, or completely unheralded. But sitting here on my little spot on the porch, I am grateful to watch the world around me changing every day, little by little.

And as I contemplate the neverending flow of change, I, too, am remembering the space of Mushroom Medicine. It, like the other plant medicines I have worked with, takes me into a space of timelessness. When the intensity of the Mushrooms comes into me, I am tuned into a sound that I call, "the sound of eternity," a symphony of perfectly orchestrated birdsong, rushing water, and wind in the trees. This sound calls to me to leave behind the time-bound world that I inhabit in my normal waking life, and to sink deeply into the space of eternity...a place where change occurs on the microcosmic level, but where the constant is livingness, aliveness that persists beyond any brokenness, decay, or semblance of death. Aliveness that, too, transcends the apparent differences of trees and animals and rocks and earth and being human.

In my last ceremony with this medicine, nearly three months ago, I faced this truth - that Life - God - Universe - is indifferent to my little life and place in the cosmos. And it came to me in a vision that showed me the world as a two-dimensional grid of existence that was NOT beautiful or connected or alive at all. This, followed by an intense encounter with Death, sent me into a time of existential crisis. Everything that I felt connected to became distant. My spiritual path made no sense. I was filled with fear and meaninglessness, and felt lost, completely lost. Now, looking back on that encounter, I am grateful beyond words.

I grew up in the South, in the Bible Belt, in a culture that was infused with fear-based views of God and Jesus, and a lot of unquestioned attachment to the mythology that accompanies that way of life. I never felt comfortable within those circles of religion, but knew no alternative. As soon as I moved away to college -
Baltimore - I met people who held different views on life, on what was holy, on the nature of reality. What a blessing it was! I walked away from the Christianity of my childhood without thinking twice, and was grateful to shed such a limiting view of the world. Leaping forward to the ceremony above, what I have come to understand is that while I walked away from the religion and culture of my childhood, and changed my mind about so many fearful, dogmatic beliefs, those things still existed within my body. My entire way of being for the first 18 years of my life had not only created my mind, but had become part of the very structure of my body, too. And up until this past summer, I had only walked away from beliefs and feelings that didn't fit. I had never gone deeply into the way these old ideas lived on inside of my very cells.

In that Mushroom ceremony, I was shaken and unravelled beyond anything I had previously experienced. I now see that the worldview of my childhood was being shaken and unravelled out of my body. My cosmology was being brought into deep alignment. And all those old beliefs - that God exists outside of me, the nature of life and death, the meaning of prayer, and my connection to the divine - were being vigorously uprooted. What a blessing, but what a difficult process! And now, as I sit here on my porch, I am not unconsciously ruled by those old beliefs that color my experience.

I am endlessly grateful for the powerful plant teachers that have changed my life. I don't think anyone ever suggested that living a deep path of spiritual awakening could be like this! A process of meeting God by truly meeting myself. Of letting go of beliefs instead of adopting new ones. Of embracing my true nature instead of breaking that nature into something more manageable, less sinful, or whatever. Of relaxing into myself, of resisting nothing, of allowing my heart to lead me. Of being who I am, instead of creating a better version of myself. Of abandoning any path of seeking outside of myself, and allowing the revelations to come from within, and trusting that with all of my heart. No, no one ever told me that if I wanted to meet God, that I would find that presence within every cell in my body, and within every living thing upon the Earth. And truly, no one ever told me that knowing these things would bring me more humility and compassion than anything I could imagine those words to mean.

In the Flow

It is a beautiful, quiet morning. I am enjoying another morning on my porch, connecting with the world around me. The sky is pretty overcast, but patches of bright blue are promising their clarity in the afternoon. There is a sweet coolness that speaks of fall, and a few more leaves are scattering on the ground. Yesterday it rained pretty solidly through the afternoon and evening, and it was delightful! And now, after the rain, the Magnolia's cones are more rosy, ripening like fruit. Beautiful! The sun just burst through the clouds, and the world is awash in brightness.

I am appreciating just how much this blog is helping me to connect to myself. Just one week ago today, I was hosting a brunch in my house, enjoying the laughter and company of some really great friends...hoping to create more community in my life. Now, after less than a week of blogging, I am finding things shifting and moving more already, and in a direction that is meaningful and fulfilling. What a blessing!

I have been looking for ways to live more green in my daily life for a little more than a year. I attended a workshop at the Well in May 2008 that was super inspiring, providing many ideas of how to live greener everyday. I began composting right away, and eventually made myself a compost bin out of a Rubbermaid trashcan. Ever since, I have been saving my organic waste, and composting it...turning my food scraps in to food for the gardens! I also made a commitment to myself not to buy any more conventional cleansers that contain so many toxic ingredients. It all just ends up in the water, and I don't want to drink that! So, the wonders of essential oils, white vinegar, and natural cleaners have made my house less toxic. The one thing I was really hoping for, too, was a clothesline. I talked to my landlord about it, about how much energy it can save. He wouldn't hear of it. There's just been too much of a stigma created around laundry lines and "white trash"... I don't get it myself! So, since last fall, I have been yearning for a way of doing this without directly going against my landlord's wishes. Yesterday it hit me!

When I was in college I had a collapsible drying rack for hand washing. It wasn't very sturdy, and I didn't use it much. Eventually it fell apart, and I tossed it. But yesterday, it hit me that THAT is exactly how I could have a laundry line. So, I went to Target, found one that was good and sturdy, and came home to hang out my first wash. Now, this certainly isn't an answer for days when I might be in a hurry for some particular clothes. And it's not ideal for drying heavy towels and bed linens. Right now, almost 24 hours later, my clothes are still not dry, due to the rain. But in the name of living green and in voluntary simplicity, I've made my choice! Funny how such a small, silly thing can make a person feel so empowered. Haha!!

Last night, I drove to Virginia for my friend J.J.'s birthday gathering. After my epiphany yesterday in my writing, I was rather curious how I would be at a party of people I didn't know. Usually, this has not been my kind of scene...I have felt like a wallflower, watching people, and trying not to be seen. But last night, I had a great time! I ended up seeing several people I had previously met through Nonviolent Communication workshops, and enjoyed those conversations so much. I met several new people too, which was lovely. This whole evening has shown me some real truth about what I was writing about yesterday. Having let go of so much self-consciousness, I can truly show up as I am! And in doing that, I am much freer to just listen to whoever I meet, open to receive what they have to offer the conversation. And what a relief, not to be constantly worried about whether or not they like me, or are judging me for my ideas, or my appearance. What liberation!! Does this truly mark the end of my lifetime of social anxiety, of fear of judgment? When I consider that as a real possibility, everything in me relaxes, and it's the kind of relaxation that goes right to the core of my being.

After a lifetime of feeling that I shouldn't be who I am, that I need to somehow be some other version of myself, and that I will never be accepted the way I really am, I became aware of the feeling in myself that I couldn't relax. Ever. Not really. I remember writing about this in the summer, before I went to Peru. And the miracle of it, seeing how this has shifted within me, without me really even realizing it! I am so grateful for this. The changes that I saw in my life last year after coming home from Peru were so wonderful, I couldn't even believe it. But now, as I am finding the gifts of my work there this time...I am humbled and truly in awe of this Medicine and the deep healing that I have experienced. I just have no words...this is a blessing beyond any I could have ever imagined.

My Theory of Isolation

Yesterday I had a startling realization. I have been a devoted loner for much of my life. I have valued my alone time, and have guarded it pretty fiercely for much of my life. I have spent many a weekend night alone in my house with my cats, wearing my pajamas, relishing the treat of it! Ah, to have no commitments, to have no plans, oh the glory of a night alone at home, relaxing, doing only what I want!

When I was in college, I would regularly be visited by moments of panic while out with friends. Not that there was any uncomfortable situation that would arise, I would be hanging out at a bar or cafe with my nearest and dearest friends, and out of nowhere, I would have the urge to flee. And a good deal of the time, I would! I would bolt with little explanation. Social anxiety? Too much sensory stimulation? Self-esteem issues? All of these were possibilities in my reasoning, but I could never see clearly enough in the moment. I would just give some cursory reason, and bolt.

And yesterday, I had a startling realization, indeed: I am no longer a loner! Here I am, writing daily, talking daily of my deep yearning for community! I *want* to be with other people! What the hell happened to my intense need for solitude? When did this all change? What a surprise!

Right now, I honestly can't recall the feeling inside of myself that used to pull me into spending so much time alone, resisting spending time in the company of my other humans. What I am realizing is beautiful and totally new. The more comfortable I become in my own skin, the more I love and accept myself fully, unconditionally, the less I need to isolate myself to recharge. The less I need to be alone to be who I am. This is amazing!

Could it be that all these years, the reason I was spending so much time alone is that I couldn't be myself around other people? That I was so busy being who I imagined they would want me to be, that I was too busy figuring that out to enjoy myself, and that I would inevitably need a lot of alone time to make up for all that time play-acting? God!! I never really considered myself a phony, pretending to be someone else, maintaining a facade. But maybe I was. I definitely see the ways that I have held back pieces of myself, believing that they were too much to share with the world, that I was too much. And what a drain! To restrain myself from being who I am whenever I am in the company of other human beings!

Now I'm beginning to see the real fruit of my labors in ceremony this summer in Peru. How to truly accept and love myself...not just words, but the real thing. How to live in harmony with my nature as a human being, as a woman, as a spiritual being. Not, as I have so often done in the past, trying to create the version of Angela that is the most perfect, presentable, evolved...whatever. Can I love and accept exactly who I am, no resistance, no hesitation, no compromise, no matter what? Hell, yes! And this, it seems now, is the very secret to living in harmony with my fellow human beings as well. Or at least the *desire* to live in harmony with them.

How many of us "introverts" and "loners" and "sensitive empaths" are merely people like me, who on some unconscious or subconscious level are not able to just be exactly who we are without any pretense, effort, or fear of rejection? I can't speak for anyone but myself. But what I find now is that the things that used to drive me to flee just don't have the same power.