The Heart of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving week is here. And I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I am going to enjoy spending time each day devoting my attention to all the blessings my life has generously given me. Most recently, I am grateful to be alive and well in this body that I call my home. After my accident, I am feeling a renewed sense of gratitude for my life. Especially since during the previous week I spent a lot of time saying "fuck it all" and "what is the point of this life anyway?" I wonder if I had given more energy to that kind of thinking whether my accident would have turned out any differently... What I do know is that life gives us all opportunities to check out or to decide to stay around. And I am feeling pretty clear right now that I am exactly where I need to be. This life has a lot more to offer me, and I have a lot more to offer it.

I have a bright red rental car right now, and was able to go to the body shop and empty my car of so much crap. I was told that they should have an opportunity to check out my car tomorrow and hopefully determine the cost of repairs, and whether or not my insurance company will pay for those repairs or total the car. Either way, it is pretty much empty now. I took away bag after bag of stuff: two large plastic garbage bags filled with glass and plastic recycling, a bag of clothes and shoes, another bag of papers and binders, and several more bags of random stuff. I even found an umbrella! I didn't know I even owned one...

I am also grateful that I could go grocery shopping tonight. I pulled out a cookbook from a Buddhist monastery, and found a couple of heavenly sounding recipes. One was for quinoa lentil mushroom loaf, and the other was for sweet potato burritos. Unfortunately, I ended up needing a lot of ingredients, and headed out to Trader Joe's and My Organic Market. By the time I got home, it was nearly 8pm, and my steam for cooking up a feast had withered. So, tomorrow night I will have good things to create, and that sounds wonderful!

One of the things that I get frustrated with this time of year, though, is the whole speedy convenience living of it all. Trader Joe's was filled with tables and shelves of ready-made foods that would be luxurious and tasty for the holiday. And there were tons of folks flocking around them, picking their treasures. It makes me sad, though, that people are no longer willing to devote some good time to preparing this feast of gratitude. It has become, largely, just one more obligatory holiday where so many people just go through the motions and create the feast without any connection to the meaning of it all. Now, sure, much of the meaning could be found within a bunch of white religious zealots who sailed their ships to the New World and began spreading plagues and dominating the intricate balance the indigenous people held within the natural world. But somewhere deeper, I find this holiday a time of celebrating the harvest, the bounty that Mother Earth has given us yet again. Celebrating the beauty of togetherness, and creating food in community. Of celebrating gratitude for all that we receive. And there is something that makes my skin crawl about the whole way people buy the ready-made pie without knowing who made it, and without knowing where it came from, and without caring a bit about those things. One more way that Americans want what they want, cheap and convenient and easy, without needing to contribute much of themselves to it, other than money. *shiver*

And with these things in mind, I am feeling super-inspired to cook. I am feeling grateful for having a lot of time this week. I am also feeling grateful for the slowness I have been inviting into my life since I began this blog, contemplating voluntary simplicity. To me, cooking a feast to share with my beloveds is the very essence of what makes life worth living. And *that* is something that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving.

Gratitude

For the moment, the only place in the house with a reliable internet connection is on the floor at the top of the stairs. This is going to likely limit my blogging for tonight...it's cold, and my body isn't terribly comfortable in any position right now.

One small rant is necessary now. I am absolutely done expending energy on people who can't show up. I am a person of integrity. When I say I'll show up, I will be there. If I have issues making that happen, I will communicate it. And I have little tolerance for people who don't respect my time. Is it so hard, really, to make plans and stay with them, or just NOT make the plans in the first place? People who are consistently late really get under my skin...and people who are consistently significantly late lose me entirely. I simply will not bother to maintain any kind of relationship with people who live that way. I am committed to showing up in my life: on time, authentic, honest, fully present to the best of my ability. And I really do ask that in return. When that need isn't honored - the need for consistency, respect, trust - I need to take care of myself and walk away. Just sayin'...

Life feels strange right now. With the car accident making me less than mobile, I have a very free week ahead of me. My students on Monday and Wednesday have cancelled for Thanksgiving, and I cancelled my DC work on Monday, since I couldn't get a rental car in time. I have very little in the way of committments this week, other than Thanksgiving itself. I also cancelled going to work in the student massage clinic on Tuesday night. My body is still in far too much discomfort to manage that. So, I will enjoy this gift of time and space that this accident has provided me, and wait until the insurance company has given me the word on my car. Maybe I'll be spending some time this week car shopping...

For now, I am happy to be alive and well, reading Harry Potter, and enjoying these days in ease. My body does ache, and my right breast is purple from bruising from the seatbelt, but I am in one piece with no significant damage. That's plenty to be grateful for, indeed.

Microwaves and Convenience

Another blessed, quiet, beautiful morning on my porch. Cool wind blowing the trees, overcast sky with windows of pure blue. Kitty on the rug staring me down, begging for my breakfast. And it's truly a cat's delight...oatmeal with flax and dried cranberries...haha! There is some noise off in the distance that is probably some kind of road construction team. When I first heard it, still in my dreamy morning mind, I imagined that it was a drum circle really rocking out! Oh, the joy that would bring, to wake up to that kind of "noise" on any given day! But, too, there are other sounds that draw me in more deeply than the road construction noises far away. Crickets are singing their songs, and a couple of crows are calling out to each other. Could they still be chasing that hawk, like they were on Sunday? These are the timeless sounds that lure me out of my mind, and into my heart...into the whole wide world, of which I am an inseparable part.

Yesterday I had another crunchy time. It was mid-afternoon. I had enjoyed a luxurious morning, and had finally gotten myself together to leave the house. I needed to take care of a few errands, stop by my friends' house to take care of some housesitting chores, and have some lunch before I made my way to class. Unfortunately I didn't allow myself enough time to take care of all of it. I left my friends' house with ten minutes to spare, hoping to stop by David's Natural Market to get some lunch. Okay, it was nearly 430pm, that's not exactly "lunch" as we define it in this culture. But it was the time when I needed to eat something, and I was hoping to find something good there. Well, I did. The kitchen closed at 4pm, and I found some prepared foods in a case nearby. I went to the "cafe" area of David's in search of a microwave. Nothing. I looked around, curious. Nothing. Finally, I found an employee, and asked her where I could heat up the food. She wasn't sure, and asked an older man, who was sitting at a desk in the front. He gruffly informed me that there was no microwave. Now, in the open kitchen, I had walked by one! I said as much, and asked if someone could just heat up the food for me. Once more, gruffly, he said "we're not supposed to do that. The kitchen is closed and that is that." I was stunned. There was a microwave right there, in a food-prep section. But because of some arbitrary "rules" he was flat-out refusing to render my beans and rice dish edible. Not that it was busy, I was the only customer in sight. Just out of beaurocratic rules...or perhaps he might cite a "health code violation" if I pushed him further. Stunned, I dropped the food on the conveyor belt by the register, and informed them they'd lost this customer.

There are so many pieces of this that are fucked up! That a food market that prepares food and sells that very food would refuse to heat that food for a customer - this is insanity! That "we're not supposed to" is used as an excuse - this is pathetic at best. That some arbitrary bullshit rules actually have some degree of weight in peoples' lives - as opposed to stepping up with some degree of personal responsibility and making the decision that is kind, humane, logical. And stepping beyond this isolated incident - that this is the SECOND time in around a week that I have been given the same answer!! My mind is effectively blown.

But what I'm also hearing beyond this is important to acknowledge too. I have been on the fence about having a microwave for a while now. It sure is fast and convenient when it comes down to eating or not eating at the last minute. I've had friends who absolutely refuse to own a microwave because of the fact that it's using radiation to heat food...and that it destroys the quality of the food. And now, twice in a week, I have been refused access to a microwave in public to heat my food. Irritating, yes. But is it also pointing me to a deeper need?

I have let go of convenience in many parts of my life. I cook for myself much of the time, instead of going out to eat. I take my own bags to the supermarket. I opt for products with no packaging whenever I can, and then factor into my purchases the environmental impact of whatever packaging there is. I almost never buy processed foods in the market, and when I do, I only buy organic. I try to be as economical as possible about driving, and include as many stops as possible in a small area, so to not waste gas driving all over the place. I have been composting my organic waste for more than a year, and will hopefully have something to contribute to the health of the garden once Spring returns. I enjoy making choices that are better for the environment, and also in alignment with my own desire to slow down and enjoy life more. I don't buy cookie dough at the store - I bake my own from scratch, and wow, they are so much better! Has the day come for me to let go of this next "convenience" - to get rid of the microwave?

Once again, I am brought back to the very thing that made me decide to start this blog in the first place - contemplating my life, and the changes that I may need to make in order to live more simply, and also to nurture myself in ways that are missing. Do I really need a microwave? I don't often buy frozen food, and have found a variety of ways to heat leftovers - in pots, in the oven, in the toaster oven, in my steamer. Hmmm...this sounds just about right. Maybe it's time to put the microwave in my basement, right next to the TV. ;)

Fortunately, on my way to class, I did decide to stop and find some food. I stopped in another small health food store - Good Life Market in Severna Park. They always have several crocks of homemade soups, hot and organic, and vegetarian, and ready to go. The owners are Indian, and so very nice. They asked which soup I chose, and told me that the Curried Cauliflower Chickpea is one of their favorites, very satisfying as a whole meal. I left, dinner in hand, feeling like my faith in humanity had been restored. This is a business that I am grateful to support. And the soup, as always, was amazing.

Learning, one day at a time

Monday morning...somehow I didn't end up sitting on the porch, writing and eating breakfast. Not sure why, but morning became noon, and it was almost 1pm when I first found some food. Whole wheat toast with butter. Good bread, but eaten in the car on my way to do some shopping. The week did not get off to a good start...

This is actually how most days go when I'm not being conscious about how I'm living and spending my time. Emails, chores, laundry, dealing with one thing and another, and then, WHAM! I'm cranky because I'm not taking care of myself in a way that feels good and nurturing. Fortunately, the sun did not set on the day before I found some time to honor myself and my needs. I am now sitting on the porch, enjoying the waning golden sunlight. There was some rain this afternoon, and now a bit of mist is lingering in the air, and everything is humid and shiny green. The clouds are sailing by, all shining with late afternoon light. And here I am, writing again.

When I don't take the time to tend to my needs, first and foremost, then my whole day suffers. My attitude suffers. I'm impatient and moody. I'm in a hurry, and don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't have much tolerance for other people, and tend to make a mess with the things I am doing. I am grateful to have experienced this day, to cultivate my inner observer, to experience the contrast between several days of treating myself well, followed by a day of not taking care of myself in the ways that I would prefer.

And now, I've finished teaching for the day. I've made myself some veggies for dinner, including carrots that were grown in my neighbor's garden. Oh, they are so good! Yum!! And here I am, connecting with the world around me, and connecting inside myself. Listening within and without, and loving the space where these things meet.

Eating well and finding time to sit and connect with myself, and with the Earth, are essential to my well being. Community, too, is essential to my well being. Another need that I am feeling in my body but not meeting on a regular basis right now is walking. Walking in the woods, walking on trails, walking to get exercise, as well as for my own joy. Last night as I was falling asleep, I envisioned myself getting up today and taking a walk along the Trolley Trail, and ending up at the coffee shop. Or even better, of walking the trail in the woods by my house...which I haven't walked on even once since I have been home from Peru. In Peru, I was walking at least a mile or two a day, every day, out of necessity! And I love that. My body loves it. My heart and mind love it. But here, driving driving driving...

Is it possible that I could make the commitment to walk every day? I did that once before. Well, actually, twice before. Once was the Camino. The other was something more simple, here at home. I was having a hard time in the relationship that I was in, and decided to commit to walking at least a mile every day for 40 days. And it was a beautiful gift to myself, to give myself that time each day, to listen to music, to let my mind consider the possibilities, to enjoy the natural world around me. Am I ready to commit to that kind of process again? One part of me offers a resounding yes. Yet another part of me just doesn't want to create a checklist of "to do" things for my life every day. I have always been good at making demands of myself and meeting those demands without hesitation. But the kind of aggressiveness that tends to grow within me as I force myself into that kind of decision isn't something that I want to cultivate. So, for now, I will simply sit with the desire to walk, and see what arises in my life.

I feel something bigger moving in my depths. Something connected to the meaning of my life, and the desire to find deeper meaning. It's not quite ready to surface now, but it is stirring, stirring. I merely want to acknowledge its presence for now. It seems connected to a deep sense of dissatisfaction with daily life, which is all too familiar. Hmm...

Creating the Day

This morning, I awoke and began my day as I begin most days: up, bathroom, internet. Usually, I find myself greeting the world for a new day online before I make it out into the world around me. This has been true for a long time, and it has also felt not-quite-right for a long time too. What would the day feel like if I didn't make this desk and this computer my first greeting to the world?

I remember someone talking about consciously creating the day from the film, "What the Bleep do We Know?" It always sounded like a good thing, but I must admit, I've never really given it a chance. Sure, there are some days that are so very full that I have no option but to follow through with the plans that I have made. But other days, days like today, I wake up and have no particular plan for many hours...these are the days that could use some consciously creating. Otherwise, I may just spend the first hour of my new day checking emails and seeing what's up on facebook...

I feel like one of the reasons I've NOT chosen to begin my day with intention is out of resistance. Not to the idea, in particular, but to the thought of having to make a commitment to what my day will hold. There are so many days when things are asked of me, time commitments, engagements, the need to get certain things accomplished. And so often, on days that have few commitments, I just want to leave it open, to let it all be as it will be. And I hear a need for freedom beneath that desire. And yet, I don't often find more freedom. I often find myself in my house, online. This is not contributing to my joy, for the most part...it is merely a habit. One that is coming up for consideration at this moment.

So, instead of getting up and greeting my day in a way that nurtures me, and helps to cultivate the way I want to live, I get up and go to the computer. I often delay breakfast in order to take care of the things that must be attended online. Sometimes breakfast becomes lunch, and sometimes I end up being so rushed that I don't have time to eat anything really good at all. All because I didn't consciously choose to go and have a bowl of fruit or something. (Fortunately, even taking the time to write this has made me more aware! I have just prepared myself a bowl of fruit.) But, I usually have fruit, and if enough days pass when I'm not consciously choosing to eat that fruit, it spoils! Double waste. Wasting my time, not taking care of myself, and wasting the fruit, and the money I spent to purchase it... This is definitely NOT the way I want to live.

There are so many ways that I could spend the first hour of my day, practices that do nourish me...and it's been a long time since I really engaged in any of them on a regular basis. I used to do "morning pages" writing, a practice of journalling from "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I also used to practice yoga at home. At one point, I was beginning each day with meditation...and the weather is still nice, so I could be doing this on my porch. And then, there's taking a walk... This is the point where I often hit overwhelm...so many options, which one will I decide...I end up deciding on none of them consciously, and ending up right here in front of the computer once more.

When I'm in Peru, I go to the internet cafe in order to get online. There is virtually no personal internet service there, and for S/2 an hour, I am able to go and either plug in my own computer, or just use one of theirs. This makes using the internet a special daily event. And my usual usage was about 30 minutes. What a treat, to see who has been in touch, or to take care of things that need attending. But because of the way things are there, I don't have the option to get online throughout the day every day...maybe this is a real gift. My time is free for other things.

I am feeling that part of a solution would be to simply choose ONE of the above nourishing things to begin each day. Some days it will surely be clear. Other days, maybe I can just randomly choose one. I think it probably doesn't matter so much which way I choose to begin the day, only that I consciously choose something that is in alignment with the way that I want to live. I may not be able to choose every thing that must occur in every day. But I can choose something. I just need to consciously choose it.

And if I begin to consciously choose to begin my day with something that nurtures me, I will be much more likely to keep choosing those kinds of things when I have the options later in the day. There is so much frazzledness around me...people always in a hurry, never having the time to take care of themselves, never having time for things that they would enjoy...only doing what they have to do. And while my life tends to be much more chill than that most of the time, if I am not consciously creating another way, I will get caught up in the ambient madness of a culture in a hurry.

What I am feeling beneath this idea is a real sense of peace, the little voice inside of me says, "oh, really, could we do this??" This way of living is a small change, but it is a change made in the name of self-care, of self-love. I have a collage on my wall right not that has a quote: "Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong." Yes, it sure will.

I have been feeling caught up in a culture that makes no sense to me. And I have been feeling a resistance to it all. But I am beyond aware of the idea, "what you resist persists." I haven't been able to see an alternative to it, other than allowing it to swallow me whole, which makes me want to run away as fast as possible! But in this moment, I am seeing the seed of another option: don't worry about the rest of the world, just take care of yourself in the way that feels the most nourishing and joyful. If I choose to follow my own needs, the culture won't necessarily create so many problems in my daily life, not directly... It's worth a try, for sure. Otherwise, I will continue to feel unhappy, and complain, and still not be living any closer to the way that feels right.