Continuity and Change

Today has been a good day so far! I'm currently sitting at City Cafe in Baltimore, one of my longtime coffee shop haunts. I just had a haircut with Kenny, who has been pretty much exclusively cutting my hair since I was 19. That's 14 years! His work is wonderful, hands down. And as we were saying our goodbyes, I felt moved to offer him gratitude for his being one of the constants in my life when there has been so much change.

I remember sometime last year Ali saying to me how nice it was to have history with each other. At the time, it hadn't really ever crossed my mind, but her words resonated strongly within me. It *is* really nice to have history with people! Especially given that there is so much change in life...especially in my own life lately. With the truth of things being that change is the only thing that doesn't change, it feels overwhelming to me that anything can be gone without any notice. But when things do show up over and over again over so many years, there is something deep and sweet that grows. A sense of belonging. A sense of connectedness. And I love that.

There were years and years when it seemed that in spite of my best intentions to have peaceful, dependable relationships with people, there was always some kind of conflict erupting. It seemed like every year someone major in my life would either move away or there would be a conflict between us, and the friendship would come to an end. Add to that a few major breakups and the pain that followed. For years, it seemed like there was a revolving door on my life, and nothing would settle. The truth was more that I wouldn't settle. And I wanted friendships on my terms. Sometimes those terms were entirely agreeable. Those people have been around for the long haul. But sometimes those terms were not part of the agreement, and I just couldn't understand what was wrong. I get it now...

I am super grateful for the ways that Madre Ayahuasca has shown me these things, and asked me to clean up my life. No more loose ends, no more unresolved conflicts...even when there is no fixing, it seems that now there is no inner conflict that allows things to linger on and on. I am grateful that I have been asked to go within myself and see my own patterns, my own bullshit, and to see the truth. And I am willing to continue this work for as long as I live.

I now see that the revolving door of friends and loves was just a part of my spiritual practice starting to take root. I can love anyone. I can talk to anyone. But those people who I will form the most powerful and intimate relationships with need to resonate with my path. What a blessing, now my life feels so full of exactly that. I have a TRIBE of souls all over the world who resonate with this path. And even better, I have a TRIBE of souls right here at home who also resonate with this path, and who seem to want to share that in our daily lives. It's still not as much as I'd prefer, but I'm working on it. =)

What's been so hard for me lately is knowing the truth of change. Of feeling just how easily my reality in this world can be ripped apart, and there is no going back to the way it was. There is no normal. There is only what is right now. And god, that hurts so much. I have been feeling lately like there is no point to even trying to love life with death haunting me as it has. But in this moment of clarity, I am understanding that the truth of change is even MORE of a reason to love more deeply, commit more thoroughly, and to be exactly who I am in the midst of all of that. Life goes by so fast. Maybe if I wasn't on the spiritual path that I'm on, it would be possible to sink into the shallow waters of living in illusion, chasing material pleasures, and fulfilling all the statuses that are available to fulfill. But I KNOW in my bones that none of that matters. There's no un-learning what I have learned. And now, I see even clearer than before that nothing lasts. Nothing. Not my surroundings, not the people and animals in my life, nothing stays the same. Even my own body changes every day, and will one day no longer exist.

I know that I am not at the bottom of this well yet. I know there is deeper to sink into this truth. I am willing to go there, with all the darkness that accompanies it. But I also am committed to knowing what life *is* beyond intellect and philosophy. I want to sink all the way into this murk of not understanding the point! I want to make myself available for death to reveal to me what the point of life is. I already feel it being revealed in my body, but just ever so slightly. I don't want to push it, just so that I can feel happy again. It will take as long as it takes. I am willing to wait in order to really know more fully.

It's tricky...there are people who want to fill in the blanks for me, for sure... People always want to share their knowing and their wisdom and their philosophy. And there are times for sharing those things, absolutely! But right now, I know that I am ripe for the Universe revealing these answers to me directly.

Communion, Mother Earth, and my Fellow Humans

Yesterday's blog really allowed me to hear some needs within myself that were not being met, and I was able to listen to those needs and begin to meet some of them. I spent time on the porch having breakfast with the kitty, and sipping a cup of tea. A much better way to begin the day! And what I noticed during the rest of the day is that no matter what things I "had" to do, I was coming from a place of deeper satisfaction within myself. Being stuck in slow traffic on the way to school wasn't as much of a pain as it might have been otherwise. By beginning my day by honoring my needs, my whole perspective shifted.

So, this morning, I am writing this from the cushions on my porch. There is a slight chill in the air, even though it is almost noon. A few stray leaves are turning yellow on the trees in front of my house. The cones on the Magnolia are still pink and fuzzy, and I am really looking forward to watching them become...well, the thing I found on the streets of DC last winter! I still remember the day, I was walking to a meeting for the Choral Arts teaching artists, and there on the sidewalk was this incredible, bizarre looking "pinecone." I picked it up and carried it with me to the meeting, hoping to find someone who could recognize it. Someone told me it was from a Magnolia, and before that point I'd never really been interested in or aware of those trees.

This season, Magnolia has become one of my beloved friends. Her shiny leaves seem out of place within the realm of foliage that lives in this area...they seem misplaced from the Amazon. And yet here she is! I have peripherally noticed the blooms on the tree in my yard for years, but never really made a connection with them. All I could see were giant white blooms that looked like a wad of crumpled paper. What a tragedy that I never looked closer!! This year, the Magnolia bloomed more than ever before! The blooms were huge and creamy white, with thick, soft petals...which turn brown and leathery when they wither and fall to the ground. The center of the blossom is otherworldly, very sturdy and intricate...these become the cones. But the fragrance, oh!! She leaves me utterly spellbound. One day this past summer, I was laying on the ground beneath her, and periodically, a river of fragrance would sweep by...it was just magnificent!

Taking the time to see, to connect with the world around me, both human and plant and animal and wind and water and earth and sky...this is the richness of life, for me. Remembering "all my relations," as the Native Americans say. And when I do find the time and space to live within this perspective, I feel a deep sense of belonging. A belonging that transcends our constructed human ideas of what it means to belong. The "Garden of Eden" is still right here!! But I have to show up to live within it, to choose it consciously. What I long for, more than ever, is to share this kind of connection with my fellow human beings. Not just occasionally, when the season changes and someone hosts a party, but on a daily basis. Living in connection with "all my relations" in each day. What a beautiful thing it could be, to take the time to sit and be with the Earth, to be with the day/night, to be with the weather...and to be with other humans, too, while doing this! Much of the time...most of the time...I do this alone.

Once more, I am feeling the pull of simplicity. I feel how it is when I'm so busy, doing doing doing doing so much, and how I long for the luxury of porch sitting and watching the wind in the trees. And I feel how difficult it can be to step out of the raging flow of activity and try to claim a few moments of silence and peace. Guilt sometimes emerges, and stressful to get "behind." Sometimes this extends beyond the luxury of porch sitting into basic self-care. I don't have the time to provide myself good, nourishing food...cooking takes so long on those days, and there is no joy in it. Sleep is not usually a problem for me, but when life is super-hectic, I find that I need to sleep for 9 hours or more in order to restore myself from the intensity of living in such a busy way. And I end up feeling angry and stuck and frustrated all the time, I have no patience, and I really have no feeling of love for myself or for the world. On days like these, I have often felt like driving my car off the road and just abandoning it. Walking away. I am pretty sure I am not the only one...

What a blessing this week has been. I have had very little going on. Students calling out sick, and I, too, was feeling a bit run down early in the week. I have had lots of sleep, and have had the dear, sweet time to begin this blog and connect to my deeper needs and desires.

I had dinner with my friend Liz the other night. Indian food. And one of the things that I have come to appreciate about her is that our conversations are never trivial or shallow. I can be real and open with her, and I can cry, and I can be frustrated, and I can be joyful. I can show up exactly as I am, and that's perfect. What a gift, indeed! While I was waiting for her, I was realizing that I hadn't felt connected to my heart in days...I felt empty and scattered, and there wasn't much joy within me. By the time I left, I felt completely connected to my heart, open and honest and true. I am so grateful for this friendship, it is deeply nourishing, true sisterhood and soul food.

I am yearning deeply for this quality of connection in my life. But what I realize is that I don't experience it very often. I don't know a lot of people who are willing and able to go there with me. I feel like much of the time, when I let myself go there in conversation, people don't know how to receive it. Some get uncomfortable ...these conversations end up not lasting very long. Some people just try to distract from the depth, lighten it up, change the subject. Some people don't know how to be in this kind of connection at all, having never felt fully free to show up exactly as they are. Some people talk endlessly, always talking about something or other, never allowing the conversation any space to breathe or settle. And then, there's the advice givers...

I am fully able to admit and see that I have been an advice giver for much of my life. I am a "helper." I hate to see people stuck or unhappy, and I have little tolerance for people who complain constantly about this or that. For some people, life is always full of drama and problems, and I have had a very hard time sitting idly and watching people live in misery day after day, unwilling or unable to change that situation. It is always easier to see solutions to *someone else's* problems! But I am finding that unsolicited advice is rarely welcome. It often comes with the best of intentions, for sure. But it also comes with a lot of assumptions. Twice this week, in fact, I received unsoliticited advice from two different friends, both of whom are "helpers" and dear, sweet beings...and both times, I could feel an edge of something hard to describe...

My community has formed a "wisdom circle." And once a month for the last six months, we have met to have deep, heartfelt conversations. One of the "rules" of our meetings is that there is absolutely no advice giving in response to what a person offers. There is also another "rule" that states each person must only speak using "I/me/my" instead of the easy slip into "you" or "we," which also carry tremendous assumptions. So deeply entrenched is the tendency to offer advice, to help others clarify their situation, or to make them feel better. And what I've noticed in these six months is that there is a tremendous sense of freedom and acceptance that comes with speaking from the heart without receiving any response! It is far easier to say exactly what's alive in the moment without fearing the judgement of others, or worrying about how stupid I must sound, or whatever. It is a powerful thing, to have space held for me, no matter what I say. And it is equally powerful to hold space for others, without having to worry about having a "proper" response. And in that space of silence, I have felt such a deep sense of connection to the others...I am so grateful for this! How prickly it feels, then, to return to conversations with people who offer their advice without any sense of this alternative...

Is it so much to ask for? All I want is to live in harmony and deep communion with Mother Earth, and all my relations. To experience deep connection and community with my fellow human beings, centered in the heart, rich and simple. To show up every day, to offer my gifts to the Earth, to accept the gifts offered in return. To live honestly and authentically, and to care for others while accepting their care in return. Is that really so much? I think not. But it will take conscious effort. I am willing. I am also very much aware that I cannot do this alone...