Continuity and Change

Today has been a good day so far! I'm currently sitting at City Cafe in Baltimore, one of my longtime coffee shop haunts. I just had a haircut with Kenny, who has been pretty much exclusively cutting my hair since I was 19. That's 14 years! His work is wonderful, hands down. And as we were saying our goodbyes, I felt moved to offer him gratitude for his being one of the constants in my life when there has been so much change.

I remember sometime last year Ali saying to me how nice it was to have history with each other. At the time, it hadn't really ever crossed my mind, but her words resonated strongly within me. It *is* really nice to have history with people! Especially given that there is so much change in life...especially in my own life lately. With the truth of things being that change is the only thing that doesn't change, it feels overwhelming to me that anything can be gone without any notice. But when things do show up over and over again over so many years, there is something deep and sweet that grows. A sense of belonging. A sense of connectedness. And I love that.

There were years and years when it seemed that in spite of my best intentions to have peaceful, dependable relationships with people, there was always some kind of conflict erupting. It seemed like every year someone major in my life would either move away or there would be a conflict between us, and the friendship would come to an end. Add to that a few major breakups and the pain that followed. For years, it seemed like there was a revolving door on my life, and nothing would settle. The truth was more that I wouldn't settle. And I wanted friendships on my terms. Sometimes those terms were entirely agreeable. Those people have been around for the long haul. But sometimes those terms were not part of the agreement, and I just couldn't understand what was wrong. I get it now...

I am super grateful for the ways that Madre Ayahuasca has shown me these things, and asked me to clean up my life. No more loose ends, no more unresolved conflicts...even when there is no fixing, it seems that now there is no inner conflict that allows things to linger on and on. I am grateful that I have been asked to go within myself and see my own patterns, my own bullshit, and to see the truth. And I am willing to continue this work for as long as I live.

I now see that the revolving door of friends and loves was just a part of my spiritual practice starting to take root. I can love anyone. I can talk to anyone. But those people who I will form the most powerful and intimate relationships with need to resonate with my path. What a blessing, now my life feels so full of exactly that. I have a TRIBE of souls all over the world who resonate with this path. And even better, I have a TRIBE of souls right here at home who also resonate with this path, and who seem to want to share that in our daily lives. It's still not as much as I'd prefer, but I'm working on it. =)

What's been so hard for me lately is knowing the truth of change. Of feeling just how easily my reality in this world can be ripped apart, and there is no going back to the way it was. There is no normal. There is only what is right now. And god, that hurts so much. I have been feeling lately like there is no point to even trying to love life with death haunting me as it has. But in this moment of clarity, I am understanding that the truth of change is even MORE of a reason to love more deeply, commit more thoroughly, and to be exactly who I am in the midst of all of that. Life goes by so fast. Maybe if I wasn't on the spiritual path that I'm on, it would be possible to sink into the shallow waters of living in illusion, chasing material pleasures, and fulfilling all the statuses that are available to fulfill. But I KNOW in my bones that none of that matters. There's no un-learning what I have learned. And now, I see even clearer than before that nothing lasts. Nothing. Not my surroundings, not the people and animals in my life, nothing stays the same. Even my own body changes every day, and will one day no longer exist.

I know that I am not at the bottom of this well yet. I know there is deeper to sink into this truth. I am willing to go there, with all the darkness that accompanies it. But I also am committed to knowing what life *is* beyond intellect and philosophy. I want to sink all the way into this murk of not understanding the point! I want to make myself available for death to reveal to me what the point of life is. I already feel it being revealed in my body, but just ever so slightly. I don't want to push it, just so that I can feel happy again. It will take as long as it takes. I am willing to wait in order to really know more fully.

It's tricky...there are people who want to fill in the blanks for me, for sure... People always want to share their knowing and their wisdom and their philosophy. And there are times for sharing those things, absolutely! But right now, I know that I am ripe for the Universe revealing these answers to me directly.

Surrender

Tonight when I arrived home, I decided to follow the suggestion of a yoga teacher friend of mine, and spend twenty minutes in a supported chest opener pose, and wow! I feel really calm and centered right now. I reclined on the floor, with my back arching over a rolled blanket, and my head fell back onto a pillow, and my arms open at 2/10 o'clock. I brought my feet together, and let my knees fall open, also resting each one on a pillow. There I remained for twenty minutes, listening to this beautiful music, "Devi Prayer" by Craig Pruess and Ananda. My body struggled to really let go, but moments washed over me when I was not merely lying there on the floor, but deliberately surrendering myself to the ground beneath me.

My nervous system slowly began to release, and I could feel the way that my body and mind are still in a state of emergency. While most of this state of being extends from the trauma of being with Familiar kitty as he passed, I believe that it goes beyond that immediate situation. The speed with which we live our lives in this part of the world is its own trauma state, and the anxiety about this, then the next thing...our nervous systems are all spun up into a state of madness. Fear of keeping our lifestyles, fear of making enough money, fear of maintaining our jobs, fear of not being successful, fear of the economy crashing, fear of the swine flu...it just goes on and on. And while most of these things don't come up in my life on a regular basis, I am certainly at the energetic mercy of a culture that I swim within...until I consciously work with that to shift things within myself.

As I reclined on my yoga mat, being held by soft pillows and covered by a warm blanket, I heard my mind grasping, reaching, searching...in essence, protecting me, trying to make sure things are safe. And there is a voice in my head that believes that even here, in my home of nearly eight years, in this sweet neighborhood, and on this quiet night, I might be in some danger. Okay, it is not likely! Another voice in my head knows that and tries to dismiss this one. But there the other one remains, in constant duty as a sentinel. A plane could crash into the house! Or someone could break in! Or a fire! Or or or or or orororororor...on and on and on. And once my rational mind has dismissed all of those possibilities, worse ones arise... Ones that sound insane. Energetic violations and dangers. What if the ghost of Familiar kitty comes to do yoga with me, as he always used to do? Or what if there are other energies there, just waiting for me to relax and surrender, to then feast upon my unguarded being? And then, worst of all...the danger isn't external, it isn't even external energetically...it is my own body! My own body is the threat to my safety! It's not a robber or a ghost that will bring me harm...it is my own cells, my own body will destroy itself! Sigh...I can't live like this.

It's a good thing I already know that I am not my mind. =)

In ceremony a long time ago I became aware that I didn't know how to relax. Gradually, I have been coming into a place inside of myself that can soften into life, whether things are easy or difficult, fast or slow, peaceful or tumultuous. But this loss of my kitty has thrown all of that off. What a gift this is, showing me how I have not yet really mastered this process of relaxing. Heehee. It is a gift, for sure. The truth of groundlessness has been revealed to me in the most undeniable way. I spend time every day in a place of knowing that death is sitting right beside of me. That everything that I create will be destroyed. That everyone and everything that I know and love will die, and life will go on living itself alive. I am powerless to do anything about that. And sitting with that as my companion each day has not been easy...it is a hell of a teacher, that is for sure!

What I am coming to understand is hard to articulate right now. It is connected to the esoteric teachings of so many wise beings. About life and death and spiritual practice. About surrendering everything into the fire of love. About dropping the ego. About...hmm...well, the point behind everything. I can't give it words yet, because I know I am still lost in the fog. But what I can see is that every idea that I ever had about life and death and spirituality were much more intellectual just a few weeks ago. Even Madre Ayahuasca couldn't give me this teaching. I am beginning to understand why they have always said that wisdom comes through life experience. No esoteric teaching, no book, no philosophy could have ever really brought me into facing life and death like this. Not even close.

As I was there on the floor, working to relax and surrender, the thought crossed my mind, why would I be afraid if the ghost of Familiar kitty did come to do yoga with me? Why would I automatically fear any energetic presence that might come into my space? Just like Javier would have guided me to do, I turned the automatic fear response around. I relaxed into the idea of both, accepting their possibilities, but also looking into them directly. Turn around and face the monster that is chasing you...right? As I put my attention upon this, a lightness filled my body, and I felt like I was floating. I let my breathing settle and felt the energy move within me in the most gentle, yet radiant way. The music, totally sublime, carried me through this inner space, drifting in the lightness. And I began to relax.