My Theory of Isolation

Yesterday I had a startling realization. I have been a devoted loner for much of my life. I have valued my alone time, and have guarded it pretty fiercely for much of my life. I have spent many a weekend night alone in my house with my cats, wearing my pajamas, relishing the treat of it! Ah, to have no commitments, to have no plans, oh the glory of a night alone at home, relaxing, doing only what I want!

When I was in college, I would regularly be visited by moments of panic while out with friends. Not that there was any uncomfortable situation that would arise, I would be hanging out at a bar or cafe with my nearest and dearest friends, and out of nowhere, I would have the urge to flee. And a good deal of the time, I would! I would bolt with little explanation. Social anxiety? Too much sensory stimulation? Self-esteem issues? All of these were possibilities in my reasoning, but I could never see clearly enough in the moment. I would just give some cursory reason, and bolt.

And yesterday, I had a startling realization, indeed: I am no longer a loner! Here I am, writing daily, talking daily of my deep yearning for community! I *want* to be with other people! What the hell happened to my intense need for solitude? When did this all change? What a surprise!

Right now, I honestly can't recall the feeling inside of myself that used to pull me into spending so much time alone, resisting spending time in the company of my other humans. What I am realizing is beautiful and totally new. The more comfortable I become in my own skin, the more I love and accept myself fully, unconditionally, the less I need to isolate myself to recharge. The less I need to be alone to be who I am. This is amazing!

Could it be that all these years, the reason I was spending so much time alone is that I couldn't be myself around other people? That I was so busy being who I imagined they would want me to be, that I was too busy figuring that out to enjoy myself, and that I would inevitably need a lot of alone time to make up for all that time play-acting? God!! I never really considered myself a phony, pretending to be someone else, maintaining a facade. But maybe I was. I definitely see the ways that I have held back pieces of myself, believing that they were too much to share with the world, that I was too much. And what a drain! To restrain myself from being who I am whenever I am in the company of other human beings!

Now I'm beginning to see the real fruit of my labors in ceremony this summer in Peru. How to truly accept and love myself...not just words, but the real thing. How to live in harmony with my nature as a human being, as a woman, as a spiritual being. Not, as I have so often done in the past, trying to create the version of Angela that is the most perfect, presentable, evolved...whatever. Can I love and accept exactly who I am, no resistance, no hesitation, no compromise, no matter what? Hell, yes! And this, it seems now, is the very secret to living in harmony with my fellow human beings as well. Or at least the *desire* to live in harmony with them.

How many of us "introverts" and "loners" and "sensitive empaths" are merely people like me, who on some unconscious or subconscious level are not able to just be exactly who we are without any pretense, effort, or fear of rejection? I can't speak for anyone but myself. But what I find now is that the things that used to drive me to flee just don't have the same power.