First day of Fall

The first day of fall, the autumnal equinox 2009. Time of shifting, of changing, of surrender. The season of harvesting what is ripe, of gathering the goods of a season's sunlight, and of going inside. I have usually declared fall my favorite season, and that still seems fitting to me today. There is some un-nameable quality that comes with the first chill in the air, a quality of longing, of bittersweet, of the sweetness of letting go. I love this time.

Creating this blog came to me just moments ago, completely spontaneous. Several friends of mine have decided in the past few years to track their lives for one year. One friend kept a blog, another is journalling her year in photographs. I have never felt particularly inclined, before now, to keep a daily live-journal style blog...but tonight something came over me, and I decided to indulge it. Here we are.

I am entering this fall season with great reflection. When we entered fall last year, I had just returned from a truly transformative trip to Peru. I had spent 2 1/2 months living in Pisac, participating in ceremony, and the dark, difficult stuff in my life had all been stirred up, shaken well, and much of it purged. I entered last fall with the clarity that my life needed to change in some major external ways to align with the inner changes that had come in Peru.

The biggest change that came was following the inner guidance that was leading me in a new path in terms of "right livelihood" and work. I did an aromatherapy training course with my dear friend Amy, and that was just incredible! I also decided to finish my Reiki training so that I could teach Reiki to others. The biggest piece was deciding to go to massage school. And now, I am a little more than two months from finishing that!

And too, I returned to Peru for most of the month of August this year. Not nearly long enough, but plenty powerful nonetheless. I can see how the changes that needed to come in my life following last year's journey were very much in the realm of healing my worldly life: relationships to others, relationship with work, relationship with myself. But this year's journey has brought much more subtle layers of work, in realms that are difficult to articulate, but no less powerful.

Part of what has been challenging me since I returned from Peru this year is not at all new: the cultural chasm between here and there. I long for community in my bones, I long to live in my heart all the time, I long to live as simply as I can. And that is so difficult to do in the midst of a culture that lives in isolated suburbs, that honors the mind above all else, and values nothing more than excessive consumption under the label "abundance." I have been feeling like a fish out of water. Or worse, a fish in toxic water, who knows she's in toxic water, and can't seem to find a way out of the fishbowl.

One of the most powerful messages I had in ceremony in Peru this year was about how I sometimes feel stuck, totally powerless. And I have seen that emerge since I have returned home...but I have seen it for what it is, with full consciousness. And I see the ways that I WANT something to be different, but when I feel powerless, I don't realize that I can CREATE something in the direction of what I'm wanting...

My dear friend Aleksandra has posted the following on her facebook page:

"if you want to know your past look at your present moment, if you want to know your future, look at what you are doing now"

When I read this tonight for about the hundredth time, I decided to create this blog. To track my own process. In order to look more at what I am doing now to more consciously create my future. I know what I struggle with, what makes me crazy, what makes me feel like I have no place in the very culture I was born into. I also know that what I resist will persist. So, I foresee this blog being a couple things. I see it being a process of holding myself accountable for my very own desires...for seeing how the present moment shows up based on the tendencies of my past, and to stand in a place of powerfulness in this present moment, to create a future that is moving in the direction of my desires. I also see this blog as an experiment in total authenticity and honesty...I am not writing for you, but you may read if you wish. I do this all the time on paper, but tend to write for others when I know it will potentially be "seen." This blog isn't meant to be entertaining or witty, nor will I censor or edit. Finally, I see this blog as an interesting way of following my own life for one year...with some regularity I hope.

I want to write a bit about the name I chose for the blog, but that will need to wait for another day. Enough for now.

Lokah samastha sukino bhavantu.