It is a beautiful, quiet morning. I am enjoying another morning on my porch, connecting with the world around me. The sky is pretty overcast, but patches of bright blue are promising their clarity in the afternoon. There is a sweet coolness that speaks of fall, and a few more leaves are scattering on the ground. Yesterday it rained pretty solidly through the afternoon and evening, and it was delightful! And now, after the rain, the Magnolia's cones are more rosy, ripening like fruit. Beautiful! The sun just burst through the clouds, and the world is awash in brightness.
I am appreciating just how much this blog is helping me to connect to myself. Just one week ago today, I was hosting a brunch in my house, enjoying the laughter and company of some really great friends...hoping to create more community in my life. Now, after less than a week of blogging, I am finding things shifting and moving more already, and in a direction that is meaningful and fulfilling. What a blessing!
I have been looking for ways to live more green in my daily life for a little more than a year. I attended a workshop at the Well in May 2008 that was super inspiring, providing many ideas of how to live greener everyday. I began composting right away, and eventually made myself a compost bin out of a Rubbermaid trashcan. Ever since, I have been saving my organic waste, and composting it...turning my food scraps in to food for the gardens! I also made a commitment to myself not to buy any more conventional cleansers that contain so many toxic ingredients. It all just ends up in the water, and I don't want to drink that! So, the wonders of essential oils, white vinegar, and natural cleaners have made my house less toxic. The one thing I was really hoping for, too, was a clothesline. I talked to my landlord about it, about how much energy it can save. He wouldn't hear of it. There's just been too much of a stigma created around laundry lines and "white trash"... I don't get it myself! So, since last fall, I have been yearning for a way of doing this without directly going against my landlord's wishes. Yesterday it hit me!
When I was in college I had a collapsible drying rack for hand washing. It wasn't very sturdy, and I didn't use it much. Eventually it fell apart, and I tossed it. But yesterday, it hit me that THAT is exactly how I could have a laundry line. So, I went to Target, found one that was good and sturdy, and came home to hang out my first wash. Now, this certainly isn't an answer for days when I might be in a hurry for some particular clothes. And it's not ideal for drying heavy towels and bed linens. Right now, almost 24 hours later, my clothes are still not dry, due to the rain. But in the name of living green and in voluntary simplicity, I've made my choice! Funny how such a small, silly thing can make a person feel so empowered. Haha!!
Last night, I drove to Virginia for my friend J.J.'s birthday gathering. After my epiphany yesterday in my writing, I was rather curious how I would be at a party of people I didn't know. Usually, this has not been my kind of scene...I have felt like a wallflower, watching people, and trying not to be seen. But last night, I had a great time! I ended up seeing several people I had previously met through Nonviolent Communication workshops, and enjoyed those conversations so much. I met several new people too, which was lovely. This whole evening has shown me some real truth about what I was writing about yesterday. Having let go of so much self-consciousness, I can truly show up as I am! And in doing that, I am much freer to just listen to whoever I meet, open to receive what they have to offer the conversation. And what a relief, not to be constantly worried about whether or not they like me, or are judging me for my ideas, or my appearance. What liberation!! Does this truly mark the end of my lifetime of social anxiety, of fear of judgment? When I consider that as a real possibility, everything in me relaxes, and it's the kind of relaxation that goes right to the core of my being.
After a lifetime of feeling that I shouldn't be who I am, that I need to somehow be some other version of myself, and that I will never be accepted the way I really am, I became aware of the feeling in myself that I couldn't relax. Ever. Not really. I remember writing about this in the summer, before I went to Peru. And the miracle of it, seeing how this has shifted within me, without me really even realizing it! I am so grateful for this. The changes that I saw in my life last year after coming home from Peru were so wonderful, I couldn't even believe it. But now, as I am finding the gifts of my work there this time...I am humbled and truly in awe of this Medicine and the deep healing that I have experienced. I just have no words...this is a blessing beyond any I could have ever imagined.
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