Creating the Day

This morning, I awoke and began my day as I begin most days: up, bathroom, internet. Usually, I find myself greeting the world for a new day online before I make it out into the world around me. This has been true for a long time, and it has also felt not-quite-right for a long time too. What would the day feel like if I didn't make this desk and this computer my first greeting to the world?

I remember someone talking about consciously creating the day from the film, "What the Bleep do We Know?" It always sounded like a good thing, but I must admit, I've never really given it a chance. Sure, there are some days that are so very full that I have no option but to follow through with the plans that I have made. But other days, days like today, I wake up and have no particular plan for many hours...these are the days that could use some consciously creating. Otherwise, I may just spend the first hour of my new day checking emails and seeing what's up on facebook...

I feel like one of the reasons I've NOT chosen to begin my day with intention is out of resistance. Not to the idea, in particular, but to the thought of having to make a commitment to what my day will hold. There are so many days when things are asked of me, time commitments, engagements, the need to get certain things accomplished. And so often, on days that have few commitments, I just want to leave it open, to let it all be as it will be. And I hear a need for freedom beneath that desire. And yet, I don't often find more freedom. I often find myself in my house, online. This is not contributing to my joy, for the most part...it is merely a habit. One that is coming up for consideration at this moment.

So, instead of getting up and greeting my day in a way that nurtures me, and helps to cultivate the way I want to live, I get up and go to the computer. I often delay breakfast in order to take care of the things that must be attended online. Sometimes breakfast becomes lunch, and sometimes I end up being so rushed that I don't have time to eat anything really good at all. All because I didn't consciously choose to go and have a bowl of fruit or something. (Fortunately, even taking the time to write this has made me more aware! I have just prepared myself a bowl of fruit.) But, I usually have fruit, and if enough days pass when I'm not consciously choosing to eat that fruit, it spoils! Double waste. Wasting my time, not taking care of myself, and wasting the fruit, and the money I spent to purchase it... This is definitely NOT the way I want to live.

There are so many ways that I could spend the first hour of my day, practices that do nourish me...and it's been a long time since I really engaged in any of them on a regular basis. I used to do "morning pages" writing, a practice of journalling from "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I also used to practice yoga at home. At one point, I was beginning each day with meditation...and the weather is still nice, so I could be doing this on my porch. And then, there's taking a walk... This is the point where I often hit overwhelm...so many options, which one will I decide...I end up deciding on none of them consciously, and ending up right here in front of the computer once more.

When I'm in Peru, I go to the internet cafe in order to get online. There is virtually no personal internet service there, and for S/2 an hour, I am able to go and either plug in my own computer, or just use one of theirs. This makes using the internet a special daily event. And my usual usage was about 30 minutes. What a treat, to see who has been in touch, or to take care of things that need attending. But because of the way things are there, I don't have the option to get online throughout the day every day...maybe this is a real gift. My time is free for other things.

I am feeling that part of a solution would be to simply choose ONE of the above nourishing things to begin each day. Some days it will surely be clear. Other days, maybe I can just randomly choose one. I think it probably doesn't matter so much which way I choose to begin the day, only that I consciously choose something that is in alignment with the way that I want to live. I may not be able to choose every thing that must occur in every day. But I can choose something. I just need to consciously choose it.

And if I begin to consciously choose to begin my day with something that nurtures me, I will be much more likely to keep choosing those kinds of things when I have the options later in the day. There is so much frazzledness around me...people always in a hurry, never having the time to take care of themselves, never having time for things that they would enjoy...only doing what they have to do. And while my life tends to be much more chill than that most of the time, if I am not consciously creating another way, I will get caught up in the ambient madness of a culture in a hurry.

What I am feeling beneath this idea is a real sense of peace, the little voice inside of me says, "oh, really, could we do this??" This way of living is a small change, but it is a change made in the name of self-care, of self-love. I have a collage on my wall right not that has a quote: "Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong." Yes, it sure will.

I have been feeling caught up in a culture that makes no sense to me. And I have been feeling a resistance to it all. But I am beyond aware of the idea, "what you resist persists." I haven't been able to see an alternative to it, other than allowing it to swallow me whole, which makes me want to run away as fast as possible! But in this moment, I am seeing the seed of another option: don't worry about the rest of the world, just take care of yourself in the way that feels the most nourishing and joyful. If I choose to follow my own needs, the culture won't necessarily create so many problems in my daily life, not directly... It's worth a try, for sure. Otherwise, I will continue to feel unhappy, and complain, and still not be living any closer to the way that feels right.