Monday morning...somehow I didn't end up sitting on the porch, writing and eating breakfast. Not sure why, but morning became noon, and it was almost 1pm when I first found some food. Whole wheat toast with butter. Good bread, but eaten in the car on my way to do some shopping. The week did not get off to a good start...
This is actually how most days go when I'm not being conscious about how I'm living and spending my time. Emails, chores, laundry, dealing with one thing and another, and then, WHAM! I'm cranky because I'm not taking care of myself in a way that feels good and nurturing. Fortunately, the sun did not set on the day before I found some time to honor myself and my needs. I am now sitting on the porch, enjoying the waning golden sunlight. There was some rain this afternoon, and now a bit of mist is lingering in the air, and everything is humid and shiny green. The clouds are sailing by, all shining with late afternoon light. And here I am, writing again.
When I don't take the time to tend to my needs, first and foremost, then my whole day suffers. My attitude suffers. I'm impatient and moody. I'm in a hurry, and don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't have much tolerance for other people, and tend to make a mess with the things I am doing. I am grateful to have experienced this day, to cultivate my inner observer, to experience the contrast between several days of treating myself well, followed by a day of not taking care of myself in the ways that I would prefer.
And now, I've finished teaching for the day. I've made myself some veggies for dinner, including carrots that were grown in my neighbor's garden. Oh, they are so good! Yum!! And here I am, connecting with the world around me, and connecting inside myself. Listening within and without, and loving the space where these things meet.
Eating well and finding time to sit and connect with myself, and with the Earth, are essential to my well being. Community, too, is essential to my well being. Another need that I am feeling in my body but not meeting on a regular basis right now is walking. Walking in the woods, walking on trails, walking to get exercise, as well as for my own joy. Last night as I was falling asleep, I envisioned myself getting up today and taking a walk along the Trolley Trail, and ending up at the coffee shop. Or even better, of walking the trail in the woods by my house...which I haven't walked on even once since I have been home from Peru. In Peru, I was walking at least a mile or two a day, every day, out of necessity! And I love that. My body loves it. My heart and mind love it. But here, driving driving driving...
Is it possible that I could make the commitment to walk every day? I did that once before. Well, actually, twice before. Once was the Camino. The other was something more simple, here at home. I was having a hard time in the relationship that I was in, and decided to commit to walking at least a mile every day for 40 days. And it was a beautiful gift to myself, to give myself that time each day, to listen to music, to let my mind consider the possibilities, to enjoy the natural world around me. Am I ready to commit to that kind of process again? One part of me offers a resounding yes. Yet another part of me just doesn't want to create a checklist of "to do" things for my life every day. I have always been good at making demands of myself and meeting those demands without hesitation. But the kind of aggressiveness that tends to grow within me as I force myself into that kind of decision isn't something that I want to cultivate. So, for now, I will simply sit with the desire to walk, and see what arises in my life.
I feel something bigger moving in my depths. Something connected to the meaning of my life, and the desire to find deeper meaning. It's not quite ready to surface now, but it is stirring, stirring. I merely want to acknowledge its presence for now. It seems connected to a deep sense of dissatisfaction with daily life, which is all too familiar. Hmm...
No comments:
Post a Comment