Swept Away

I feel the flux of spring pulling me this way and that way and this way again. The temperature gets really hot, then really cold, then hot, then fog, then cold nights and hot days, then moderate balance all the time. And that's what I feel inside of myself right now, too. I have always been an emotional person, a sensitive person. I am passionate, I feel things deeply. My sun sign is in Cancer - one of the most emotional signs. My moon sign is in Aries - one of the most fiery, impulsive signs. And my rising sign is in Scorpio - another tremendously emotional sign. I am a Chinese dragon, once more fiery. Water and fire, water and fire. I am the swell of the sea, calm and gentle, then raging into a tsunami. I am the glow of a warm fire, bringing people together in love and laughter, and I am the raging forest fire that destroys thousands of acres of pristine woodland. I am peace and I am violence. I am calm and I am ferocious. I am deeply wise, and I am an impulsive child.

Yesterday I was swept away in a torrent of anger that was all consuming. It's hard to know, sometimes, what will carry me into that state of feeling. I was already exhausted, and my body was aching, then my stomach began to hurt. All these things heightened my sensitivity, making me long to be gently cared for, taken into someone's arms and held gently and lovingly. But I didn't take myself into this place of gentleness, and there was no one else around to do it either. Instead, I found myself dealing with little annoying things, and my already sensitive state of being went into overwhelm pretty quickly. I just wanted ease, peace, flow! Instead, I found myself spiralling into anger. I couldn't find my cell phone. My internet wasn't working, and I was interrupted mid-conversation with someone. It was too hot to be out in the sun, and too cold in my house. My body ached, and every movement was uncomfortable. Sitting was uncomfortable. Searching for my phone was uncomfortable. My belly hurt from the body pain. I had eaten chocolate, and that made my belly hurt more, as well as the sugar and caffeine making me shaky. Sounds started to get louder than they were, intruding into my state of irritation. People talking loudly, kids bouncing a basketball and screaming, lawnmowers. Phone found, text sent, internet not working, not working, not working. For a month it hasn't been working well, and for the last two weeks of that, I have had a brand new laptop, with no possible issues. What the fuck, what the fuck?!?!

Suddenly I was at war with anyone who wanted to breathe in my direction. Nothing was good enough. Everyone was the enemy. Most of all, I was the enemy.

What the fuck was I doing up so late the night before? And what the fuck was I doing sub teaching? Is that the best I can do to get by in this world? What the fuck am I doing with my life? Wasting it, wasting it, watching it float by... And what the fuck was I doing that landed me with a muscle spasm that intense? And what the fuck could I do about it? Nothing at all. So, what the fuck was I doing, wasting my energy on the internet, like I do so many days? How much fucking time of my life do I waste on Facebook, once more wasting my life, watching it float by? And what the fuck was I doing, running around on a Friday evening, angry at the world? I wanted to hurt someone, or myself. I wanted to taste blood, or spill my own. I wanted to crash and be free. I wanted out. Fuck this. Game over. Done. Really?

There is so much energy in this powerful feeling. There is so much energy in the all-consuming sadness I felt a few days ago. There is so much energy in me! And when I focus it in this kind of way, all I am doing is undermining myself, my power. I hate the world, and I hate myself. Nothing is right, nothing can be made right. Everything is a problem, and I am alone in the world, seething and angry, ready to die. Fuck! I don't want to live like this...

If I could harness the energy of feelings as powerful as these, and channel that energy into something else, then I would be one hell of a powerful woman. I don't want to just follow the dictates of my culture, though, and push away the complex, uncomfortable emotions and just be happy in a sticky, sweet, fake kind of way. There is something authentic about these raw emotions that seems really worthy of honoring. I don't want to try to train myself into just feeling the "positive" emotions and blocking the "negative" ones. I see how a lot of the "positive intention" people want us to set a mantra and chant ourselves happy. "I am whole and happy each and every day." Fuck, dude. No, I'm not. Not even if I fake it 'til I make it, repeating that hollow bullshit every day! I think there's something deeper than that. Not moving into preference for happy feelings over angry ones. I think there's something really powerful in allowing them all to show up fully, to listen to them fully, but to simply remain present with them, not pulled this way and that, tumultuous and wild and out of control. I want to feel exactly what I am feeling in each and every moment. I want to surrender my preferences to just feel happy all the time, and to push away the darkness, lest it swallow me whole. But I also want to be still and present and calm and strong in the face of all of it. It's something I can only imagine at this point.