Him

I have never, ever been in a place in my life where life was insisting so much that I really consider what I want in a romantic relationship and life partner. I have spent much more of my life single than in relationships, and have found most of the relationships I have been in to be full of dissatisfaction and distraction. I have often preferred to spend my time alone than to delve into the world of dating, and have sometimes spent months and months without even considering getting involved with men in an intimate way. In the relationships I have had, I have always longed for deeper connection, more understanding, and true common ground ... and I have never found anything close. Usually, following a break up, I have felt so disillusioned that I cant' see the point in re-entering this game of pseudo-relating. The love was never profound enough. The physical intimacy was never deep enough. The conversation became tired and required so much effort. But now, life is asking me to step beyond these old experiences, beyond these old beliefs, and to really explore what I want in a love relationship. I am listening.

There have been no stellar relationships. Not yet. But plenty of learning experiences.

There was the creative guy. With him, I always felt like an experiment, like I was under a microscope. There was plenty of intellectual connection, but so little emotional intimacy or affection. He had a very high opinion of himself, and could barely see beyond his self-interest to connect with me. On again, off again, it eventually fizzled.

There was the sociologist. I could never tell what he was feeling. He was intense, but the intensity had little depth. He loved to hear himself talk, and loved having an audience. He was deathly afraid of emotion, spirituality, and psychology. Our connection was intellectual, and we could dream up any adventure or fantasy. There was very little emotional intimacy, and the physical intimacy was never worth much.

There was the alcoholic. He was a hopeless romantic, for sure, and I felt totally adored. He was patient and adoring, and was devoted to me, and we fell in love very quickly. Our connection was pure chemistry. We had little common interests, and I often felt trapped by his impression of me, the hippie chick. His alcoholism eventually destroyed any possibility of relationship. Communication became sparse or hostile, and I completely lost trust in him.

There was the one who I fell hopelessly in love with for years and years, without ever telling him. He eventually came out of the closet to me, and destroyed my whole world for a little while. Fortunately we're still close.

There was the one who lived far away, and we shared love letters for two years, all by mail. We were young, and our letters were clumsy and hand written, but full of sincerity and affection.

There was the one who I knew only through two months of Tuesday lunch dates, who seemed to be so uncomfortable in his own skin, and wore the same clothes every Tuesday. We played chess, and talked about strange things. Eventually, he left in the middle of a lunch date, informing me that I had given him a lot to think about. I never heard from him again.

There was the one who was so vastly different on the phone than in person. Intimate sharing - sometimes bordering on too intimate - by phone contrasted with anxiety and extreme discomfort in person. Always late, always dealing with something else, and often putting me on a pedestal. He wondered if I was a lesbian because I was a strong woman.

These are the ones I am remembering best from over the years in this moment...

And now, the universe has danced others into my life, others with greater potential than any of the ones above, with greater depth of love and connection in some ways, but greater impossibility in others. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. Sometimes I want to just walk away, to retreat into the life I lived before. Alone, but simple. I don't need sex. I can go a long, long time without missing that kind of connection. Years even. But what I am realizing is that I want to share my heart with a man who can hold it sacred, who can worship its radiant light and love, and honor that with his own radiant light and love. I want to share my life with a man who can walk this path alongside me. There is great strength in unity, and great power in love. I want to share my life with a true intimate partner. I want to feel the power of WE that can transcend anything I can do, be, or learn by myself. I see it happen all around me all the time. I know that it is possible. I have avoided it, I have feared it. But now I am ready to welcome that into my life.

What I know for sure is that the greater clarity I find within myself, the greater my chances are of manifesting and meeting a man who will be able to meet me where I am. So, that is what I am sitting with tonight. What do I really want in an intimate partnership?

I want to be with someone who will understand me and accept me as I am. Who will be able to stay present with me in all the variations in my feeling and being, without turning away or shutting down. Who will not try to convince me that I should feel a particular way, or constantly try to interpret, fix, or define my feelings. I want to share my life with someone who will really listen to me and take in my words, even if he doesn't always agree with me. I want to be with someone who openly and freely appreciates me in all that I am, and who expresses that without any hesitation. I want to be with someone who is affectionate in his presence, in his touch, in his words. I want to share my life with someone who understands what it is to be on an intense, committed spiritual path, and who has already chosen that for himself as well - not that his path must be the same as mine, but just compatible. I want to share my spiritual growth and evolution through relationship, as well as personal healing - love is the fire that heals all. I want to be with someone who is really open minded, and who is willing to see beyond his own views to the bigger picture. I want to be with someone who is interested in personal healing, and who is facing the demons and darkness within himself boldly, with candor and humility, and who can share openly about that process. I want to be with a man who holds peace dear to his heart, who can enter a practice of Nonviolent Communication with me, and to embody that practice together in a relationship. I want to be with a man who is not afraid of being open and vulnerable, and who can speak from the softness of his heart. I want to be with a man who can imagine physical intimacy as a practice in surrender to the Divine, and who is interested in cultivating a practice of sacred intimacy. I want to be with a man who cares about the state of the world, about the environment, about sustainable, green living. Who cares about education and children, and can share an ongoing conversation with me about what is truly valuable in learning and cultivating the mind. Who can understand what I mean by indigenous lifeways, and who will want to follow me - or lead me - to remote, beautiful parts of the world where people still live in communion with the Earth. Oh, and I would love to share my life with a man who can truly join me in living in sacred communion with the Earth, who cares about the land and the trees and the water as All My Relations. I want to be with someone who is a grounded dreamer, a visionary, a soulful being with a wide open heart, and whose ideas are not merely theoretical, but deeply embodied in practice. I would hope that he is not terribly materialistic or concerned about amassing wealth or property. I would also hope that he is responsible with worldly matters, and can take care of the basic requirements of living from day to day with enough competence that all of the rest can fully blossom. If he also happens to love to do the dishes, and isn't a slob, all the better.