Heart Song

Today is a beautiful day! I feel so blessed to wake up to the sound of birdsong in the tall trees that surround my house, and to feel the cool morning air on my face, while buried deeply beneath the soft down comforter. The sky is cloudless and blue, and the sun is already bright. Trees are in full bloom, and starting to grow their leaves. Daffodils and hyacinths are fading, but their fragrance lingers, and each day I am filled with delight as I walk past them. Each year, they are the first bright beacons of spring, singing their song of joy and renewal with no reserve. They inspire me. Here are beings that don't question their fullness, and offer their blooming without hesitation, in full surrender to the light of day. I can learn so much from them!

How would life show up if I followed their lead? If I was able to leave behind all the things that hold me back, all the pain and suffering and ideas and imprints from the past? If I dropped fear and moved boldly into love at all costs? What would I be doing right now? How would I be living right now?

The first thing that comes to me is that I would SING! I would sing all the time, no matter who was listening. I would sing fearlessly, and I would make it up on the spot, or I would write my own songs. I would give it no matter who was there to receive it. I would drop the mind that speaks as a professionally trained musician, the need for excellence, the voice that says I can't do it well enough to matter. I would write good songs and bad songs and silly songs, and I would sing them to the trees and the sky, and to whoever among my fellow humans would care to listen. I would let go of the need to be perfect, and sing along with whoever is singing. I would offer my own song to the world just because it is there, within me. Not to perform, not to get attention, not to be famous. But just to sing, to offer the song within my heart because it's there to offer.

The second thing that comes to me is LOVE. I have spent so much time in my life immersed in an internal world of love, and I have kept it mostly internal. I have held back in fear. In spite of that, my life has blossomed into its own expression of love, but there is so much that has gone unexpressed, so much ecstatic feeling that has been set aside. I have found safe ways of loving and being loved, allowing others to get close, but not too close. I have both yearned for Oneness, and feared being dissolved within it. I have danced around it, but pulled away. What have I feared? Being destroyed, being hurt, being abandoned. And true, all of these things have happened. But here I am, still overflowing with love, still seeking to live my life as the highest possible form of Love's expression. What would it feel like to know, deep in my bones, that I have never truly been abandoned, not even for one second? What would change within me to know that the pain of being hurt is what pierces my heart, allowing even more love to flow through me? And can I let go of the fear of being destroyed and dissolved, knowing that in my deepest essence, I am utterly indestructible? If I let go of these things that hold me back, how would my life be different? I would be able to drop the smallness within me and let go of the fear. I would express my love without reserve every single day, all the time. Every word, every touch, everything would be Love, dancing with itself in every form.

I have lived with many lies. They have brought me so much fear, and have held me back from living the fullness of Love that is possible. These lies have led me to believe that I am never going to be good enough, that I am worthless and broken. And they are powerless, once I see them as mere illusions that have clouded my dream here in this life. I don't buy it anymore. I hear the lies within myself like old, scratchy records. I feel the ways they have grown deep roots in my body and mind. This time has been a walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and I have feared every single possible evil. Each shadow has made me jumpy, and I have withdrawn, covering my eyes in fear. I am finished allowing them to own me. I will not go on living this way. I have seen too much Light and Truth to be bound by this old stuff. I used to think that I would never be able to do enough, or be enough, in this world before I die, and that my life would feel like a waste. Now, I have wandered around in that swamp for a long time, and I have explored it thoroughly. What I actually fear is that I will never live with utter abandon, I will never trust the fullness of who I am, and that I will live my days trapped by these lies, never fully living my life as an ecstatic expression of LOVE.