Gazing Beyond

We stood in two lines, facing each other, men and women. We stood silently, like a grove of tall trees, immersed in stillness. The connection was palpable, deep. There was music playing in the background, something timeless and meditative. For a minute, perhaps, we gazed into each other's eyes - focusing on the left eye since it's hard to focus on both - and offered presence and connection to each other.

What a curious, beautiful thing! To gaze deeply into the eyes of another being, one whom I have never before met, and to meet his or her essence. I found myself able to stay in Witness perspective quite easily, in spite of the variety of perceptions coming to me. First, there was my own mind, curious about what this other person might be noticing or thinking about me. Second, my own sense of response to what I felt in the other person - an embodied perception, different from thought. Third, and most magnificent, my perception of the other person, their presence, and their fluctuations within the moment of our gaze. What an incredibly intimate, touching experience to share.

The deepest truth that came to me was that of Beauty. Each of these beings were amazing! Totally beautiful. For me, it was impossible to enter the realm of judgment and evaluation when gazing into the depths of another person. Beyond his or her fluctuating presence, there was a mystery inside of each one, a mystery that offered its living presence without any hesitation. Just like the trees and flowers bursting into the most radiant, ecstatic expressions of their natures, each of these human beings - in spite of the details of their lives - were doing the very same thing! Living themselves alive in the moment. No matter what we are each doing with our lives, or healing through, or caught within, we are still living ourselves alive in the moment.

Beyond that radiant living light essence of each person, I did connect with a felt sense of the person's energy. Some impressions came with images. One woman felt like an Egyptian queen, but her abundant beauty felt dry like the desert, eroded somehow. Another woman felt like the ocean - her emotional depth was tremendous, and she felt nurturing and full of love, yet beneath that, sorrow. One woman's eyes seemed to struggle to stay with mine, and her blinking was rapid and fluttery. As I felt into that, I could feel fear and resistance, as if staying present with me was almost more than she could bear. One man's gaze was so bright and joyful, still and deep, I wanted to laugh and fall into his energy. Another man was full of strength and power, yet I felt like it was impossible to connect beyond that - his essence was that of a warrior. The last man was purely happy, he felt like everything I would want my grandfather to be - slow and patient, accepting and trusting, full of love. It was a gift and a blessing to connect with so many people in such a brief time in this way. And it makes me realize that truly intimate moments like this happen so rarely in my life. Even with those who I know best, and who know me best. Even with those with whom I have shared physical and emotional intimacy. We spend so much time speaking and living within our stories and images and perceptions of each other based on language. This exploration was free of that, pure and immediate and powerful. Now, I imagine what it would be like to share this level of connection with all those beings I know and with whom I walk in this world.

I was grateful that my own self-consciousness faded away rather quickly. I have spent so much energy in my life worrying about how I am seen and perceived, always assuming that if I merely reveal myself as I am in the moment, it will be unacceptable somehow. Not only is that filled with deep self-judgment and so little acceptance, it is filled with self-absorption. All of it wastes so much energy. I see how much energy in my life has gone into this kind of unconscious thinking, and I mourn all those years when authenticity was too scary to even come near. Also, I celebrate that I am no longer willing to stay there. But it is deep; this way of thinking has roots that are pervasive, like weeds. Weeding is a neverending process, it seems...

I can see that the very intimacy I have craved in all my relationships has been blocked by my own self-consciousness. My own fear of not being worthy of the relationships that I have been given. I have spent a long time trying to be good enough in every possible way. I have been so concerned about the opinions others have held. I have felt isolated and alone, and have tried to convince myself that that is better, stronger, easier, more evolved. And I have been a fool. I have created an image and surrounded my real self with it - and I have felt imprisoned by it. This image has kept me feeling alone and isolated, and has never, ever served me in any deep, meaningful, loving way. How many times have I actually been told that I am not good enough? How many times have I been rejected? So few, so very few. My fear has kept me imprisoned in this madness. It has all broken down, and broken apart, and here I am, sifting through the rubble day by day. I see that the light that I see in others has been right there within me all this time. All that I see and experience is a reflection of the Divine heart within me, and within all beings. How have I been keeping myself out of that equation for all these years? And what a blessing it is now to really go through all the pieces of my life and pull up these weeds, these lies that have grown deep in my psyche, deep in my body.

I am not alone. I have never been alone. I have never been abandoned. I have never been worthless. I have never been ugly - inside or out - and I have never been damaged. I have never needed to validate my worth through actions or knowledge. I have never needed to prove anything to anyone. I have never needed to earn my existence here on this spinning, living world - not any more than the trees or flowers or rivers or bumblebees or clouds or deer or squirrels. How have I held myself to another standard than the rest of the living world? In truth, I - and all beings - are so interconnected that there is no possibility of isolation outside of our imaginations. I am held lovingly in the arms of this sweet existence, and every need that I have ever had has been freely provided for. I have air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, a place to sleep, and an endless landscape in which to explore. I have a mind that can contemplate the mysteries of the universe, as well as ponder my place in the whole. I have a heart that can radiate open as Love, wide as the universe, deep as the ocean. I have this body that allows me to feel and move and come into direct, intimate contact with the rest of this world. I have a creative spirit that allows me the freedom to express myself in language and song and dance and art. I don't know where the thoughts come from that fill my mind, and I don't know who the One is that notices those thoughts, and knows that It is beyond them. I don't know where the Love comes from, either, but I do know that it fills me, it flows me, it radiates me alive, and guides every single facet of my life. Who am I to think that I don't deserve to be here? Who am I to think that I am not worthy of this life? I am here. End of story. I can spend my days digging around in the silt at the bottom of my consciousness and be stuck there forever. Or I can walk strongly and lovingly upon this Earth, and live LOVE in everything I do, everything I think, everything I am. That sounds like a lot more fun.