Just Enough

This winter I sank into the cold, dark days, into my own inner cold darkness. Anxiety riddled my body and mind, and I found myself falling into a seemingly bottomless pit of sorrow and fear. What is the point of this life anyway? Why am I here on this planet? Everything is meaningless... The turmoil of the mind and the misery of the body became a heavy burden that my heart could hardly bear. Day after day, I felt the presence of death walking beside me, breathing down my neck, holding my arm in his icy grip. Fear crawled up my legs, and clawed its way into my heart. At night, my heart would thunder in my chest. I tried to steady it with deep, slow breathing, but a sense of despair and hopelessness clung to me with a heaviness that seemed impenetrable. Will I die before I have given any gifts to the world? Am I wasting my life here? Has my life been worth anything at all, or will I die having lived for nothing?

Some days I received the gift of perspective, and would sift through the content of my life so far. What have I done that has meant anything here on this Earth? Is my life really a waste? In those moments of grounded clarity, I knew that I was doing my best. I am a member of a community that values connection and spiritual growth, and I have been an integral part of bringing people together for the first time, as well as in regular community gatherings. I am a musician and teacher, and bring together classrooms of bright students to explore nonviolence and peaceful protest through music. Also as a musician, I connect with others to offer music to the world in a variety of ways - classical music to those who yearn for refined musical expression through traditional forms, and improvization to those who are open to follow the thread of creation from moment to moment. I have been a part of a sisterhood of women related by spirit, not by blood, and have brought forth love and acceptance to them as they share their paths, as well as profound questions that call me forward on my own path. And in this moment, I am realizing that the truest gift I bring into each of these groups is not a particular doing, but more a sense of beingness - a sense of the true value of togetherness as we all dance in this world - with curiosity, tenacity, love, and authenticity.

I get very caught up in the particulars of my offerings. Have I done enough? Have I taken care of my share of the work? Have I earned my place in this group? I struggle with fears that I will be judged, shunned, abandoned if I don’t contribute enough. But how much is enough? This is the ultimate question, indeed. As long as I follow the inner imperative that tells me that no matter how much I do, no matter how much I give, there will never be a contribution good enough, I will always be left with a feeling of inadequacy, of needing to earn my place in the group, in my life, on this Earth. In a culture particularly driven by excess, I learned from a young age that bigger is better and that there will never be enough for all of us. Every man for himself. Scarcity thinking. I am starting to see beyond this, though. Could it really be possible that I am enough just by being present with all that I do? That my very being is plenty? Is it truly possible that I might be able to enter into community to offer my gifts without this drive, without this desperate imperative? Is it possible that I could take into consideration what must be done, and offer my service in ways that resonate with me deeply? Is it possible that I might do this without placing my own intrinsic worth in the hands of others? Is it possible that by merely showing up with love in my heart and willingness to serve in my spirit, that whatever efforts I offer will be received as an honest gift to the world?