Forgiveness

I awoke this morning to feeling warmth under my down comforter, and to the sound of birdsong, wild and joyful, outside my window. Another cloudless blue sky bright sunshiny day.

I have spent time in meditation this morning, and in weeping. In this moment, I am feeling connected to that space within me that is deep and unwavering, and the river of tears has come into flow as I have seen clearly some parts of myself that I don't like very much. But the tears speak not so much of the loathing of these dark parts, but more of the compassion that arises as I see that these dark parts are not the truth. I am moved, and feel such deep humility.

I feel like things are coming and going so fast now. And I don't mean the world around me - though that is ultra fast, and I can't seem to keep up most of the time. No, right now I mean things within me, things I'm being shown, old patterns that are coming up, and being ripped away. Sometimes, even in the course of one day, I feel so much change within me, so much learning and shifting, that I hardly know what to do with myself. Is this what the Mayans were referring to as their calendar approaches 2012? Who knows. But in my life, I feel like I am being pushed to grow, to release, to walk through the fire and be transformed, and with little time to think and consider. No time for that, just go now, and trust yourself and the universe...

I have asked for this, too. I have eagerly sought it. I have chosen the life of the seeker, the life of the pilgrim. I have read the stories about enlightened ones, and yearned for that myself. I have read the books that guide me toward spiritual awakening, and have prayed that I might truly awaken. I have pushed the envelope, and claimed to be willing to do anything to move in the direction of Truth. And now I see that there was a whole lot of ego in that.

When the life of the seeker and pilgrim have become hard, I've wanted to quit. I haven't wanted to actually suffer in order to grow. I have read about how hard the road to enlightenment is, and have expected that it surely wouldn't be that way for me. I have danced boldly around this path, wanting it more than anything, but not wanting to have to go through what would inevitably need to happen in order to LIVE my Truth. Fortunately, the honest truth behind my prayers and yearning has been stronger than my ego's desires to "be more spiritual." And in the last six months of my life, I have been put to the test. Now, I see just how theoretical my spiritual path has been. I have wanted it, but I have wanted it to remain within my limits, within my control. And life has ripped me apart, showing me that all I can really do is surrender.

As I walk through this time of fire and change, the blessings of Madre Ayahuasca's teaching have come to show me the way. Even though I haven't been in ceremony in half a year, her teachings remain strong and present. I remember one ceremony last spring. I was shown an image of myself, washed up on a poisoned shore of a poisoned river. The water was black and dead. The shore was littered with garbage, toxic waste, excrement - and there I was, strewn among the poison. I wept, seeing that there is a part of me that feels just like that: garbage, poison, toxic, worthless. This part of myself has been coming up a lot in the last week, too. I haven't always been aware of it, but have been really struggling with my own worth. There have been days when I have felt like I don't deserve to be a live in a body, to be drinking water and breathing air among human beings, and among the living world. Where do these ideas come from? Are they from emotional trauma that comes from my childhood? Are they from the collective conscious, and from old religious beliefs about being cast out of the Garden? Part of me believes that it may not even matter where they come from. That it matters more that I am able to be present with them when they arise, and heal them through love and acceptance. So, this morning, I am sitting with that.

I know the Truth in my mind. I know that it is not true that I am poison. But until my whole being feels and accepts that, there is healing that must be done.

It's no wonder that I have a deep desire to escape, that I feel like a refugee, that I can't relax for any significant amount of time. If there is a part of me that believes that I am not worth the very skin I live within, how could I ever be still?

Can I stay present with these feelings? Can I breathe into them? Can I listen to these awful beliefs within myself, and hold them lovingly? Can I forgive myself for falling from the truth?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.