Coming Up For Air

This Monday has been way better than last Monday. Last week, my cell phone wasn't working, my bamboo flute was found destroyed, and everything seemed to go wrong. Today has been pretty good, overall. Once more, in the school in DC, doing programs about holidays - today was about prankster holidays: April Fool's in the US and Dia de los Inocentes in Latin America. What fun, singing with the kids! And on the way home, I decided to do a little shopping - this only happens about twice a year, and I made the most of it. It wasn't too awful, but I did leave with a headache. Bummer, two headaches in two days...

And it is surely days until my cycle begins, too. Headaches before that make sense. I have also been noticing that there is an aggressiveness in my mood these last couple days. Another sure sign. Add to that the fact that my skin has gone nuts, and I am surely in the thick of hormone soup! The aggressiveness is an interesting piece of it, though. Before I get my cycle, I often feel like a wild warrior woman, ferocious and strong...almost like I could rip into a leg of some dead animal, and eat it raw. Not that I would, being vegetarian and all! But there is something in me that kicks into fierceness right before my cycle comes. I find my mind wanting to respond in a defensive way, if not downright antagonistic. I don't often let this come into play with others, but it is certainly interesting to watch!

I am sitting here, now, in my soft, comfy bed. Last night I put on the flannel sheets, and fluffed up the feather bed and down comforter. What a soft, cozy nest! Add to that the best little golden kitty Friday, and I could happily never leave home again. I love him more every day. His uber loud purring is rumbling here next to me, and he has snuggled up next to my leg, to be as close as possible as I write. Thank god for this kitty! What a blessing he is in my life.

I feel like I am coming up for air. I feel like the darkness has plateaued for now. In spite of the fact that I wanted to invite it to go deeper within me, perhaps facing it in that way was what needed to happen in order to bring some surrender to the whole state of being. Things are shifting around. Alan will move in soon, my house will no longer be all my own. I am opening my life up to new possibilities. Tonight I went to a new Kundalini yoga class in Baltimore. I am not feeling so thoroughly haunted by death right now. I feel its presence in my life, for sure...but I feel like it has stepped back a little for now. In spite of the fact that I have been feeling the dark presence of death in my life for so many weeks now, there is still something in me that wants to live. And not only to just live day by day, going through the motions. But to LIVE out loud, to live deep and rich and full. Maybe the presence of death has refueled my desire to live. To really live.