Listening beneath the Maple

I awoke this morning at 6am because I had accepted a sub teaching job today...cold and dark, the sun hadn't even given a hint of light yet. I only slept for about six hours last night, and that's definitely not enough for me. But I spent some time lying there in bed, loving my little Friday companion, who was purring and looking at me askance, as if wondering "why are you awake before the sun?" Just as I arrived at the school, the sun was beginning to illuminate the sky, and tendrils of deep rose were glowing in the distance. Another beautiful morning, and another blessing of witnessing the sun shedding light upon the day.

Italian. I don't know much, and can't be of much help here. As usual, the kids are thrilled that there's a sub, and on a Friday. And I totally understand their joy, that the last day of the week might be a little more chill than usual. Fortunately, I'm the kind of sub who knows that, and I don't have anything to prove here. Especially after last weekend's workshop on using NVC in the classroom, I am keeping a mantra - my purpose here is to connect. I am only here a brief time, and am not able to actually manage much in the teaching realm. But I can offer a smile, some kindness, compassion and connection as I cross their paths today. And I have been feeling really good with that. I'm not here to lay down the law, to have my ego fed with power, or to make demands upon anyone. Who knows, maybe these moments of authentic connection, when they occur, will actually touch someone today. As a friend said recently, my employer is God.

It has been a pretty easy schedule today. I had the first period off, and again for fourth period. Fourth period is a long block of two hours, and while I have lots of books with me, I decided that a walk would feel good. To get away from this artificial environment and fluorescent lighting. To breathe the cool fall air, and connect to myself and the day through the rhythm of footsteps. And it was wonderful. I thought it would be good to walk for half an hour in each direction, and set out. Then, I found a beautiful maple leaf on the sidewalk. I bent and picked it up...it was just barely blushing from yellow to rose. I walked on, with it in my hand. Then, in front of me, I walked into maple tree heaven! There were small maple trees on both sides of the street, blushing to their full glory! My mind considered pushing onward with my walk, following the plan, but I just couldn't! I mean, how could I pass those trees without stopping?

I stood beneath one of them. The reddest leaves were on the outside of her canopy, and more inward, the leaves were a creamy lemon yellow. Standing beneath her, I was pulled into a different world. As I faced in, I was covered in yellow softness. As I faced out, I was embraced in the warm orange and red glow. I sat down, facing the trunk of the maple tree, and sat quietly. I began to breathe and meditate, bringing my mind back to the present. Listening: the faint rustle of leaves was usually overshadowed by the cars coming and going along the two lane road just behind me. But even listening to the cars, coming from each direction, was soothing and simple. Then, I shifted my attention to feeling: the wind on my arms, my face, in my hair. The coolness of the damp earth beneath me. And I began to tune into my body.

I began to feel the wholeness of my heartache. The embodied experience of heartache that doesn't require me to have any thoughts about the passing of Familiar kitty, or of living and dying. I tuned into this bodily experience, and explored it with the same curiosity and openness that I experienced externally just moments before. I turned my attention to listening within that feeling. And what I felt arise was the desire to just sit with these sensations as they arise. "What you resist persists" was a central idea that came to me time and time again in Peru. And this morning, as I sat beneath the blushing maple, I heard my body asking for this teaching to be taken in more deeply. To not resist what is coming up within me, but to sit with each sensation, to hold space for each one to arise and pass. And I practiced this for some time.

My body asked me to move, to stretch. I began to stretch my neck and head, then my shoulders. Then, I realized that I was deeply craving some of the simple warmups from Kundalini yoga. There was a small voice inside of me that said, "but you're sitting along the road, next to a shopping center, and down the street from McDonalds...really, yoga here?" And I said to myself, "absolutely!" So, I began to rotate my body from the waist, slowly moving into the space that I inhabit. I began to rotate from my chest, next, and then moved through some spinal flexes. I finished with some slow, simple stretches to the side and forward, and some twists. My body felt so wonderful! What a blessing it was to take this walk to this beautiful tree, and then to spend some time listening within and honoring my body's needs. I walked back to the school, feeling serene and content.

Here I sit, now, waiting for the next class to begin. Reading "Peaceable Revolution Through Education" and observing all the ways that this school, like most others, does not meet many of the basic needs of human beings. I'm trying not to feel frustrated by the lack of windows in any of the classrooms, or the teacher workroom, where I've spent much time today. I wonder, how did we get here, to creating education space that is so sterile and dehumanizing...but that is a conversation for another day and another time. r

Living in Service

Overcast, gray sky. Less cool than yesterday. (I learned in Peru that on days that the sky was overcast, it was warmer.) Still and quiet, save for the motors rumbling and the neighbors - teenage girl, that is - talking loudly and slamming doors. But in spite of that, it still feels quiet, I suppose I am feeling quiet inside myself.

So many things swirling around in me right now. Ideas, feelings, questions.

I just received an email from a friend who has been travelling in Southeast Asia for some time now. She was lucky to be unaffected by the recent natural disasters in the area, and is talking about heading to the Phillippines to volunteer with Hands On Disaster Response if they set up an operation there. And my mind wanders back to my short time in Peru, doing the same...that's where I met her, in fact. What hard work it was! Bricklaying and mixing concrete, and busting up the remains of old buildings with a sledgehammer and pickax, and shoveling out load upon load of rubble. Not only that, being in a place destroyed by a natural disaster doesn't afford much opportunity to wander down to the coffee shop for a little quiet time and writing...haha! It was a challenge to be in the midst of a bunch of volunteers with big hearts and able bodies, but a lot of partying and drinking. But it was such a beautiful thing to work so hard for the good of humanity, without asking anything in return. Just amazing!

As a part of my Anatomy & Physiology class last semester, I was required to do "service learning." A list of "pertinent" organizations had been provided to students, most of which were involved with standard western healthcare. Having no interest in supporting those organizations with free labor, I chose to volunteer for Our Daily Bread in Baltimore. This organization offers one free meal a day to anyone who shows up, no questions asked. I had hoped to experience a meaningful connection with people in the community - both those who we were serving and my fellow volunteers. And it did my heart so much good to just offer people bread, to laugh with them, to honor their humanity (which isn't what the Baltimore homeless experience on a daily basis, I'm guessing). But some of the fellow volunteers were beyond difficult to work with. My first day, I was criticized for serving too much vegetarian food on each plate (which was my job) - and there wasn't enough left over for the volunteers to have a free lunch of mac and cheese. I couldn't believe it...this man was a regular volunteer, and a devoted Catholic, and he was irritated that I gave too much food away to the freeloaders...

One of the best books I've ever, ever read is "Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson. In the realm of serving humanity, he is a Saint. The story begins with him attempting a climb of K2, the 2nd highest mountain on Earth. He fails, after having to do an emergency rescue of a fellow climber, and sets off toward "civilization." He ends up lost on the glacier, and stumbles into a tiny, off-the-map village: Korphe, Pakistan. They feed him, care for him, give him a place to sleep, and after a few days, he fell in love with the whole village, promising to return and build a school for the children of the village. All in all, this amazing man built more than fifty schools in a remote part of Pakistan, offering the only alternative to the fundamentalist "madrassas" in the region, which were training schools for extremists. He managed this on his own, learning the languages of each region, and building personal trust with the villages and even the Mullahs - he was pretty much a hero in the area. I have never wept more reading any book in my life. My heart was opened again and again, sometimes painfully so - to read the real story of a man living right now who was devoted to bringing more good to the world for no other reason than the good of that! He is an incredible inspiration to me, and reminds me of what my own power in this world can be, if I offer my service from the heart, and work to make my visions into reality. If you haven't read this book, please do!

So, that brings me back to the idea of right livelihood. When I returned from Peru in August 2008, I knew that some things in my life would need to change. Realizing that not everyone is willing or able to go through the deep, cathartic healing that Mother Ayahuasca brings, I was guided to begin working in ways that offer healing to others. I followed my love of plants into doing a class in Medicinal Aromatherapy - which has changed my life! I followed my inner guidance, too, in finishing my Reiki training and becoming a Reiki master - in order to pass along this amazing healing energy to those who wish to work with it. And now, I am nearly finished with massage school, which will allow me to bring healing and peace to those who come to me for massage. These things hardly seem to compare to building schools in rural Pakistan, or to volunteering my time to help communities recover after major disasters have struck, but it is a step in the direction that I want to live. I feel deeply moved for my life to be lived in service in meaningful ways. I want to live beyond Self, beyond my own needs and desires, to give my energy to things that really do help others to live more meaningful lives, too.

One more thing that is surfacing after last night's chair massage event at school is how to navigate my own sensitivities, energetically. I gave five or so chair massages, each between 10-15 minutes long. And when I left, I felt like the residue of all of those people was still with me. I used Spikenard oil before going to work, to keep me grounded, and in tune with people. And I did feel grounded and in tune with people, very much! But what is an interesting conundrum is how to be in tune with people, and then how to walk away completely. I posted this question on facebook last night, and received a couple of helpful answers: bath salts, and closing the energy lock behind the teeth. I also received a lot of advice that I just don't connect with - visualization and intention stuff. I feel like those are techniques that are fed by the New Age movement, and the whole notion of manifestation that comes from "The Secret." And I'm so happy that they work for a lot of people. But to me, they just don't have any power - I can imagine myself in circles, but that just creates more noise in my own energy field. Too, the deeper I go into my own work with Medicines, the more sensitive my energy field becomes...it would be beyond worthwhile to dedicate my next ceremony to this question. I have received great insight in the past, including the idea of "closing the gates" energetically...but now, I feel that I need a practice that will allow me to move through the energies that I pick up *after the fact.* Bath salts sound like a really good idea. But beyond that, I'm still sending the question out there to the Universe.

First day of Fall

The first day of fall, the autumnal equinox 2009. Time of shifting, of changing, of surrender. The season of harvesting what is ripe, of gathering the goods of a season's sunlight, and of going inside. I have usually declared fall my favorite season, and that still seems fitting to me today. There is some un-nameable quality that comes with the first chill in the air, a quality of longing, of bittersweet, of the sweetness of letting go. I love this time.

Creating this blog came to me just moments ago, completely spontaneous. Several friends of mine have decided in the past few years to track their lives for one year. One friend kept a blog, another is journalling her year in photographs. I have never felt particularly inclined, before now, to keep a daily live-journal style blog...but tonight something came over me, and I decided to indulge it. Here we are.

I am entering this fall season with great reflection. When we entered fall last year, I had just returned from a truly transformative trip to Peru. I had spent 2 1/2 months living in Pisac, participating in ceremony, and the dark, difficult stuff in my life had all been stirred up, shaken well, and much of it purged. I entered last fall with the clarity that my life needed to change in some major external ways to align with the inner changes that had come in Peru.

The biggest change that came was following the inner guidance that was leading me in a new path in terms of "right livelihood" and work. I did an aromatherapy training course with my dear friend Amy, and that was just incredible! I also decided to finish my Reiki training so that I could teach Reiki to others. The biggest piece was deciding to go to massage school. And now, I am a little more than two months from finishing that!

And too, I returned to Peru for most of the month of August this year. Not nearly long enough, but plenty powerful nonetheless. I can see how the changes that needed to come in my life following last year's journey were very much in the realm of healing my worldly life: relationships to others, relationship with work, relationship with myself. But this year's journey has brought much more subtle layers of work, in realms that are difficult to articulate, but no less powerful.

Part of what has been challenging me since I returned from Peru this year is not at all new: the cultural chasm between here and there. I long for community in my bones, I long to live in my heart all the time, I long to live as simply as I can. And that is so difficult to do in the midst of a culture that lives in isolated suburbs, that honors the mind above all else, and values nothing more than excessive consumption under the label "abundance." I have been feeling like a fish out of water. Or worse, a fish in toxic water, who knows she's in toxic water, and can't seem to find a way out of the fishbowl.

One of the most powerful messages I had in ceremony in Peru this year was about how I sometimes feel stuck, totally powerless. And I have seen that emerge since I have returned home...but I have seen it for what it is, with full consciousness. And I see the ways that I WANT something to be different, but when I feel powerless, I don't realize that I can CREATE something in the direction of what I'm wanting...

My dear friend Aleksandra has posted the following on her facebook page:

"if you want to know your past look at your present moment, if you want to know your future, look at what you are doing now"

When I read this tonight for about the hundredth time, I decided to create this blog. To track my own process. In order to look more at what I am doing now to more consciously create my future. I know what I struggle with, what makes me crazy, what makes me feel like I have no place in the very culture I was born into. I also know that what I resist will persist. So, I foresee this blog being a couple things. I see it being a process of holding myself accountable for my very own desires...for seeing how the present moment shows up based on the tendencies of my past, and to stand in a place of powerfulness in this present moment, to create a future that is moving in the direction of my desires. I also see this blog as an experiment in total authenticity and honesty...I am not writing for you, but you may read if you wish. I do this all the time on paper, but tend to write for others when I know it will potentially be "seen." This blog isn't meant to be entertaining or witty, nor will I censor or edit. Finally, I see this blog as an interesting way of following my own life for one year...with some regularity I hope.

I want to write a bit about the name I chose for the blog, but that will need to wait for another day. Enough for now.

Lokah samastha sukino bhavantu.