Listening beneath the Maple

I awoke this morning at 6am because I had accepted a sub teaching job today...cold and dark, the sun hadn't even given a hint of light yet. I only slept for about six hours last night, and that's definitely not enough for me. But I spent some time lying there in bed, loving my little Friday companion, who was purring and looking at me askance, as if wondering "why are you awake before the sun?" Just as I arrived at the school, the sun was beginning to illuminate the sky, and tendrils of deep rose were glowing in the distance. Another beautiful morning, and another blessing of witnessing the sun shedding light upon the day.

Italian. I don't know much, and can't be of much help here. As usual, the kids are thrilled that there's a sub, and on a Friday. And I totally understand their joy, that the last day of the week might be a little more chill than usual. Fortunately, I'm the kind of sub who knows that, and I don't have anything to prove here. Especially after last weekend's workshop on using NVC in the classroom, I am keeping a mantra - my purpose here is to connect. I am only here a brief time, and am not able to actually manage much in the teaching realm. But I can offer a smile, some kindness, compassion and connection as I cross their paths today. And I have been feeling really good with that. I'm not here to lay down the law, to have my ego fed with power, or to make demands upon anyone. Who knows, maybe these moments of authentic connection, when they occur, will actually touch someone today. As a friend said recently, my employer is God.

It has been a pretty easy schedule today. I had the first period off, and again for fourth period. Fourth period is a long block of two hours, and while I have lots of books with me, I decided that a walk would feel good. To get away from this artificial environment and fluorescent lighting. To breathe the cool fall air, and connect to myself and the day through the rhythm of footsteps. And it was wonderful. I thought it would be good to walk for half an hour in each direction, and set out. Then, I found a beautiful maple leaf on the sidewalk. I bent and picked it up...it was just barely blushing from yellow to rose. I walked on, with it in my hand. Then, in front of me, I walked into maple tree heaven! There were small maple trees on both sides of the street, blushing to their full glory! My mind considered pushing onward with my walk, following the plan, but I just couldn't! I mean, how could I pass those trees without stopping?

I stood beneath one of them. The reddest leaves were on the outside of her canopy, and more inward, the leaves were a creamy lemon yellow. Standing beneath her, I was pulled into a different world. As I faced in, I was covered in yellow softness. As I faced out, I was embraced in the warm orange and red glow. I sat down, facing the trunk of the maple tree, and sat quietly. I began to breathe and meditate, bringing my mind back to the present. Listening: the faint rustle of leaves was usually overshadowed by the cars coming and going along the two lane road just behind me. But even listening to the cars, coming from each direction, was soothing and simple. Then, I shifted my attention to feeling: the wind on my arms, my face, in my hair. The coolness of the damp earth beneath me. And I began to tune into my body.

I began to feel the wholeness of my heartache. The embodied experience of heartache that doesn't require me to have any thoughts about the passing of Familiar kitty, or of living and dying. I tuned into this bodily experience, and explored it with the same curiosity and openness that I experienced externally just moments before. I turned my attention to listening within that feeling. And what I felt arise was the desire to just sit with these sensations as they arise. "What you resist persists" was a central idea that came to me time and time again in Peru. And this morning, as I sat beneath the blushing maple, I heard my body asking for this teaching to be taken in more deeply. To not resist what is coming up within me, but to sit with each sensation, to hold space for each one to arise and pass. And I practiced this for some time.

My body asked me to move, to stretch. I began to stretch my neck and head, then my shoulders. Then, I realized that I was deeply craving some of the simple warmups from Kundalini yoga. There was a small voice inside of me that said, "but you're sitting along the road, next to a shopping center, and down the street from McDonalds...really, yoga here?" And I said to myself, "absolutely!" So, I began to rotate my body from the waist, slowly moving into the space that I inhabit. I began to rotate from my chest, next, and then moved through some spinal flexes. I finished with some slow, simple stretches to the side and forward, and some twists. My body felt so wonderful! What a blessing it was to take this walk to this beautiful tree, and then to spend some time listening within and honoring my body's needs. I walked back to the school, feeling serene and content.

Here I sit, now, waiting for the next class to begin. Reading "Peaceable Revolution Through Education" and observing all the ways that this school, like most others, does not meet many of the basic needs of human beings. I'm trying not to feel frustrated by the lack of windows in any of the classrooms, or the teacher workroom, where I've spent much time today. I wonder, how did we get here, to creating education space that is so sterile and dehumanizing...but that is a conversation for another day and another time. r

Change

I am home again, back in my own house, sitting in my own bed, beneath the warm blankets. The night is cold and quiet, and I am joyous to have a sweet golden kitty on my knee. He purrs on and on, completely content with this moment. I am completely content with this moment, too.

So much is changing in my life. I had dinner with a friend tonight, and through our conversation, I began to realize some deeper shifting that is happening. I reflected back to 9/11, perhaps the first time in my life that I had ever been called to think of my life in terms of living and dying, and what I wanted for my life. At that time, I was teaching flute lessons at a music store in Ellicott City, more than forty students, and five days a week. I was living in a small apartment complex that was okay, but not great. I didn't connect with people there, I didn't know my neighbors. I spent a lot of time commuting. And at the time 9/11 happened, I was also subbing for a friend of mine who had just had a baby, and needed a teacher for her beginning instrumental music classes. I was all over the place, I was working nonstop, and my life didn't feel rich. 9/11 struck me in the gut, with so much sorrow and so much fear surrounding me. It was right around then when I turned off the TV, turned off the radio, and walked away from most print media, too. Something inside of me was calling for another way of living, one that felt more meaningful. And a few months later, I moved to Oella.

In the years since I came to Oella, so much big change has happened in my life! I became interwoven into an amazing community, both in my neighborhood, and on Main Street. I began working in music totally as a freelancer, with a music studio in my house. I began to travel the world, and began my spiritual path for real. I started to write, and went to Goddard for my master's degree program. I broke away from my family of origin, and have now healed the old wounds there. I have redefined pretty much every part of my life, cleaned out the old cobwebs, and claimed it for what is truly in my heart. All of this came from my willingness to feel the deep question that came from the events surrounding 9/11: if I were to die in a year, what would I want to be different?

And now, another major event has come into my life surrounding life and death: the passing of my first little love, my life's companion for so many years, my Familiar kitty. Once more, I am faced with the question: is my life totally in line with my heart's true joy? Life is so ephemeral, and death is always so close. Is there anything that I need to release here in order to truly live fully?

I have thought of moving to Peru for a long time now. A LONG time. It has called out to me for years. I have felt more at home there than anywhere else, and have found deep peace in my experiences there, both in ceremony, in connecting with the people, and in the land of the Andes mountains. And I promised myself a long time ago that I would not run away to Peru. That I would only move there if I was running *to* something, not escaping anything. But honestly, every time I have considered living there, I have always been considering the ways of living and thinking and being that I would love to leave behind. Peru has awakened me on a lot of levels, and opened my heart and mind so deeply! But even now, if I were to move to Peru, I would be going there as a refugee from a culture that I feel no connection with, that doesn't meet my deepest needs.

This weekend, while at the Compassionate Classrooms workshop in Durham, NC, I had the blessing of connecting with some really wonderful people. I attended as a teaching artist, not a classroom teacher, as many of the attendees were. And beyond the wonderful ideas for using NVC in my work in classrooms and arts integration programs, I was surprised to feel something else stirring...something old and familiar that breaks free now and then, the lioness of idealism within me roaring to dive in deep in order to bring change to the world. This inner lioness was stirred up, too, by one of the wonderful facilitators of the workshop, Catherine...who is quite the lioness herself.

So, today as I drove the five hours north from Durham to home, I found this inner lioness purring and prodding me to think about some things that keep coming up for me. The biggest piece is about wanting to really live my life in service of others, and in a way that makes a real difference. I want my life on this planet to matter! And this feeling wells up from within me strong like a river, like a moth flying toward a flame. Over and over, the way that has come up is in the realm of teaching. I have considered going to school to receive my teaching license many times, most recently last fall, right around now. But each time, what has stopped me is the bullshit that surrounds being a teacher! Once, it was the requirements of the school that halted me. I simply couldn't imagine having to go back and take freshman level "requirements" like algebra and PE, just in order to qualify for a music teaching certification. I walked away. And since, I have considered what would be needed to do a master's degree in education...it would take 1 1/2 years, most likely...but when I consider what the job would actually look like, I have felt disheartened and again, walked away. I figured that at best, I would connect with kids and be a great teacher...and at worst, I would be seen as a subverter of the system, and fired. But now, once more the idea is surfacing. Oh, the thought of being a classroom teacher who is *also* an arts integration specialist, and who is *also* passionate about NVC! Oh, the thought of it just makes me buzz!

What if I could be a strong, loving presence in the classroom, and work to change the system from the inside out? What if I could drop my feelings of powerlessness to make any change in the world, and step into my power, beginning to create the world I want to live in? Today as I sat with all of this, the thing that flashed like lightning through my mind was "huh...I don't need to move to Peru after all." I can stay right here in my own country and instead of feeling like a failing martyr, I can stand full and strong in my power, and work to make change from the ground of peace and love. Peace and love as *practices* and not just hippie ideals. Peace and love with tools and vision and community. Now that's worth waking up for in the morning.

No hurry here. I am just grateful to sit present with these ideas as they come, and am grateful to feel supported in considering the real possibilities. But just like the months that followed 9/11, I feel a strong wind of change blowing through my life. And I am ready and willing to bow to its guidance, and follow the truths that emerge.

Leaving Durham

What an amazing weekend this has been. Truly a blessing during a time in my life when I needed it the most. This has been a time of going into deep questions, of connecting with my desires to turn love into action, and of experiencing community around those questions and desires. I have been able to hold space for myself in this time of mourning without having to go into seclusion, and have been able to engage in meaningful experiences and conversations with wonderful people, and without ever feeling the need to turn the sad, hurting parts of myself away. It has been a weekend of both/and instead of either/or. In NVC language, it has been a time of "power with" instead of "power over." And I am feeling deeply nourished.

Tonight I had a long, wonderful conversation with Eileen, my gracious host and dear new soul sister. She is a strong, yet gentle woman, with a huge heart, and rich laughter. I have enjoyed hearing stories about her life, connecting in a really rich, authentic way. And I greatly appreciate the space to be who I am, to say anything, to ride the wave of life as it shows up...an amazing gift she has offered me. I have been talking so much lately about how I am coming into a time of truly accepting and loving myself, of being able to show up authentically without fear of judgement or not being accepted. But each time this shows up in my life with a new person, it gives me strength in this new way of being. It gives me confidence in this new, vulnerable way of living in the world, and encourages me to feed it, water it. And it is an ever-giving way of living...the more I am accepted, the more I am able to embrace others with that same acceptance, which delivers more of the same to me, on and on and on.

When I start to get excited about this way of living in the world, I can get so carried away, and start writing in a way that is ecstatic and beatific, and what I do notice when that happens is that I lose the connection with others, and with this world. I am wanting to observe that more in my life to see how it shows up. The energy that I feel in this excitement is an energy that moves me powerfully to express what it is that I'm feeling. The energy moves up and out in a rush. There is a part of me that is wondering how it would feel to approach things in another way. Not to repress the power of the feeling of excitement, but to allow it to simmer and deepen instead of exploding out of me in the form of words or action. What would it be like if I could simply sit with that intense living energy, and allow it to live within me? When the flames of the fire are licking the logs and dancing high, the fire is beautiful, but it is when the flames die down and the logs start to glow that the fire becomes mature, and the heat really radiates. I just wonder how this same principle might work in my own life. Hmmm...

As I prepare to return home tomorrow morning, I am feeling glad to return to my bed and my kitty. It will be wonderful to connect with the beautiful people in my life, and to begin the walk in my life once more, with more time having passed since Familiar kitty died. I am still feeling sadness about his passing every single day. I am still feeling the intensity of the impact of his passing on my body. I am thinking that having an acupuncture session early in the week would be wonderful if I can get that scheduled, for sure. And I am finding a real need to remember to stay present to my own experience and feelings, instead of pushing them away in the name of convenience or being "strong." I want to return to the soft place that this loss has opened in me, to stay connected to my heart even as life goes on.

Peace Possibilities

It's cold outside tonight. Almost as cold as last night. Quiet, so quiet, only an occasional car driving in the distance, and the crickets singing, and the wind in the trees. And now, purring. Friday kitty has settled near me, and is purring loudly. Such a comforting, soothing sound, that is.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I'm going to attend a Nonviolent Communication workshop geared toward teachers, which is something I've been hoping to find for almost a year. It is in Durham, NC, someplace I've never been before. I am excited that this will count as my professional development training for the year through the Choral Arts Society, and that they will fund the registration fee...which makes it possible for me to attend a workshop like this, which came up out of the blue a couple weeks ago. And I found out earlier today that someone there is willing to host me for the weekend, so I won't have to pay for a hotel. Awesome!

I am so grateful for Nonviolent Communication. I sure have a lot to learn, that is really clear. But these trainings have given me real-life meaningful tools to learn to listen better, both to other people and to myself. What am I feeling? What are the needs that are/are not being met? Empathy used to be a vague idea to me, something that was at best, Buddha-like compassion, and at least, a thin cover for pity. But now I understand the truth of it - empathy is merely a practice of showing up, listening to what needs to be heard, and having no agenda in that process. The last part is so important, too...and so hard!

The tools I am gathering through NVC are much like the tools I am gathering in our Wisdom Circles. Listening is the heart of it. For years and years I wished to be a better listener. I wanted to be able to show up for people and take in what they had to offer in conversation. But much of the time, I just couldn't do it. I have so much energy, so many things to say, so many ideas of how to change the world! But in that last bit came the downfall of the first two - I came with an agenda. To fix what needed fixing. To save the world, that was my goal. But I didn't understand that to save the world, all I would need to do is hold space for others to give birth to their truths, while giving birth to my own, too.

It is a hard thing, to listen to problems, complaints, suffering, confusion, drama. I find myself wanting to offer solutions and ideas, ways to make things better. And the heart of that is sincere, pure. I want to help! More than anything, I want to help! But what I am learning one day at a time is that help doesn't mean offering my own ideas most of the time. It means merely offering my presence and my open mind and heart, and merely listening, and accepting what is offered without judgement. Little by little, this is beginning to happen more easily.

The workshop at hand fills me with new excitement - what if NVC could be offered to little kids in Washington, DC, built into programs that fit my current work as a teaching artist? What if little kids from bad neighborhoods could learn that there are other ways of dealing with people and problems besides violence in action and in words? What if little kids could be given the true freedom to express what needs expressing, feel what they feel, and have people listen to them with respect? It's probably a long shot - kids who grow up in violent households won't be utterly transformed in five short visits from me. But I have hope that I can plant a seed. In little minds and hearts. In teachers. In classrooms. Nothing would be more fulfilling than to find ways of bringing peace into the lives of these kids...peace, not as an abstract idea, but as a practice, a way of life. Yeah!

Possibilities brewing...

Today has been another full day, and I have once more fallen out of rhythm with my day. But the rhythm that has come today has been so valuable. I spent today at the second day of the Nonviolent Communication workshop, and it was so moving in so many ways. I am feeling inspired and connected with people who have the same needs and desires that I have, and affirmed in the way that I yearn to live.

Peace. Service. Community. Connection. Heartfelt. These are all ways that this weekend met some very deep needs in my life. I am grateful. I am also feeling very, very tired, and not fully able to dive into the whole thing right now. What I am needing in this moment is a hot bath, and a long sleep.

I have some things stirring, too. I am feeling very much called to dive into the question, "what does it mean to be a woman today?" To look into the ways that the culture defines that, the ways that feminism has affected that, and what feels most meaningful to me right now - what that means in connection to the Earth, the natural world, and my own inner nature. I am very much looking forward to diving into this, and another day.

I am also very much feeling grateful for the depth of heart connection I have experienced this weekend. In addition to the NVC workshop, MC Yogi was in Washington, DC last night, and it was fun and so inspiring!

I am feeling very full. Full of possibilities, full of inspiration. Also, in a place of surrender - but just at the edge of it - and considering what I must let go of in order for the possibilities to fully reveal themselves and be fleshed out. I am willing to let go. And I'm not feeling so scared about that right now. In fact, I'm feeling too connected to feel any fear. Mmm...I am going to savor this for the rest of the evening.