Sometimes clarity comes like a bolt of lightning, showing the way to the deepest truth. In those moments, there is no fear, no hesitation, no doubt, no questioning. When this clarity comes, its revelation is powerful and alters everything in the way of its full realization. This past weekend was full of these kind of epiphanies. I was given the gift of profound insight and clarity, and my heart was opened all the way to the sky, knowing that love and courage are powerful, and that they will always lead me home, to my heart.
In the depths of night, these flashes of truth are the very ground of being. But with morning light, I found myself re-emerging in the world, and in the reality I have created for myself. My choices – whether conscious or unconscious – have created the circumstances of my life. And this is the truth of real-life karma – the laws of cause and effect. I am bound by my choices, my thoughts, my actions. But I am also grateful for these experiences of profound insight to offer me an opportunity to make different choices. I have the opportunity to recreate my life in every moment. That is what I am sitting with now: staying connected to my truth and listen to my heart, even when my past choices come flooding the moment with their fallout. I also see right now that everything in this life is like a sandcastle – the waters will come and wash everything away.
There was a moment in Saturday night's ceremony when I experienced a strange moment of deja vu. I was sure that we had just finished singing the 53rd hymn, but suddenly we were on the 51st. I looked down at my book, not finding the words that were being sung, and looked ahead of me, seeking the number of the one we were on. I was stunned by my discovery, that somehow I was ahead...yet I had been singing along and had found no discrepancy before... I was puzzled, but given the insight that sometimes life gives us these kinds of blessed opportunities – to move back in time with ease and without hesitation. Life always offers the chance to make new choices, to step into deeper truth, more profound love, to embrace authenticity. These are things I have longed for in my life, and things that I have pursued with passion for years. But this weekend, life ushered me into this in a whole new way.
What does it really mean to follow my heart? And how do I let go of things, while connected both to the clarity I feel and the love and kindness in my heart? Not only that, but what do I do with the noise that surrounds me – actual noise, psychic noise, and mental noise – as I try to listen to my heart? Most of us haven't been taught how to live from the heart, to live from truth and love – I know that I haven't been, anyway. Doubt and hesitation are nipping at my ankles at this point. It's a real challenge to walk in this world and to make choices from the perspective of my highest truth – there is support for that, for sure, but there is much more unconsciousness that surrounds me. People are often just trying to get by in the world, doing the best they can in the moment. But that's not my way, it never has been. I am a Warrior, fighting to live in my highest truth, connected to the deepest desires of my heart.
I have basic needs that must be met in life in order to take care of my body and worldly existence. We all have that. But I also have deeper needs, needs that fulfill my heart's desire, my spiritual evolution. These are food for the Soul, and we all have that too, but it tends to be neglected more easily. And to the degree that the heart and spirit are neglected, we are filled with anger and sorrow, and our lives become full of despair and meaninglessness. We then make choices that contribute to our superficial, fleeting happiness. We entertain ourselves and drink and smoke and have relationships and buy things and have life that fulfills the bare minimum needs that must be met so that we don't just kill ourselves overtly. But in those choices, we are killing ourselves slowly, and the misery and flatness that fills our lives erodes our connection to our deepest truth, and to our heart. What we are left with is hostility, bitterness, hollowness, shallowness. And to me, this life isn't worth living.
It's easy to generalize and observe this around me. To speak in words of “we” and “they” without taking it into myself, my own life. But that is where I must take this – into my own life, my own heart and soul. How have I been compromising the depth of my heart? How have I settled for shallowness and escapism and fleeting happiness? In what ways do I need to reinvest myself in my own heart's deepest joy? My work. My creativity. My love life. My contribution to the world. Even some of my most basic needs.
I have been lonely and full of longing. I have been lost in the ways that I fit into the world, in the ways that I contribute. I have been hesitant to offer myself with boldness in my creative pursuits. And I have wanted to stick my head in the sand and not deal with some of the most basic things. I have made as few choices as necessary to get by in the world. I have been trying to survive, to just get by. And all the time, I never quite saw that in myself. I have always wanted to embrace my truth, to be loyal to my highest dreams, and to honor my life's visions. But I now see that I haven't been doing that. I have not been bold. I have not been committed. I have not been willing to take risks. I have not wanted to trust that the Universe is conspiring to give me exactly what I want. I have not believed that it was possible to really have the life I want. I have not believed that I deserve to have everything that I long for in this life. I have not always been this way – but in the last year, I see how I have moved in that direction. And now, I have seen the light...
It takes boldness and courage to stand up in the light of day and ask life for exactly what I want. I have been taught that I should take what I get and be happy with that, and that I shouldn't ask for too much because that's selfish. I have been taught that life will be full of pain and suffering, and that my dreams are never going to actually come to fruition, because that never happens. I have always laughed in the face of these kinds of beliefs, balking at such small-minded misery. And in spite of that, I see how I have believed the very things I balked at. Not consciously, and certainly not admittedly. But I have.
I want to live my life with passion and boldness, truth and love. It will take courage to step beyond doubt and fear. It will also take clarity and commitment to continue moving toward my heart's true desire. And I am moving in that direction, one day at a time. I have been passionately inspired to put together a benefit concert to raise funds for the flooding in Peru – and the creative component of that is in complete alignment with what I truly yearn to do, musically. I have longed to find ways to contribute my time and energy to something meaningful and fulfilling, for my life to be of service in a greater way. I have known what I was willing to walk away from, but hadn't had a clear picture of what I wanted to move toward. Now, I am moving in that direction. This project will be amazing, and I am stepping beyond the inertia that settled into my musical life years ago.
I have been stirring in the realm of love relationship, as well. For so much of my life, I haven't put too much value in relationships – feeling that they were a distraction more than anything. I have really come to hear the longing in my heart, though. I am longing for a relationship that will truly transform me, to surrender to the practice of love that will utterly pierce my heart. I have been in relationships that were just fine, that served some small need in my life at the time, but none have had the potential to really, truly bless my life in a profound way and leave me changed. I don't care so much about the comforts of sharing life, of having an other half, of having a routine and rhythm that includes another in my day-to-day existence – although those things are fine and wonderful, and I would welcome them. I do care about entering into a relationship based in the deepest possible love, Love that transcends two individuals with bodies and needs. A relationship that is rooted in personal growth and evolution, in spiritual practice – and a relationship that IS spiritual practice. A relationship that is kind and gentle and bold and clear and real and passionate and spacious and deep. One that is grounded in reality and full of acceptance and honesty and good communication. I have always had so much love to offer, and have offered it freely. But now, I am also ready to open my heart, to be vulnerable, and to allow love to enter me, to pierce me, to transform me into a servant of Love in ways that I have never felt, but have intuited. I will accept none less, and I know that I deserve none less.
Whole-hearted living. That is my mantra now. Letting go of fear and complacency. That is my mantra now. I don't need to wait for life to give me these things, to show me the way to these things, to encourage me to choose these things, for others to live it by example. Nope, I need to embrace them within myself because I know they are the key to living my truth, living authentically, living my heart's desire. The only person who will suffer if I choose anything less is me. But the best part of it is that if I choose to live this way, in spite of all doubt, fear, and adversity, I will inspire others to do the same, and will be working to create the world I want to live in, one day at a time. Now, that's worth it.
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