Beyond Mind

Last Friday I made a breakthrough. I allowed myself to sink down past the surface level of my emotional reactivity that was triggered by random things that have little to do with my life. And I came into contact with a pit of fiery anger that boils within me unconsciously, deep down, holding me back from living the fullness of the Love that is my true nature. I held nothing back, and allowed the anger to speak what it has stuffed down inside of me and hidden for years and years. For once, I suspended the tight grip that I hold on what I allow to fly out of my mouth - or my hand - and let it rip. I set aside the part of myself that is "evolved" and "wouldn't dare speak such a thing" and I let go of words and thoughts that have been fermenting in the depth of my psyche. I let it all fly, and what came out was, initially, the height of "jackal" speaking, within the realm of NVC. My jackals howled and wailed and hissed and spat. I hurled it all forth. And it began to mutate, from deep anger and bitterness to some sense of perspective, then to seeing how it all connects to the deepest Truth and Love that reside within my being. These dark places, when held back, will always keep me from living the deepest Truth and Love possible.

This is the part - the free and uninhibited release of the Jackals to speak their piece - that has held me back for so long. The part of me that has held it all back has said, "oh, it's fine really, there's nothing wrong, I don't have any of that kind of stuff in me." And that hasn't been working - it has been a cover up of the pain and deep wounds within me that long to be healed, but cannot be healed until I am willing to see them and allow them to come out into the light of day. The poison must be drained from the wounds in order for the wounds to heal.

Here's the thing - I KNOW beyond any doubt that I AM NOT my MIND. I KNOW that this poison that flew out of my mind and through my hands is not the truth of who I am. I know that it is garbage that must purged. I know that there is a much deeper place of truth within me, that is the very core of my being, and the very core of all beings. But as long as I hold it in, pretend it's not there, and live in deep denial, pasting on a false identity with all those I know, and creating a life built around that, I will be living with little authenticity. The love I offer and feel will be small and conditional, based in illusion - essentially living a lie. And I also see that when people - myself certainly included - live in this degree of unawareness of their own pain, with no sense of self-reflection, and with no longing to heal and release these wounds with their poison and pain, they just continue to create a world based in the very same lies and wounds and pain. I am deep, deep, deep in the process of unlearning this way of being. I am not willing to live this way any longer. I want only to live authentically. I want only to live in Love, Truth, Peace, and Joy. I will not settle for less.

But I am now caught by the reactions others have had to my words. I should probably have had better discretion and considered the potential reaction of other people before posting my writing online. There are those who have no idea what I am talking about here - those who still identify with their minds, and believe all the thoughts in there, and must adamantly repress anything that doesn't fit with their version of reality. Those who can't comprehend that the mind, when not thoroughly disciplined to be in service of the heart, is the epitome of madness, running and spinning on its eternal hamster wheel. Monkey mind, as the Buddhists call it. I am grateful to know that I am not my mind. I am grateful to be able to listen to these kinds of thoughts - bitter, angry, harsh ones - and listen more deeply to them and what they have to tell me. I am grateful that my spiritual path has helped me to cultivate a sense of observation much of the time, and that this observer is able to allow thoughts to pass in all their wildness, and to maintain a sense of objectivity much of the time. Certainly not always. There sure are times when I am caught up in emotional response - as when my anger or sadness are triggered full force. But a good deal of the time, I am able to move into self-reflection and work to understand what is going on within myself. Not always right away, in the midst of the reaction - but always in reflection, at the very least. This is my practice.

What I am feeling more clearly than ever before is what it means to to not take things personally. My sister was screaming at me, and trying to engage me in a fight that was not based in anything pertinent to the issue at hand, and she entered into petty, vindictive attempts to inflict guilt and punishment, and to try to control me. I defaulted to a clear understanding that her response is not about me, fundamentally. And I am not taking it personally. My mother's friend entered into the same conversation, to a lesser degree, with attempts to make me feel guilty - and I was clear that I didn't need to take it personally. Finally, my mother sent a message, filled with rage and upset, and I was able to stay with not taking it personally. I have never before seen more clearly that I don't have to get caught up in the drama, that I don't need to make some desperate attempt to smooth it all over. I am only responsible for my own mind and my own reactions. And I am choosing not to take this personally.

I have spent too much of my life taking things very, very personally. I have felt like I must satisfy other people's needs, to give them what they want from me, to keep the peace. But I see that I've been doing that at my own expense. I have not felt like I could express my truth in the moment. I didn't feel like I could say "no." I didn't feel like I could say when someone was making me angry or uncomfortable or when someone was being inappropriate. I learned to stuff it, to swallow it, to just smile and bear it, to deal with it in my own private hell later. That is really, really harmful. I have been living this way for years and years, since I was a kid. It sure is convenient for everyone else, that's for sure. But it's not REAL. It's me pretending to be fine with whatever even when it's not the truth. It's me pretending to be something I'm not. I yearn for acceptance and authenticity, and I am deeply longing to live from my heart, my truth. I am seeing more and more clearly how I have been blocking these very things from being possible, too. I was socialized to be that way - I was taught to live that way by others who were taught the same thing, and who don't even know what I'm talking about. And that has made me really angry. People who don't know who they are have been teaching others to not know who they are, and on and on and on it goes. Until it doesn't anymore. I am not going to play that game anymore. I want to really know who I am, how I feel, what I want, and want to stay connected to that truth in every moment of my life. This is revolution. This is unlearning. This is the way home.