Suffering

I'm sitting here in my bed, right next to Friday, who has claimed one flannel-covered pillow for his own. He's purring and not purring, off and on, and looking up toward the ceiling. Something is in the attic, skittering around. Sounds like a squirrel, too big for a mouse. Right around the time that Familiar kitty was passing, I heard squirrels in the attic - or on the roof, not sure which - all the time. I haven't heard any for a few weeks, though, not until the last couple days. Friday looks so puzzled, his eyes following the skittering beyond the ceiling. I wonder how they get in there!

In the midst of the darkest week I've had in a long time, I did manage to get to yoga class...not one, not two, but three. In spite of the anger and frustration and sadness that have been the most prevalent emotions this week, there is some little voice within me that says, "hey, this used to really be good - do it now!" I'm going to trust that, and also have no expectations.

Yesterday, one of my dismal posts on Facebook asked what people thought life was about. One man replied that life is about learning through suffering. His words hit home right away. I seem to recall that his kitty passed the day before Familiar kitty - so he is surely going through some of the same feelings I have. Learning through suffering. I've sure been feeling the suffering part, but I have wondered all day what it is that I'm learning here...or resisting learning...

One thing that I am clearly resisting learning is that fingers are for loving kitties...not typing! Friday has relocated to my right knee, pushing my keyboard off to the left, and keeps insisting his head under my typing fingers, clearly showing me what really matters. Bless this being. Bless him. He is the best teacher I've got right now, that's for sure. He's given me a reprieve for the moment, and has moved on to licking my hand as I write here.

Suffering. Everything and everyone that I love will leave, die, fall apart. That is the very truth of living, and the very truth of suffering. The more I love, the more pain I will feel when the loving is interrupted. So, there's a part of me (and I doubt I'm alone here) that says "fuck it! What's the point anyway?!" Why love if it's going to hurt so much later. But the truth is that I feel things really big, really deeply. And I've done enough intense, deep spiritual work that there's no turning back now. There's no shutting the door to my heart. It just doesn't make sense, it's no longer an option. And in the reality of that, suffering seems to be the only option. And I think the reason I've been feeling so angry this week is that that really sucks! So, the more I open my heart, the more pain I'm going to feel. Great. Check please...

Today as I was driving in the pouring rain in Baltimore - feeling supremely bitter and pissed off - I thought of two things. First, if life is nothing more than waking up, eating, pooping, and sleeping again, with maybe a bit of working for money thrown in, then FUCK IT! I'm not playing anymore. I will lay in bed all day and piss myself and shit my pants and starve first. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But what's behind that madness and anger is outrage - that I demand that life be more than this, that I absolutely insist that my life have meaning. And that's probably a blessing - the energy of anger pushing through the murk of sorrow. Second, the thought came to me that in spite of the devastation of experiencing death steal away the life of my little buddy while he was in my arms, I have not died. And there is part of me that feels guilty for that, that while my little kitty is gone from this world forever I am here, and am supposed to continue living. But besides that guilty part that feels like I shouldn't go on living, that I should lay in my bed and shit my pants until I die too, there is another part that says, "hey, I'm still here..." and wants to LIVE out loud, fully, richly, just like I always have. One voice says, "shit, get over this, you're wasting your own sweet, precious life!" And another says, "this pain is so deep, you will never survive it."

And beyond those voices and those feelings, there is the sunrise and the sunset, and rain and wind and clouds and starlight, and sunshine. And there is a Magnolia tree watching over the decaying body of a being that was once my dear friend. And that dear friend is probably still lingering somewhere nearby, waiting to show me what I'm supposed to learn next from this whole ordeal.

He came to me in my dreams three nights in a row this week. Once, I was in a high school classroom, with other people who I went to high school with - and there he was, trying to squirm out of my arms, trying to get out into the hallway and explore. Another dream, I was obsessing about his losing weight and being super skinny. I can't recall the other one, exactly. But what was so lovely was touching him - the sensation of having his body in contact with me - that has been what I have longed for and missed so desperately. In spite of all the esoteric teachings - and my own experience - that say that the body is only a shell for the Spirit, it is my full experience in this reality that I relate to other beings by touch, by speaking, by sight and sound - through the physical senses. That is so hard to let go of.

So, what am I learning here through this suffering? A question to continue pondering...

Dream of Betrayal

Cloudy morning. Still. A few birds are singing, but not full-on singing of bright spring days, this is a singing of economy. Past the birds, I hear sounds of traffic in the distance...which I don't normally hear from home. Now, a second kind of bird is joining the conversation, and the singing is more lively, if not ecstatic. A third enters, and the symphony of morning is beginning to blossom. As I sit here writing, a loud purr penetrates, and my sweet kitty companion has begun to lick my hand while I type. He is such a being of love, and his affection and sweetness have been a balm to my heart in these last couple of weeks. I truly don't know what I would do without him right now.

Last night, I was awakened sharply by a dream. What I remember is somewhat disjointed, but a few images are clear, and the feelings are penetrating even now. I dreamed that I had observed behavior between these two people that concerned me greatly. These two people were a part of our larger community, and seeing this, I wanted to help. I can't remember now exactly what it was that the man was doing to the woman, but it seemed to be causing her harm. Not feeling safe to confront them alone, I went to some of the others in the group to talk about what I had seen. Instead of receiving the concern and support that I had imagined would come from sharing this, and instead of enlisting help to confront the two people, my words were received in silence. This didn't concern me right away, but I began to feel the silence as a space between me and my concern, and something else that was going on around me. I made the decision not to take it personally, but I began to feel an impending sense of danger. Soon, those I had spoken to about this issue had shared my observation with the rest of the community, and they began to come after me, with no explanation. It became clear that I had seen something that I was not supposed to see, and everyone else knew about it, and now they must destroy me. I fled the building, and went outside. On one side of the building was a river that I could not easily cross, on the other side was a road, and the two people I had observed. The rest of the community began to come at me, almost like zombies, and they came from all sides of the building, even the roof. Just before I awoke, I began screaming and trying to find a route for escape, but felt none was possible.

This dream was intense. I felt deep betrayal by the community in which I was living. I felt like they had been hiding something from me, and maybe the same thing had happened to the other woman who had been harmed by the man - the very thing I had observed. When I probe deeper into the dream, I have a lot of questions. I'm having a hard time diving into the depth of them right now, but the feeling of betrayal, followed by the feeling of deep fear linger in me still.

I have felt plenty of fear in my life recently. Fear about living and dying, about the truth that eventually my body will fail. Fear about going through this intense process of love and loss over and over again in my life. Fear of not knowing when either of these things will grace my life. Is the fear in the dream the same as these? Probably...it sure was a fear related to living and dying. But the betrayal...was that related to this? Maybe the betrayal I felt wasn't from the community in a literal sense, but feeling betrayed by the continuity of livingness all around me that will one day cease. Living flows onward, it is only the forms that life takes that cease. And yet, the forms of livingness sure do seem to be the essence of life to me most days. I have read enough esoteric spiritual texts to have an intellectual understanding of this, but to learn it in my heart, and in my body...I'm not there yet.

I am struck by the feeling of wanting to escape, and having no place to escape into that would be impervious to their chase. Behind me in the dream was a forest. To my left, a river, and a forest on the other side. These were my only possibilities of hiding, but it seemed hopeless to even try, because their numbers were great, and my own survival and hiding skills were not strong. This feeling that I am coming in touch with is familiar to me, for sure. The feeling of being backed into a corner, and having no way out. In this moment, I don't feel the need to analyze it any further, just to hold it and sit with it. Perhaps during this day, these things will be clearer, and will bring me some understanding.