Heart Song

Today is a beautiful day! I feel so blessed to wake up to the sound of birdsong in the tall trees that surround my house, and to feel the cool morning air on my face, while buried deeply beneath the soft down comforter. The sky is cloudless and blue, and the sun is already bright. Trees are in full bloom, and starting to grow their leaves. Daffodils and hyacinths are fading, but their fragrance lingers, and each day I am filled with delight as I walk past them. Each year, they are the first bright beacons of spring, singing their song of joy and renewal with no reserve. They inspire me. Here are beings that don't question their fullness, and offer their blooming without hesitation, in full surrender to the light of day. I can learn so much from them!

How would life show up if I followed their lead? If I was able to leave behind all the things that hold me back, all the pain and suffering and ideas and imprints from the past? If I dropped fear and moved boldly into love at all costs? What would I be doing right now? How would I be living right now?

The first thing that comes to me is that I would SING! I would sing all the time, no matter who was listening. I would sing fearlessly, and I would make it up on the spot, or I would write my own songs. I would give it no matter who was there to receive it. I would drop the mind that speaks as a professionally trained musician, the need for excellence, the voice that says I can't do it well enough to matter. I would write good songs and bad songs and silly songs, and I would sing them to the trees and the sky, and to whoever among my fellow humans would care to listen. I would let go of the need to be perfect, and sing along with whoever is singing. I would offer my own song to the world just because it is there, within me. Not to perform, not to get attention, not to be famous. But just to sing, to offer the song within my heart because it's there to offer.

The second thing that comes to me is LOVE. I have spent so much time in my life immersed in an internal world of love, and I have kept it mostly internal. I have held back in fear. In spite of that, my life has blossomed into its own expression of love, but there is so much that has gone unexpressed, so much ecstatic feeling that has been set aside. I have found safe ways of loving and being loved, allowing others to get close, but not too close. I have both yearned for Oneness, and feared being dissolved within it. I have danced around it, but pulled away. What have I feared? Being destroyed, being hurt, being abandoned. And true, all of these things have happened. But here I am, still overflowing with love, still seeking to live my life as the highest possible form of Love's expression. What would it feel like to know, deep in my bones, that I have never truly been abandoned, not even for one second? What would change within me to know that the pain of being hurt is what pierces my heart, allowing even more love to flow through me? And can I let go of the fear of being destroyed and dissolved, knowing that in my deepest essence, I am utterly indestructible? If I let go of these things that hold me back, how would my life be different? I would be able to drop the smallness within me and let go of the fear. I would express my love without reserve every single day, all the time. Every word, every touch, everything would be Love, dancing with itself in every form.

I have lived with many lies. They have brought me so much fear, and have held me back from living the fullness of Love that is possible. These lies have led me to believe that I am never going to be good enough, that I am worthless and broken. And they are powerless, once I see them as mere illusions that have clouded my dream here in this life. I don't buy it anymore. I hear the lies within myself like old, scratchy records. I feel the ways they have grown deep roots in my body and mind. This time has been a walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and I have feared every single possible evil. Each shadow has made me jumpy, and I have withdrawn, covering my eyes in fear. I am finished allowing them to own me. I will not go on living this way. I have seen too much Light and Truth to be bound by this old stuff. I used to think that I would never be able to do enough, or be enough, in this world before I die, and that my life would feel like a waste. Now, I have wandered around in that swamp for a long time, and I have explored it thoroughly. What I actually fear is that I will never live with utter abandon, I will never trust the fullness of who I am, and that I will live my days trapped by these lies, never fully living my life as an ecstatic expression of LOVE.

True Roots

For the last couple days, I have felt strange fluctuations within myself, moving between a coarseness, and playfulness. I have felt inclined to step boldly beyond boundaries I usually hold in place, and have wanted to push others just a little. I feel it in myself as I sit here right now. The coarseness wants to move away from the vulnerability I have felt so much lately as I open deeper and deeper into the wounded places of my being. It wants to say "oh, fuck! Come on! Get over it already!" It speaks in a very familiar voice, one that has pushed me in this way for years and years. Then, the lighthearted voice chimes in. "Lighten up already! Come on, you know you want to play! Don't take yourself so seriously!" The caustic voice is certainly strong and controlling. I trust the playful one more, for it is a voice of joy. But I see that both of them are dancing with each other while beneath them, another voice is still yearning. One that longs to be safe and accepted and loved. "You're being weak and needy," claims the caustic one. "Just relax and play" says the light one. "Just give me some space" pleads this vulnerable, healing one. "I am strong and light! But I will be more authentically stronger and lighter and more full of joy if I really hold these tender places within."

I wonder quite often how healing actually occurs. How do I know some deep wound has been really truly healed? I've been told that I will know that when it doesn't hurt anymore, when it cannot be triggered. I understand that, really. But I know that time and time again I have thought some things were healed, and then, out of nowhere, WHAM! I realize that there is more to release, more to bring out into the light. I would love it if there was more clarity in this process! But I also understand that the heart is a mystery, the psyche is a mystery; none of this realm is linear or logical. There is nothing to hold on to. I must merely find center within myself and then swim in the flow, wherever it takes me.

I feel some anger rumbling beneath the surface. I feel it in the way that my face doesn't want to let go of its seriousness. I feel it in the tension that is lightly draped throughout my body. I wonder what it is pointing me toward. I wonder what I am overlooking right now. As I sit here, touching into it, there is something about playing it safe that is arising. That's interesting...

The little girl who grew up in an emotionally volatile home yearns for safety and stability. She wants to know, deep down, that everything is okay. She has felt the burden of her sensitivity, flowing without control or choice along the waves of other people's feeling, as well as her own, simultaneously. She remembers the desire to balance things, to ease conflict, to try to find peace at all costs. She gave as much of herself into that as possible. She remembers being given plenty of things, and she remembers the way that shifted into not being given the things she wanted. I'll give you everything, followed by I can't give you much. But now, she sees that these material things were the only level at which this exchange could occur. On the emotional level, she was left adrift. A basketcase mother and a shut down father, one shrieking, the other stoic. She found it much easier to live in an interior world, in retreat. She didn't find solace in friendships, either, as she felt tethered, not allowed space and freedom to really engage in intimate friendships. Feeling no boundaries between herself and her mother, bombarded by her mother's emotional drama, betrayed by her breach of trust, and feeling no personal space in the physical world, she retreated deeper and deeper into her interior world.

These coping mechanisms of a child have become deeply entrenched patterns in my life. Somehow, in spite of the deeply intimate friendships that I have, and the love and acceptance that shower me, I find that on some level, automatically, I am still engaging in those very same behaviors. I have spent much of my life in deep exploration of my interior world. That has made me a soulful woman, an artist, a spiritual seeker, a poet. I have become much more at home in that interior world than in the world around me. I have created personal space that is more than I could have dreamed possible. My home is my sanctuary, beautiful and creative, totally safe. I have drawn to me beautiful people who have offered me acceptance and stability and love. These people have become my Soul Family, a safe harbor for all that I am, all that I experience. I have felt deep respect and trust with these relationships, and have felt the value of appropriate boundaries in feeding that trust and respect. In spite of the deep emotional damage my childhood dealt to my psyche, Life has freely, generously, and powerfully given me all that I need in order to heal.

I have heard myself cling to "yes, but" thinking. Yes, the Universe has given me all that I need in order to heal, but these wounds are so deep. Will it ever be enough? I see the ways that I have not been able to trust all that I have been given here. As a little girl, I had no choice but to trust what I was given, to accept it. Seeing how much pain that has caused, and how much damage was done, part of me has been guarded ever since. How can I trust again? This may happen again! I must always be on my guard, waiting and watching... And I have done that. I have questioned everything, I have questioned everyone, I have kept my distance. And I have felt isolated, alone. I have felt like an alien, like a refugee. Like I will never, ever feel any true sense of belonging in this world, in this life. No wonder I have been so deeply devoted to a spiritual path! If this world has caused me so much suffering, perhaps if I retreat into others, I will finally find safety, belonging, love. And yet, here I am. In this world. Right here, right now.

The old ways of living are clearly not serving me anymore. I am grateful for so much insight into the things in life that have created this way of being. I have often felt the burden of it, and have wanted to slip away from the weightiness, from the suffering of it all. But I see how that is not possible. The only way out is through the fire! In a sense, I am creating a map of my life, a map of cause and effect within myself, and in this process, uncovering "X marks the spot" where the deepest pain is buried. Now, I must excavate each pain, and hold each one lovingly, with full awareness and acceptance. These are the treasures that will season my heart, and offer me true roots into compassion.

Changing

I stood with my therapist, in tears. Across from me, an empty chair. She had asked me to speak to the chair as if my mother was there, listening. I was struck by the idea that talking to this empty space in this chair wasn’t any different than trying to talk to my mother when she is present, and that ushered forth a wave of sorrow, followed by a wave of understanding. My mother has bipolar disorder, and has likely had it for my entire life. My seemingly “normal” childhood was actually a time of tremendous instability and little acceptance and affection. And now, after spending weeks delving into the depths of this primary relationship, and the ways it has created particular responses within me, I am starting to see the big picture a little more clearly. The voices inside my mother’s head never stop, they pull her in a thousand directions. She has no filter, no boundaries. Whatever comes through her mind comes out her mouth. Up down up down. Joy, hatred, anger, judgment. Round and round. It is this way now, and it was this way then. While my basic needs were provided for, and I was rarely physically abused, I am coming to see that there never was a time of true emotional safety. There was never any true intimacy. There was never a sense given to me that I was accepted and loved just as I was, and that nothing I could do would ever change that. There were no boundaries, no privacy, no personal space - my mother would say anything to anyone, even things shared in confidence. There was emotional chaos pretty much all the time. I have always been a sensitive being, and there were times when I would get sick from all the chaos. I would be rushed to the doctor because I couldn’t stop throwing up, and the diagnosis was always the same - nerves.

I learned coping mechanisms. Two have been particularly strong in my life. First, escape. If there is noplace that is sacred or safe, then I need to go somewhere else, to flee, to leave the room, to leave the country, or to leave my body, just keep moving. The second is striving, trying, accomplishment. I see the little girl perspective so strongly in this - maybe if I do well enough, get enough awards and attention from others, become the most incredible musician, accomplish the most incredible things, just maybe then I will be loved and accepted. Just maybe then I will deserve to be loved and accepted. Maybe. This second one is very much alive in my life right now, and is the thing that I have written about previously. I am now beginning to see where these deeply entrenched feelings of being worthless have come from. If I was given my life by my mother, and then, somehow I wasn’t acceptable enough, not worth listening to or loving, not good enough, I would need to do something really big to earn this life. Maybe I could convince her otherwise. I have been trying, unconsciously, ever since.


I have a deep need for stability and safety in my life. I hate feeling hurried, and get caught up in emotional turmoil when it seems like people don’t have enough time for me. I really hold off on revealing the truth of who I am until I feel an undeniable sense of trust and acceptance from others. Life in general tends not to offer these things, and I have tended to retreat and withdraw as a result. I have lived in a cocoon, throwing myself into one endeavor after the next, working to become the most perfect, most lovable, most incredible person I am capable of becoming. I have achieved worldly success. I have drawn close to me an array of wonderful people, spanning six continents, who have reflected back to me all that is good and whole and worthy within me. And I have still continued to search, since I have yet to find solace in the company of my mother. It has come in glimmers, just occasionally, but never for long. And I am starting to see that I may never get that. She is mentally ill. She may not be capable of giving me the very things that the little girl inside of me has been desperately searching for.

Now, healing comes. Every day, more insight fills me. I have made the space in my daily life to really go into this process. My life has offered me this intense time of breaking down so that I can release all that does not serve. I have support in my life, I have friends who love me no matter what, who will listen to anything, who accept me exactly as I am any day of the week. Now, I must learn to see these old patterns when they emerge, and see them for what they are. Slowly, lovingly, I can let them go.