Gazing Beyond

We stood in two lines, facing each other, men and women. We stood silently, like a grove of tall trees, immersed in stillness. The connection was palpable, deep. There was music playing in the background, something timeless and meditative. For a minute, perhaps, we gazed into each other's eyes - focusing on the left eye since it's hard to focus on both - and offered presence and connection to each other.

What a curious, beautiful thing! To gaze deeply into the eyes of another being, one whom I have never before met, and to meet his or her essence. I found myself able to stay in Witness perspective quite easily, in spite of the variety of perceptions coming to me. First, there was my own mind, curious about what this other person might be noticing or thinking about me. Second, my own sense of response to what I felt in the other person - an embodied perception, different from thought. Third, and most magnificent, my perception of the other person, their presence, and their fluctuations within the moment of our gaze. What an incredibly intimate, touching experience to share.

The deepest truth that came to me was that of Beauty. Each of these beings were amazing! Totally beautiful. For me, it was impossible to enter the realm of judgment and evaluation when gazing into the depths of another person. Beyond his or her fluctuating presence, there was a mystery inside of each one, a mystery that offered its living presence without any hesitation. Just like the trees and flowers bursting into the most radiant, ecstatic expressions of their natures, each of these human beings - in spite of the details of their lives - were doing the very same thing! Living themselves alive in the moment. No matter what we are each doing with our lives, or healing through, or caught within, we are still living ourselves alive in the moment.

Beyond that radiant living light essence of each person, I did connect with a felt sense of the person's energy. Some impressions came with images. One woman felt like an Egyptian queen, but her abundant beauty felt dry like the desert, eroded somehow. Another woman felt like the ocean - her emotional depth was tremendous, and she felt nurturing and full of love, yet beneath that, sorrow. One woman's eyes seemed to struggle to stay with mine, and her blinking was rapid and fluttery. As I felt into that, I could feel fear and resistance, as if staying present with me was almost more than she could bear. One man's gaze was so bright and joyful, still and deep, I wanted to laugh and fall into his energy. Another man was full of strength and power, yet I felt like it was impossible to connect beyond that - his essence was that of a warrior. The last man was purely happy, he felt like everything I would want my grandfather to be - slow and patient, accepting and trusting, full of love. It was a gift and a blessing to connect with so many people in such a brief time in this way. And it makes me realize that truly intimate moments like this happen so rarely in my life. Even with those who I know best, and who know me best. Even with those with whom I have shared physical and emotional intimacy. We spend so much time speaking and living within our stories and images and perceptions of each other based on language. This exploration was free of that, pure and immediate and powerful. Now, I imagine what it would be like to share this level of connection with all those beings I know and with whom I walk in this world.

I was grateful that my own self-consciousness faded away rather quickly. I have spent so much energy in my life worrying about how I am seen and perceived, always assuming that if I merely reveal myself as I am in the moment, it will be unacceptable somehow. Not only is that filled with deep self-judgment and so little acceptance, it is filled with self-absorption. All of it wastes so much energy. I see how much energy in my life has gone into this kind of unconscious thinking, and I mourn all those years when authenticity was too scary to even come near. Also, I celebrate that I am no longer willing to stay there. But it is deep; this way of thinking has roots that are pervasive, like weeds. Weeding is a neverending process, it seems...

I can see that the very intimacy I have craved in all my relationships has been blocked by my own self-consciousness. My own fear of not being worthy of the relationships that I have been given. I have spent a long time trying to be good enough in every possible way. I have been so concerned about the opinions others have held. I have felt isolated and alone, and have tried to convince myself that that is better, stronger, easier, more evolved. And I have been a fool. I have created an image and surrounded my real self with it - and I have felt imprisoned by it. This image has kept me feeling alone and isolated, and has never, ever served me in any deep, meaningful, loving way. How many times have I actually been told that I am not good enough? How many times have I been rejected? So few, so very few. My fear has kept me imprisoned in this madness. It has all broken down, and broken apart, and here I am, sifting through the rubble day by day. I see that the light that I see in others has been right there within me all this time. All that I see and experience is a reflection of the Divine heart within me, and within all beings. How have I been keeping myself out of that equation for all these years? And what a blessing it is now to really go through all the pieces of my life and pull up these weeds, these lies that have grown deep in my psyche, deep in my body.

I am not alone. I have never been alone. I have never been abandoned. I have never been worthless. I have never been ugly - inside or out - and I have never been damaged. I have never needed to validate my worth through actions or knowledge. I have never needed to prove anything to anyone. I have never needed to earn my existence here on this spinning, living world - not any more than the trees or flowers or rivers or bumblebees or clouds or deer or squirrels. How have I held myself to another standard than the rest of the living world? In truth, I - and all beings - are so interconnected that there is no possibility of isolation outside of our imaginations. I am held lovingly in the arms of this sweet existence, and every need that I have ever had has been freely provided for. I have air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, a place to sleep, and an endless landscape in which to explore. I have a mind that can contemplate the mysteries of the universe, as well as ponder my place in the whole. I have a heart that can radiate open as Love, wide as the universe, deep as the ocean. I have this body that allows me to feel and move and come into direct, intimate contact with the rest of this world. I have a creative spirit that allows me the freedom to express myself in language and song and dance and art. I don't know where the thoughts come from that fill my mind, and I don't know who the One is that notices those thoughts, and knows that It is beyond them. I don't know where the Love comes from, either, but I do know that it fills me, it flows me, it radiates me alive, and guides every single facet of my life. Who am I to think that I don't deserve to be here? Who am I to think that I am not worthy of this life? I am here. End of story. I can spend my days digging around in the silt at the bottom of my consciousness and be stuck there forever. Or I can walk strongly and lovingly upon this Earth, and live LOVE in everything I do, everything I think, everything I am. That sounds like a lot more fun.

Heart Song

Today is a beautiful day! I feel so blessed to wake up to the sound of birdsong in the tall trees that surround my house, and to feel the cool morning air on my face, while buried deeply beneath the soft down comforter. The sky is cloudless and blue, and the sun is already bright. Trees are in full bloom, and starting to grow their leaves. Daffodils and hyacinths are fading, but their fragrance lingers, and each day I am filled with delight as I walk past them. Each year, they are the first bright beacons of spring, singing their song of joy and renewal with no reserve. They inspire me. Here are beings that don't question their fullness, and offer their blooming without hesitation, in full surrender to the light of day. I can learn so much from them!

How would life show up if I followed their lead? If I was able to leave behind all the things that hold me back, all the pain and suffering and ideas and imprints from the past? If I dropped fear and moved boldly into love at all costs? What would I be doing right now? How would I be living right now?

The first thing that comes to me is that I would SING! I would sing all the time, no matter who was listening. I would sing fearlessly, and I would make it up on the spot, or I would write my own songs. I would give it no matter who was there to receive it. I would drop the mind that speaks as a professionally trained musician, the need for excellence, the voice that says I can't do it well enough to matter. I would write good songs and bad songs and silly songs, and I would sing them to the trees and the sky, and to whoever among my fellow humans would care to listen. I would let go of the need to be perfect, and sing along with whoever is singing. I would offer my own song to the world just because it is there, within me. Not to perform, not to get attention, not to be famous. But just to sing, to offer the song within my heart because it's there to offer.

The second thing that comes to me is LOVE. I have spent so much time in my life immersed in an internal world of love, and I have kept it mostly internal. I have held back in fear. In spite of that, my life has blossomed into its own expression of love, but there is so much that has gone unexpressed, so much ecstatic feeling that has been set aside. I have found safe ways of loving and being loved, allowing others to get close, but not too close. I have both yearned for Oneness, and feared being dissolved within it. I have danced around it, but pulled away. What have I feared? Being destroyed, being hurt, being abandoned. And true, all of these things have happened. But here I am, still overflowing with love, still seeking to live my life as the highest possible form of Love's expression. What would it feel like to know, deep in my bones, that I have never truly been abandoned, not even for one second? What would change within me to know that the pain of being hurt is what pierces my heart, allowing even more love to flow through me? And can I let go of the fear of being destroyed and dissolved, knowing that in my deepest essence, I am utterly indestructible? If I let go of these things that hold me back, how would my life be different? I would be able to drop the smallness within me and let go of the fear. I would express my love without reserve every single day, all the time. Every word, every touch, everything would be Love, dancing with itself in every form.

I have lived with many lies. They have brought me so much fear, and have held me back from living the fullness of Love that is possible. These lies have led me to believe that I am never going to be good enough, that I am worthless and broken. And they are powerless, once I see them as mere illusions that have clouded my dream here in this life. I don't buy it anymore. I hear the lies within myself like old, scratchy records. I feel the ways they have grown deep roots in my body and mind. This time has been a walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and I have feared every single possible evil. Each shadow has made me jumpy, and I have withdrawn, covering my eyes in fear. I am finished allowing them to own me. I will not go on living this way. I have seen too much Light and Truth to be bound by this old stuff. I used to think that I would never be able to do enough, or be enough, in this world before I die, and that my life would feel like a waste. Now, I have wandered around in that swamp for a long time, and I have explored it thoroughly. What I actually fear is that I will never live with utter abandon, I will never trust the fullness of who I am, and that I will live my days trapped by these lies, never fully living my life as an ecstatic expression of LOVE.

True Roots

For the last couple days, I have felt strange fluctuations within myself, moving between a coarseness, and playfulness. I have felt inclined to step boldly beyond boundaries I usually hold in place, and have wanted to push others just a little. I feel it in myself as I sit here right now. The coarseness wants to move away from the vulnerability I have felt so much lately as I open deeper and deeper into the wounded places of my being. It wants to say "oh, fuck! Come on! Get over it already!" It speaks in a very familiar voice, one that has pushed me in this way for years and years. Then, the lighthearted voice chimes in. "Lighten up already! Come on, you know you want to play! Don't take yourself so seriously!" The caustic voice is certainly strong and controlling. I trust the playful one more, for it is a voice of joy. But I see that both of them are dancing with each other while beneath them, another voice is still yearning. One that longs to be safe and accepted and loved. "You're being weak and needy," claims the caustic one. "Just relax and play" says the light one. "Just give me some space" pleads this vulnerable, healing one. "I am strong and light! But I will be more authentically stronger and lighter and more full of joy if I really hold these tender places within."

I wonder quite often how healing actually occurs. How do I know some deep wound has been really truly healed? I've been told that I will know that when it doesn't hurt anymore, when it cannot be triggered. I understand that, really. But I know that time and time again I have thought some things were healed, and then, out of nowhere, WHAM! I realize that there is more to release, more to bring out into the light. I would love it if there was more clarity in this process! But I also understand that the heart is a mystery, the psyche is a mystery; none of this realm is linear or logical. There is nothing to hold on to. I must merely find center within myself and then swim in the flow, wherever it takes me.

I feel some anger rumbling beneath the surface. I feel it in the way that my face doesn't want to let go of its seriousness. I feel it in the tension that is lightly draped throughout my body. I wonder what it is pointing me toward. I wonder what I am overlooking right now. As I sit here, touching into it, there is something about playing it safe that is arising. That's interesting...

The little girl who grew up in an emotionally volatile home yearns for safety and stability. She wants to know, deep down, that everything is okay. She has felt the burden of her sensitivity, flowing without control or choice along the waves of other people's feeling, as well as her own, simultaneously. She remembers the desire to balance things, to ease conflict, to try to find peace at all costs. She gave as much of herself into that as possible. She remembers being given plenty of things, and she remembers the way that shifted into not being given the things she wanted. I'll give you everything, followed by I can't give you much. But now, she sees that these material things were the only level at which this exchange could occur. On the emotional level, she was left adrift. A basketcase mother and a shut down father, one shrieking, the other stoic. She found it much easier to live in an interior world, in retreat. She didn't find solace in friendships, either, as she felt tethered, not allowed space and freedom to really engage in intimate friendships. Feeling no boundaries between herself and her mother, bombarded by her mother's emotional drama, betrayed by her breach of trust, and feeling no personal space in the physical world, she retreated deeper and deeper into her interior world.

These coping mechanisms of a child have become deeply entrenched patterns in my life. Somehow, in spite of the deeply intimate friendships that I have, and the love and acceptance that shower me, I find that on some level, automatically, I am still engaging in those very same behaviors. I have spent much of my life in deep exploration of my interior world. That has made me a soulful woman, an artist, a spiritual seeker, a poet. I have become much more at home in that interior world than in the world around me. I have created personal space that is more than I could have dreamed possible. My home is my sanctuary, beautiful and creative, totally safe. I have drawn to me beautiful people who have offered me acceptance and stability and love. These people have become my Soul Family, a safe harbor for all that I am, all that I experience. I have felt deep respect and trust with these relationships, and have felt the value of appropriate boundaries in feeding that trust and respect. In spite of the deep emotional damage my childhood dealt to my psyche, Life has freely, generously, and powerfully given me all that I need in order to heal.

I have heard myself cling to "yes, but" thinking. Yes, the Universe has given me all that I need in order to heal, but these wounds are so deep. Will it ever be enough? I see the ways that I have not been able to trust all that I have been given here. As a little girl, I had no choice but to trust what I was given, to accept it. Seeing how much pain that has caused, and how much damage was done, part of me has been guarded ever since. How can I trust again? This may happen again! I must always be on my guard, waiting and watching... And I have done that. I have questioned everything, I have questioned everyone, I have kept my distance. And I have felt isolated, alone. I have felt like an alien, like a refugee. Like I will never, ever feel any true sense of belonging in this world, in this life. No wonder I have been so deeply devoted to a spiritual path! If this world has caused me so much suffering, perhaps if I retreat into others, I will finally find safety, belonging, love. And yet, here I am. In this world. Right here, right now.

The old ways of living are clearly not serving me anymore. I am grateful for so much insight into the things in life that have created this way of being. I have often felt the burden of it, and have wanted to slip away from the weightiness, from the suffering of it all. But I see how that is not possible. The only way out is through the fire! In a sense, I am creating a map of my life, a map of cause and effect within myself, and in this process, uncovering "X marks the spot" where the deepest pain is buried. Now, I must excavate each pain, and hold each one lovingly, with full awareness and acceptance. These are the treasures that will season my heart, and offer me true roots into compassion.